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Old 09-02-2013, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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Kat...Thanks for writing. Good luck with your book. It sounds interesting...Most people "care" but they don't have a burning desire to understand all of the various aspects and dimensions of grief the way that you do. (Since you're working on a book.)...Thanks for putting me in the "hopeful" category. I'm "hopeful" that I can find a way to put down some new "roots." (Eventually.) And I'm also "hopeful" and anxious to reunite with my loved ones when it's my time to "go."
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Old 09-02-2013, 08:17 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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Kat...Ever since time "began" women have been complaining that their husbands (or men) don't really listen to them when they need to talk and share their feelings...Some men (and women too) operate as "problem-solvers." And try to jump-in with a "quick fix."...Sometimes it's not about solving a so-called problem "fast."...It's about letting feelings flow-out in a random fashion without trying to take "control."...I don't want to be "blocked" or prematurely "stopped" when I'm letting my feelings "pour-out." I trust that my feelings will lead me to important insights and revelations in the long-run...So I'm not after a "quick-fix." And I'm not afraid to "feel all." But I know that some people don't want to "go deep" when it comes to getting in touch with feelings. (This applies to their own feelings and other peoples' feelings too.) Have you noticed this?...Years ago I used to write about "feelings." And taught classes about getting in touch with our deeper feelings, etc.
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Old 09-04-2013, 07:10 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
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Kat...Little more...Most of the time I'm by myself and make my own decisions. And deal with my "ups" and "downs" by myself...I don't see or talk to friends on an everyday basis in other words...Sometimes it does feel weird when I'm part of society again and mix and mingle with friends. (Or people in general.)...What's normal for other people may or may not feel (or seem) normal to me...I grew-up as an only child and I've always been more of a loner. When my husband and son were alive we sort of lived in our own little world and had our own culture...We were all independent and self-sufficient and didn't play-out "one-up" or "one-down" scenarios...And this is what I'm used to and like best. My (few) close friends know that I always find a way to "rescue myself."
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Old 09-05-2013, 01:09 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,506 posts, read 23,184,639 times
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Not a widow , but having had a traumatic family death, I learned (unfortunately) some people "cant deal" with it or will try and change the subject when you need to talk. This is, imo a form of denial. people wont "go deep" because they are afraid of talking about reality. Death is one of those topics.

This can be very upsetting when one needs a friend to talk about grief with too. Many 'friends' were lacking, and even relatives too. It can be a hard lesson to learn. everyones experience is different. I know it helped when I finally stopped expecting to "get more" insights from others, and deal with it myself. just my experience.
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Old 09-07-2013, 05:31 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamofmonterey View Post
Not a widow , but having had a traumatic family death, I learned (unfortunately) some people "cant deal" with it or will try and change the subject when you need to talk. This is, imo a form of denial. people wont "go deep" because they are afraid of talking about reality. Death is one of those topics.

This can be very upsetting when one needs a friend to talk about grief with too. Many 'friends' were lacking, and even relatives too. It can be a hard lesson to learn. everyones experience is different. I know it helped when I finally stopped expecting to "get more" insights from others, and deal with it myself. just my experience.
Thanks for posting and sharing...Sorry you didn't have more support and compassion when you were going through grief....It was the first anniversary of my son's death a few days ago and I was surprised when one of my friends remembered the date and called me on her own....Of course she lost her son recently too so she knows how it "feels." Everyone else (except for one other friend) said they were "sorry" but changed the topic right away...I was prepared to just "go it alone." I didn't expect much. So I can relate to what you wrote. Thanks again for sharing.
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Old 09-08-2013, 08:20 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
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Nobody remembers these BIG dates of OUR lives, nor should they be expected to. It's a totally personal thing IMO.
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Old 09-08-2013, 11:11 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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[quote=tamiznluv;31321782]Nobody remembers these BIG dates of OUR lives, nor should they be expected to. It's a totally personal thing IMO.[/IQUOTE] I agree...This is why I was so surprised when my longtime friend called and remembered the anniversary date of my son's death all on her own.
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Old 09-09-2013, 10:53 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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I've been helping a sick friend lately. He was in the hospital a few weeks ago and I went to visit him and took care of his dog...I've been driving him to doctor appointments since he came home. And take him to stores...He's been a good friend to me and I don't mind helping him out...But over the past few weeks I've buried 2 cats and I've had a lot of other "stuff" on my plate too...When the first anniversary date of my son's death got close I told my friend I needed to take the day off...But my friend forgot and called to ask me to take him to Wal-Mart to browse and shop for "more stuff." (I declined.)...Even tho I told a few other friends about the date it was treated as no "big deal."...To be honest I almost had a 'break-down" that day but was finally able to pull myself together...Having my one friend call and remember sure helped. She called to focus on me and offer me her shoulder and love and emotional support.
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Old 09-10-2013, 11:07 PM
 
8,440 posts, read 10,717,209 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Nobody remembers these BIG dates of OUR lives, nor should they be expected to. It's a totally personal thing IMO.
If a person remembers dates, a keeper in my book. Otherwise, I totally agree with you Tami.

MSR
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Old 09-12-2013, 08:05 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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My friend lost her son too so she can relate to my situation. (Losing both my sons and my husband.)...Plus we've been friends since we were kids and she knew my entire family...Our kids used to play together. I miss her son too. He was like a nephew to me...We haven't lived close to each other since the early 90's but we have a long history together. (And this sure feels "good.")...It meant the world to me when she remembered the anniversary date of my son's death on her own and decided to call me...She also asked how my cat was doing because she knew he'd been sick. I had to tell her he died...Anyway my friend's call (and concern) helped me feel "human" again. (Versus feeling like a "machine" or "soldier" muddling through each day.)
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