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I totally understand where you are coming from Jude. My DH passed away 10 years ago and there are times it feels like only yesterday. I too had never lived on my own, I lived at home, got married and moved away, divorced and did live for a few months on my own but then met my DH and we were together for 20 years.
I worked for a year afterward and then took early retirement. I had friends at work but in real life my DH was my friend. I felt so alone. The one thing that hurt me more than anything was his sister who I felt was like my sister just stopped communicating with me. I would call, LM and nothing. I moved out of state and it became clear it is easy to say 'I love you' but actions speak louder than words.
I am content in my life now. I volunteer at our local animal shelter, have a few friends and my own group of furry friends. I also volunteer at a nursing home. I have dated but no one seriously.
It will get better and just know it isn't that your family and friends don't care they just don't know what to say to you.
Keeper...I'm glad that you are doing so well now. Great that you "found" and "created" a new life for yourself that makes you happy...I don't really know what I want to do "next." Or where I "belong!".. I've been noticing a lot of "changes" in myself. But I don't have a full-blown "new identity" quite yet.. I agree with you that friends don't always know what to say to a wife (or mom) who is still going through grief.
I am feeling a bit down today mainly because I don't have really anything to do. I had to replace a couple of light bulbs and that got me out....Yea.....
I called my older brother who is on the west coast yesterday. He asked me how I was doing and I said ok, not really meaning it. I know he is not a mind reader,but he just went on with what is happening in his life. I have to let you know he was here with me last summer when I was falling apart, and stayed for 5 weeks. But after the phone call I felt a little irriated. He didn't asked what was going on in my life..........maybe I am being self centered, but when I stopped in at my bank this morning the ladies in there "really asked" how I am doing. We chatted a bit, and I walked away feeling that these ladies seemed more concerned about me than some of my friends and family.
It is little things like this that get to me.......just saying.
Sarah would explain it to me like this: "Kat. when you get home from work, who do you tell all about your day to? your husband. A widow has lost that part of her life and somehow, and for many reasons, retelling your day to a friend or family member just doesn't have the same ring to it that it did with your husband."
I would respond like this: "Sarah, we know we can't fix this for you. We can't make it better, and the solutions we offer when your day was absolutely horrible, the solutions to cheer you up, sound ridiculous to our own ears-we wouldn't want to hear that either. So, sure, I tell you all about my day in hopes that you hear the hope in it-hear something I did that might inspire you to try the same, or...hopefully you don't feel as bad when I tell you all about the crap thing that happened on the way to the bank."
These are the unsaid words, the hidden meanings behind well-meaning friend stories we tell-but truth be told, we simply don't know what to do or say to fix any of it for you, so what else is there left?
That's up to the two people having the conversation. for starters, I expect Sarah to call me on my BS and say "KAT shut up for a minute. I don't want to hear about how wonderful your life is right now!"
and I say "Sarah, stop wallowing and come join me in having some life at all!" a few bickers later and we're laughing, crying, and calling each other on our BS.
Stop putting up with the politeness and BS in the world. If Bear's death taught us anything, it's how short life really is and how there is little room for so much BS between the lines. If your brother asks how you are doing, be honest! Let him surprise you!
Ok, time for me to ask finally, wth is Sarah and why does it read to me as if you are having private conversations with Jude, Katlakat?
I am confused with the conversations too. But that is okay. I have been out of the loop for a bit. I hope all of you are doing better. Things are good with me. Father's Day was a downer, but the day before was good, celebrating GD and son's birthdays. I am missing my other GD, she and her mom are out of the country visiting her mom and family. Two months is a long time, but my son and I are going thru the house and organizing. When my home is clutter free, I am able to function better. I cannot believe that is getting close to one year since Bob died. I still talk to him everyday, and ask for his help. I look for signs....I am always finding pennies...many times after I have just thought of him. Don't laugh, but I am going to a psychic fair in a week or so, and have an appointment with someone who deals with the other side. I will let you know what happens.
Kat...I value and appreciate honesty too. I "get" what you were saying...Some of my relationships seem a bit "stifled." (Today.) We do "nicey-nice" or "surface talk." And "side-step" a lot of things...My husband and son and I were "open" with each other. And honest about our thoughts and feelings...Most of the time we got along great and had fun together...But sometimes we had to "hash" things "out" a bit.. Or go "in-depth" to fully understand each other. And this was all normal to us.
Ok, time for me to ask finally, wth is Sarah and why does it read to me as if you are having private conversations with Jude, Katlakat?
To clarify: Sarah is my best friend who is a widow-a young widow. My husband and I moved 2,000 miles across the states to live with her so she wouldn't lose her house after her husband's income dissolved.
I'm not having private conversations with Jude, but rather just going back through the posts I've missed responses on, and replying to them a few pages down-
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