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I will be traveling to see my mom today for what I expect to be the last time. She is in the final stages of cancer and has been in hospice for a few months. Yesterday when I spoke to her, she kept asking me to repeat when my flight was. My little sister called to let me know that they kept pointing it out on the calendar because she said "I need her here so I can go." So it seems pretty clear whatI am in for.
This is very difficult, to say the least. I have seen and talked to her a lot since she was diagnosed in January-- probably more than I have in years as we were not close when I was growing up. She has been declining rapidly and now spends much of the time sleeping, weak or confused. My younger sister has been there for a week on her spring break, my older sister lives nearby and has been there quite often.
I really don't feel the need to be there in person to say goodbye-- I made my goodbyes during our last visit, but if she is asking of course I am coming. I am dreading this-- seeing the state she is in and watching her suffer is one of the worst things I have ever witnessed. My sisters have a different relationship with her, so our mourning processes will be very different I am sure. I had told myself for years that if this day came, I wouldn't be there because my mother was never at any of my important events (graduation, my own battle with cancer, wedding, etc.) but I felt very different when the diagnosis came through. I find that I am very upset that this is happening and feel helpless that I can't do anything to halt its progress. I actually had the thought that if I stayed away a little longer, she might hang on for my sisters a few more days. But I know this is silly.
Does anyone have any advice that might help me get through this? Its a complicated family dynamic and the next few days will likely be awful. Thank you so much.
After reading about your sis and the "fiance" awhile back, confused, what another crisis to be facing. I have no siblings nor was I there for my husband, mother or father's last breath so I have no advice except to just hug your sisters. God Bless, confused.
I find that I am very upset that this is happening and feel helpless that I can't do anything to halt its progress. I actually had the thought that if I stayed away a little longer, she might hang on for my sisters a few more days. But I know this is silly.
Does anyone have any advice that might help me get through this? Its a complicated family dynamic and the next few days will likely be awful. Thank you so much.
Yes, it will be awful. But it won't last forever and you will get through it. These are times of very mixed emotions, whatever your relationship with your mother is. For her sake, you want her to go quickly... for your (and your family's sake) you want her to remain in this world as long as possible. It is the most natural thing in the world to lose a parent -- just about everyone goes through it -- but when it's your parent, it's the worst thing in the world. You may be shocked at her appearance -- it can be tough to take. Try to remember her in better days.
Look for moments of joy to embrace. Don't feel guilty if you find yourself laughing at something -- times of intense emotions need a release. Squabbling and arguments may erupt -- try to let things go.
Thinking of you . . . don't really have any wise advice.
I guess what I am thinking is on the lines of this being a very personal moment between you and your mom. She brought you into this world and now you are going to wish her farewell as she leaves this world.
Your post indicates that you have embraced that your sisters have a different relationship with your mom than you do. Really, that is true for all siblings, I believe. Your parents are shared but still, the way you interact one-on-one with each parent is unique to itself.
So I am thinking the big thing is to take time for yourself to process this as something that is yours, even though the experience may be shared. Bidding goodbye in your way with your parent is a solo journey, so I hope each of your sisters will allow you the space and time to sit with your mother by yourself, even though there may be other times when you are all together.
Dealing with death can bring out a lot of conflicting emotions in a family. I hope this will a time of quiet support for one another as you help your mom move out of this world and into the next.
Please let us know how things go . . . best wishes on this journey!
Hi confused, so sorry you are having to face this difficult time. I can share with you when my mom died.
We were living in WA at the time and took my mom and dad with us in our camper to go to my aunt's in So. Calif. for a family reunion. We stopped at my sister's in Vegas on the way. The first day at my sister's, my mom about passed out, so we took her to the hospital to get checked out, before we went any further.
To make a LONG story short, my mom ended up staying in that hospital for 8 weeks, where she finally died. Autoimmune hemolytic anemia was the final diagnosis. She just deteriorated slowly. We were all there and watched her decline. After about 7 weeks, and we knew there was not much hope, we all accepted the fact that she was dying....all but my dad. She was in an unconscious state by now, and he kept telling her to get better because he didn't want to lose her. They had been married 56 years.
Accepting the fact that she was dying was heartbreaking. Seeing my dad plead with her was heartbreaking. We finally convinced my dad to tell her that it was ok for her to go, he would be ok, we would all be okay. When he finally did that, she slowly let go and then died.
I will never forget her favorite nurse, a big black man named Clyde. He came to love my mother, and all of us. When he knew there was no hope and she was in the process of dying, he gathered us all around her bed and explained to us how the body dies, what we expect to see, and what my mother was most likely feeling (or not feeling). It really helped us to understand the process, and knowing by now that she was not in any pain, it made watching her go a bit easier.
My mother was the heartbeat of our family and it was gut-wrenching to lose her. Our close knit family sort of fell apart and we all went our seperate ways. I guess looking back, I am glad that I was there when she took her final breath.
I know this time is going to be so hard for you, but I hope that the good Lord will put His arms around you and comfort you.
Confused, I have no words of wisdom either. I am sure this will be a most difficult time for you, and our thoughts will be with you as you navigate unfamiliar waters. Of course you are upset - the parent/child dynamic is there inside us, and even when all reason dictates one thing and you've come to grips with it, you find yourself to still be the child in some ways. I think the passing of a parent brings that out in most of us.
You know, your mom has already said she needs for you to be there. While that may not be the best reason and surely puts a lot on you, perhaps she is trying to quiet her own soul before she leaves the earth; perhaps she needs to make amends in some way. It may not be the way you wish, but just maybe there are things she needs to tell you that are holding her here.
This may be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do, but I think you can rest assured that you are doing the last thing you can possibly do, and that helping someone go forward to the next dimension is truly a selfless act. Peace to you in the coming days; may you face what is in front of you with a brave heart.
Looks to me like she is telling you she needs you there so she can finally say goodbye and be on her way. I went through this with my mother who was 86 and had dementia. She was miserable. One day I said "Mama, you've had a good life. You should be proud of your accomplishments and the accomplishments of your children. You've had some special challenges but met them with guts and tenacity. If you are ready to go please know I understand. I think you know it is time." She wasn't even physically ill but she died 2 days later. Some folks hold on until they have permission. Give her permission. Good luck and Best Wishes.
I do not think you will be sorry if you go to your Mother in her final moments. This is chance to say those last things, to find some peace, to make peace with the relationship you had with your Mother, good or bad.
One things I can tell you - with death, usually comes regret, no matter what your relationship was/is and whether not regret is appropriate. It's just there. Take advantage of the chance to say all those things that might bring you both peace.
Your mother has made you a wonderful offering; to be present, to be witness to her final moments. There will be a lot to learn from that and you will take it with you all your life.
Tears are fine; I think my mother might have been offended if no one had shed any tears for her - though I know you want to be strong. Just be human and do the best you can.
I worry that I will want my daughters to come. I am sure neither will want to come.
My advice is to go and get through it as easily as possible. Nothing will be magically solved or absolved at the end. I've read your posts and you seem like a nice person. Think of it as something you would do for anyone in the same circumstances. Someday, you may be glad you did.
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