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Old 04-13-2013, 04:57 PM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
2,444 posts, read 2,229,335 times
Reputation: 5848

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I will tell you this....when your spouse dies, you find out who your TRUE friends are. I am the kind of friend that if I had my last dollar, and you had nothing, I would give it without even thinking. When my husband was killed, I only had one friend that constantly called, checked on me, asked me to go out with her (even though I couldn't think straight) My sisters NEVER called or came by (except the one who came the minute after they pulled the plug to get the 1,000.00 we owed her) The only other consistent in my life was my Dad, who loved me (and who died suddenly in 2008) All others would say is, "Jesus is your husband now" which truthfully, infuriated me, because I had just lost my love. On a whole, NO ONE who has never been thru the loss knows what you are going thru.
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Old 04-13-2013, 06:21 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,422 posts, read 18,139,040 times
Reputation: 18773
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jrsygrl51 View Post
I will tell you this....when your spouse dies, you find out who your TRUE friends are. I am the kind of friend that if I had my last dollar, and you had nothing, I would give it without even thinking. When my husband was killed, I only had one friend that constantly called, checked on me, asked me to go out with her (even though I couldn't think straight) My sisters NEVER called or came by (except the one who came the minute after they pulled the plug to get the 1,000.00 we owed her) The only other consistent in my life was my Dad, who loved me (and who died suddenly in 2008) All others would say is, "Jesus is your husband now" which truthfully, infuriated me, because I had just lost my love. On a whole, NO ONE who has never been thru the loss knows what you are going thru.
Most definitely, Jrsy, and I was amazed at how complete strangers would offer me that which I needed. Granted, most all here are widows and widowers and knew what I was going through. I hang my head in shame that I used to be "one of those people" who avoided contact with a bereved person before I knew what it was like. I was scared and clueless, but ever since my first parent (mother) died though, I am right there with my condolonces to people.

When the 2nd lady of my "group" husband died, I immediatly called and offered myself to be her "sounding board" yet she never called me once! She had been the only one to call me a couple of times when Earl had died. I called her a couple of times too but when she never called me back, I just floated away. Same with my daughter. Maybe it's because they both have other people to talk to, IDK. Makes me wonder wth is so wrong or bad about me that these two women don't reach out to me. I think in my daughter's case, I know too much that she either doesn't remember telling me or regrets telling me now and though I may be sympathetic, I can not be objective. Oh well, to each ther oen and I admit I am a needy person with no one but here to talk to and I thank everyone who has helped me along this road to a new life although I didn't want to be here.
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Old 04-13-2013, 11:43 PM
 
Location: Not where you ever lived
11,544 posts, read 25,070,616 times
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My mate was sick for many years during which time I was the only caregiver. My "social" network was hospitals, labs, nurses, doctors, and home medical equipment providers. four things happened within three days. Mate died at home. Noisy medical equipment was removed, income was reduced when SS changed to one income, and the network vanished overnight. I was suddenly thrust into a noiseless world.

Death does not come with a survival manual.
...Friends dwindle. Most are uncomfortable with death and the dying process. Most have a healthy family. It is especially hard if the surviving partner is emotional and the partner has a catastrophic illness. Mom cried for 15 years after dad died.
...Friends do not want to know about your child's death; it is too close to home if they have living children. .
...Every one heals and grieves differently. There is no time table and no time limit.
...The boss that tells you to "get over it" has not buried a child, a mate, a parent, or a close friend. Smile, their time is coming sooner than they expect.

If you are the family "pro", tell your friend or family member to have the final arrangements in place and paid for in advance. I didn't. It made the finality a thousand times worse. You are venerable to funeral directors profit driven shaping. There are things you do not need.
1. You do not need 10 copies of the death certificate. Three is adequate.
2. You do not need to place a death notice if you are not ready. "Funeral arrangements are pending." is adequate.
3. You do not need to pay for funeral home services if you are going directly from church to the burial site.
4. You do not need to buy the most expensive casket if you cannot afford it, or do not want it. The casket will go into a concrete vault once you leave the cemetery.

...Cremation is another option if you are not ready to say goodbye. You can have a memorial service for friends and family later. Cremation and inurnment is normally several thousand dollars less expensive.
1- Funeral home would like you to buy a $1000 brass urn. It is an unnecessary expense. It can purchased one online for $30.
2- You do not have to purchase a niche in a mausoleum. A niche is a nothing more than a $2.50 8x4x12 building block they sell for $1200-$5000 dollars. There is the added expense of the names on the brass place placed over the niche. These people would like $700-$2500 to remove 4 screws and place the urn in the niche and then reinstall the brass plate with the four screws.
3- Anyone can scatter ashes at sea, or a river, or a deep lake, or a forest. .

My dad's last wishes as to be scattered at a river outlet where he played as a child. Mother would have no part of it. When she died and we opened the niche the mausoleum director put some of his ashes in a foam cup for me. The river outlet was dry and had been for years. I suspect dad knew that. I put the ashes in a metal can and took it to his friend that he fished with as Elmer owned 40 acres with a fish stocked lake. He took dad's ashes to his lake. At the time it seemed like a logical thing to do.

Do what you want and do not let family members insist you do something you are not ready and willing and able to do. My mate was cremated, and is still at home. We will be scattered together. Needless to say mate's siblings are irate and will probably die that way. They did not visit my mate or care for my mate. Their opinions fall on my deaf ears.
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Old 04-14-2013, 07:11 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514
My best friend's husband passed away yesterday morning. (Sad.).. I was "there" for my friend when she called and talked to a couple of her family members on the phone too...Afterwards I felt "grief-stricken" myself and cried and walked around in a daze for awhile...Later another friend called to tell me her BIL passed away unexpectedly...But I did hear some "good news" yesterday. My other friend's dog had been missing for a few days and my friend was heartbroken...Thank goodness her dog came "home" yesterday and is safe and sound now...I want to be a "good friend" to the people in my life. But there are times when I feel a little "forgotten" and "forsaken" myself...Guess everyone figures I'm a "tower of strength." (And I have what it takes to "go it alone" and handle things by myself.)...I guess I do.
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Old 04-14-2013, 04:35 PM
 
Location: Not where you ever lived
11,544 posts, read 25,070,616 times
Reputation: 6183
I think a long term "friendship" is elastic and dynamic by its very nature. It changes as we move through various life stages,and perhaps physically move farther away due to job or ofamily obgligations.

Death is a harsh taskmaster. One year my best friend's mother died. It was followed by my father and grandmother, and then a half-dozen friends I'd known for years. I breathed a sigh of relief. Fast forward twenty years. I'd buried mother, aunt, two children, spouse, mentor, best friend, mother-inlaw. two brother-in-laws, three sister-in-laws, two dogs and a cat.

I am the last one standing in my family. Some says it is very frightening.
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Old 04-14-2013, 08:09 PM
 
Location: East Coast
2,877 posts, read 4,388,330 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by linicx View Post
1. You do not need 10 copies of the death certificate. Three is adequate.
Your post had a lot of good information, but I must disagree with you on the above point. After my husband passed away, I definitely needed more than three copies of the death certificate.

Quote:
If you are the spouse or executor/executrix of the deceased person, the first order of business is to go to the city clerk's office or your local vital statistics office and get certified copies of the death certificate. Obtain at least 10 copies; 20 copies would be even better.

Here's why: A dizzying number of financial institutions, government agencies, creditors, unions, membership groups and other organizations won't even talk to you about a loved one's financial affairs -- let alone take action, like closing an account -- until you produce a death certificate. So you'll need this valuable document before you start contacting banks, investment companies and other firms.

There's another reason to immediately request multiple death certificates. "Nobody is going to pay you anything without them," says insurance agent Al Canton, owner of A.N. Canton Insurance Services, in Fair Oaks, Calif.

The cost of getting a single certified copy of a death certificate typically ranges from about $5 to $20. But additional certified copies are often provided at a discount if you order them with your initial request. Also, many funeral homes will give you one or two certified copies of the death certificate free of charge.
Death and Finances: Eight Things to Do After a Loved One Passes Away - DailyFinance
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Old 04-14-2013, 08:54 PM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
2,444 posts, read 2,229,335 times
Reputation: 5848
I agree with linicx on the cremation and niche issue. They charged me a huge fee to open the niche. I have since moved away and wanted to take his ashes with me, and they wanted me to a huge fee again...
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Old 04-15-2013, 01:11 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,422 posts, read 18,139,040 times
Reputation: 18773
Quote:
Originally Posted by LibraGirl123 View Post
Your post had a lot of good information, but I must disagree with you on the above point. After my husband passed away, I definitely needed more than three copies of the death certificate.

Death and Finances: Eight Things to Do After a Loved One Passes Away - DailyFinance
I have too, Libra and most places want an ORIGINAL and not just a copy! Those cost money! I finally learned to demand my original copy back.
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Old 04-15-2013, 08:13 PM
 
1,050 posts, read 2,865,811 times
Reputation: 1172
I was talked into 15 copies. Really only needed about 4. It is a very vunerable time and you have to be careful.

I got out today...I took a good friend to lunch for her birthday. Then I got a call from my son telling me the contract on my rental fell through. Oh well tomorrow is another day. Stay strong my friends.
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Old 04-15-2013, 11:29 PM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,737,637 times
Reputation: 7078
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
I have too, Libra and most places want an ORIGINAL and not just a copy! Those cost money! I finally learned to demand my original copy back.
Me, too. I have had over the past three years at least 15 or more "certified" copies of the Death Certificate. Certified has the raised seal, and each one costs over $10 each. I've also had to have over 15 certified copies of Letters Testamentary as well as certified copies of my EIN.
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