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Old 07-02-2013, 07:28 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
Reputation: 3514

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I've sure had lessons to learn since I've been out in the world on my own...I've had to stop and ask myself how friends (and people in general) may view me...Lately I've been telling people that I "choose" to be soft-spoken and mellow and polite. I don't want to become "hard" or bitter or loud or aggressive, etc...It's all a "conscious choice" on my part. And I'm not in need of "mothering" or "rescuing." ..I "plod-away" each day and make decisions and enjoy being independent...I have a "strong mind" of my own. (Even though I don't "act macho" on my outside.)...When I run into "difficulties" I don't pick-up the phone and tell everyone "my business" or ask for help. I usually handle things by myself...I think people mistake my "gentle nature" for "weakness." (When this isn't true.) I can be a "bull-dog" or "lion" if need be...But all in all I don't want to be "hard" or loud or antagonistic, etc. This is just not my nature.
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Old 07-02-2013, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
Reputation: 3514
For a long time I've had trouble letting my anger come out...Guess I've been "too nice." But today some of my anger and frustration is coming out towards my "well-meaning" friends...Some of my friends are widows now but they still have kids and grandkids "left." And sisters and brothers and other relatives "left."...So they don't really "walk" in my "shoes."...I don't "wish harm" on anyone. And I don't have a jealous nature...I just get tired of everyones' "pat answers" and unsolicited advice. (Concerning my life and my feelings and preferences, etc.)...I kicked some boxes awhile ago and "growled" and even cussed...I take it as a healthy sign that I'm finally "feeling" some anger. (For a change.) Maybe it's a sign that I'm coming "back to life."
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Old 07-02-2013, 11:34 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
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Good girl, CA. Yes, I think your "numbness" is wearing off. Maybe you should "gently" say that to your well meaning friends next time....they really have NO idea what it's like to be you and have lost everyone in your life. Maybe that would make them stop and think next time they start with one of their "pat" answers.
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:57 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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Jude...Sorry you've been feeling so lonely and miss your husband so much...I feel the same way. No one can take his place. And no one understands me the way he did...Great that you handled everything with the sale of the rental house by yourself...It's been hard for me to get super excited about my accomplishments. I feel relieved and happy when things are "off my back." But I guess I've been kind of "lackluster" too.
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Old 07-02-2013, 01:07 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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Tami...Thanks for the support...To be honest I feel "psycho" at times...Like I'm coming apart at the "seams."...Left alone I function okay and just do my "own thing." But when some of my friends call or come into the "picture" and "bug me" or "push me" I'm ready to scream...Thank goodness I have a couple of friends who don't try to push their "norms" on me. (Non-conformist kind of friends!)...Guess the "numbness" is starting to wear-off. Tomorrow would have been my husband's birthday and this is the month of his death. The first anniversary of my son's death is coming-up in Sept.
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Old 07-02-2013, 08:19 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
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So July is not a good month for you I see. I'm sure you have been upset for a week or so now knowing it was coming up. I'm sorry, hon.

I'm kind of glad my "friends" abandoned me when Earl died now reading how they can be. I'm now glad I was left to my own and found we had a new forum here. God and you guys have been all I needed. Praise Him for you.
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Old 07-03-2013, 07:07 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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Tami...Thanks for understanding...I talked to my widowed neighbor for a little bit yesterday. Every now and then his Mom and other relatives or friends "bug him" to do more. (Or get out more, etc.)...He says he needs time alone now to work through his grief and "find himself" again...Friends (or relatives) can send "grieving people" the message that they're "not okay." (That they're stupid or incompetent and not in their "right mind," etc.)...Sorry that your friends abandoned you. But maybe you are better off...I'm ready to "kick" some of my "well-meaning friends" to the "curb" soon. Enough is enough!...I'm glad that we have this special forum for grief too. Thanks to you and everyone for "being here." And for not making me feel "crazy!" Sorry you lost Earl.
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Old 08-05-2013, 05:49 AM
 
Location: Sunset Mountain
1,385 posts, read 2,745,951 times
Reputation: 1369
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
For a long time I've had trouble letting my anger come out...Guess I've been "too nice." But today some of my anger and frustration is coming out towards my "well-meaning" friends...Some of my friends are widows now but they still have kids and grandkids "left." And sisters and brothers and other relatives "left."...So they don't really "walk" in my "shoes."...I don't "wish harm" on anyone. And I don't have a jealous nature...I just get tired of everyones' "pat answers" and unsolicited advice. (Concerning my life and my feelings and preferences, etc.)...I kicked some boxes awhile ago and "growled" and even cussed...I take it as a healthy sign that I'm finally "feeling" some anger. (For a change.) Maybe it's a sign that I'm coming "back to life."
I've watched Sarah go through that in spurts-sometimes she would hold it all in and I would set something down in her path and tell her to kick it.

She would say to you "Imagine kicking your well meaning friend right in the taco! It feels great!" and I would reply "now imagine that well meaning friend kicking you back in the taco! It won't feel great tomorrow!" and Sarah and I would row and row until we fell on the floor laughing and snorting and wiping tears and feeling alive.

Anger, in my opinion, is healthy. Letting it out is healthy-we are still considering buying a punching / kicking bag for the garage for those days we just need to hit $hit.

Sarah doesn't have a jealous nature either, but she sure as h3ll gets tired of everyone's "perfect lives" around her to the point of bitterness.

I play the court jester and her best friend and hold her hand, and say things like "yeah but she's about to step in dog crap, drag it all the way home onto her new berber carpet, and her new porshe will smell like dog crap for months and months and months....." and she hugs me and I continue to collect flaws and made up stories to cheer her up, make her smile, and human again.

CArizona, I'm curious....what would you say to me, if I was one of your worst well-meaning friends, if I came up to you on a visit and said this:

"Arizona, I have never walked in your shoes. I have no idea what you are going through. I wish I could bring your boy and your love back to you and fix it all. But I can't. Tell me love, what do you need, what can I do, I'm all yours."

Tell me, what would you reply to that, to your friend who is the worst, if she/he said that to you?
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Old 08-05-2013, 06:25 AM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,455,105 times
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What annoys me, is the "lip service". People told my SO to call them if he needed anything. Well, he is BLIND, he needed rides to church, assistance with yard work, just a ride to Wal Mart if someone was going...he did not want to call and bother people. No one called him.

Then, those same people JUDGE him for having a GF? Including members of his own family!
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Old 08-05-2013, 07:38 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
Reputation: 3514
Kat...I don't think I'm that hard to "please." And right now I'd love to go out and have fun with friends. But everyone leads busy lives..So I'm mostly on my own...It seems weird to have friends suddenly "pop" out of the "woodworks" every few weeks (or months or so) and hand me advice. They aren't part of my "everyday world" and don't know me all that well anymore...And it's hard to really "catch-up" in brief phone calls after so much time has passed...I work hard not to become bitter. I know it's my "job" to create a new life for myself. And "reinvent" myself...In time I hope to meet some new friends who are a little more "available." And local...I won't throw my longtime friends "away." But I'm going through a lot of changes and need to hook-up with friends who "fit" the "new me." (Over time.)...Sarah is definitely lucky to have you as a friend!
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