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I think grief involves having some pity and sadness for ourselves...Don't you?...But I just don't want to get stuck in the perpetual self-pity "trap." (To the point that I make excuses or "special rules" for myself.)...Having spiritual beliefs does help! I feel this way too.
I think grief involves having some pity and sadness for ourselves...Don't you?...But I just don't want to get stuck in the perpetual self-pity "trap." (To the point that I make excuses or "special rules" for myself.)...Having spiritual beliefs does help! I feel this way too.
Like Tami said, I really never thought about pity so much. Probably b/c I keep so busy. Even though I am a moderate in most things I did realize I abused work too much but that was b/c I enjoyed my work so much. Mostly my work involved people and I enjoyed most people. You can't teach 27 years and not enjoy kids. Many people burn out before then. IMO
I don't see a problem with "special rules" for myself. I am a relatively good person, worked many years and now venturing into an unknown way of life, so I am trying to reward myself by doing somE of thE things I never before had time to do. JMO
Just try to enjoy yourself CA, you have earned that right. IMHO
Bluff...Thanks for writing. I think we all deserve some rewards and fun (in life) and new experiences and variety etc...I probably should have clarified what I meant when I brought-up "special rules."... I use this term (with myself) so I won't become a hypocrite...In other words I don't want to judge or criticize other peoples' behavior but turn-around and let myself "off the hook" if I act the same way...Does this make sense?...I guess it could also be called having a "double standard." Anyway this is what I meant when I brought-up "special rules."
I have read this thread three times now (since the thread began) just thinking about how we process grief and how some of us have had to deal with unbelievable, gargantuan losses.
It seems to me that "self-pity" is a label that others assign us when we continue to rely on others to take care of our lives, make our decisions, b/c we are incapable.
I do not think when one is dealing with incomprehensible losses - such as losing an entire family! - that working through the grief -- which has been compounded and leaves us dealing with a loss of identity and social "place" in the world (someone's mother! someone's wife!) -- could ever be labeled "self pity." To me, sorting out all the emotions, the reality of the loss, the longing for what can no longer be, the memories, the helplessness b/c we couldn't do anything to change the situation . . . seems to me that a person dealing with all that is simply working through being forced into a whole new world . . . where everything has changed. I would call it self analysis, time for collecting one's thoughts about what it all meant, what the future means, how to chart one's course. It is more like a time of deep mental and emotional activity as we figure out how to navigate the present and plan for the future.
I think that is wise and meaningful and absolutely necessary b/f we can then start to create a future for ourselves. Maybe we find we prefer being alone. Maybe it is just too raw to discuss our feelings with anyone else. Maybe we simply want to have it all sorted out in our minds as to what happened, the sequence of events, the courageous moments vs. the feelings of utter abandonment, or helplessness when we could do nothing - NOTHING! - to change the course of events.
It is during these times that we can come to an understanding about great truths -- the great truths of our lives. We narrate our own scripts, we decide, we choose, how we will frame all that has happened to us in our lives. We learn to live and go forward; we incorporate and accept and honor our history. We find that we have been broken but we can repair ourselves - we put the pieces back together. Maybe what we become is very different than what we were. Maybe not! We recognize we cannot replicate or reconstruct what has been taken away and is no more.
We may be angry, or confused, or terribly disappointed (or all those things) and that is not self-pity . . . we have every right to feel anger and disappointment about how things didn't turn out as one would expect. We don't expect to lose our children - no one does - that is not how people typically live their lives, outliving their children. We have been given a terrible situation . . . learning to live much differently than we had planned, than we had assumed - based on what is normally the course of anyone's life. We long for it to have unfolded differently, even as we fully realize the finality of what has occurred.
I have read with interest how other people have coped, come to some sort of peace (is that the right word?) with tremendous loss. I remember reading how Anne Rice slipped so deeply into depression and alcohol after her daughter's death . . . she ended up writing a novel that was basically her own personal coping mechanism. I read years ago that she was in such an alcoholic stupor, she typically did not even remember writing whole sections of the novel (wish I could find that interview to reference here).
There is no right or wrong way to pull one's self through the haze that we are left in when we lose those we love and who have been the anchors to at least part of our identity in life.
But I truly feel - even if it takes years - it is not chronic. There is light at the end of that processing tunnel. And I do not feel it is self-pity, even if onlookers (who haven't been through that tunnel!) may label it as such. Whatever we have to do and however long it takes - as long as we are not giving up on ourselves and on life in general - we are making progress. What will be meaningful for one person will not have any sort of meaning to someone else. Some people become activists (look at the parents struggling since the killing of their children at Sandy Hook Elementary school). Some will need to retreat for a while . . . some will need to get busy w/ work or volunteering, just to keep some rhythm in their lives, some routine, some semblance of order.
As long as we are taking care of ourselves and not ignoring the basics of daily life . . . and not asking anyone else to "fix" what no one can possibly "fix" . . . then we should be allowed whatever time and space it takes to deal with the losses.
anifani...Thanks for your excellent and outstanding post! And I agree with all you wrote...To be honest I probably have fears about becoming perpetually angry or negative...Or sinking into a deep and dark depression...My Grandma became bitter and angry and negative in her final years because she had trouble being vulnerable. (Letting herself cry or feel sad or admitting to feeling "hurt" etc.)..It made her feel "safer" to be angry I guess...I've been around a few other people who "got mad" at the whole world when they had losses or faced hardships etc...And I've never wanted to be this way myself...Sometimes I do get angry and I have to deal with abandonment issues. (And the feeling of being rejected and "left out in the cold" etc.)...And sometimes I feel sad and "cry rivers."...But I just don't want to get stuck in anger or debilitating sadness to the point that I lose my "balance" and "central core." (If this makes sense.)...I know I need to "own" and process all of my feelings. (About everything!)...But I don't want to end-up "drowning" in the process or end-up in a deep depression. Or angry and bitter and negative 24/7.
ani, thank you for your post. Best post I've read since I was thrust into this position. Like CA, I agree with everything you said. It was informative and soothing. Those are two very important things we need in our new lives no matter how long or short we have been living it.
anifani...Thanks for your excellent and outstanding post! And I agree with all you wrote...To be honest I probably have fears about becoming perpetually angry or negative...Or sinking into a deep and dark depression...My Grandma became bitter and angry and negative in her final years because she had trouble being vulnerable. (Letting herself cry or feel sad or admitting to feeling "hurt" etc.)..It made her feel "safer" to be angry I guess...I've been around a few other people who "got mad" at the whole world when they had losses or faced hardships etc...And I've never wanted to be this way myself...Sometimes I do get angry and I have to deal with abandonment issues. (And the feeling of being rejected and "left out in the cold" etc.)...And sometimes I feel sad and "cry rivers."...But I just don't want to get stuck in anger or debilitating sadness to the point that I lose my "balance" and "central core." (If this makes sense.)...I know I need to "own" and process all of my feelings. (About everything!)...But I don't want to end-up "drowning" in the process or end-up in a deep depression. Or angry and bitter and negative 24/7.
I have watched (and sat beside, figuratively) many friends and family members dealing with the death of loved ones. One thing I am convinced of . . . the fact that you are asking those questions, monitoring yourself, have clear thoughts about what you DO NOT WANT TO BECOME . . . that tells me you are on track and that you are not going to allow yourself to write your own narrative in a negative way.
And you are in charge of your own narrative! Don't ever forget that . . . you may feel everything around you has spun out of control . . . but how you choose to frame your life experiences . . . no one else can do that. That is all up to you. And obviously, you are not interested in becoming consumed by bitterness and anger. Therefore, you won't! Simple as that. However, allowing yourself to fully and completely experience those authentic and valid emotions of anger and abandonment and isolation and broken dreams . . . that is part of the process towards getting to a healthy place with defining your life's story. THIS IS YOUR STORY. YOU ARE THE PROTAGONIST OF THIS STORY.
We become what we think we are! We become what we decide we are to become. However, there is a lot of processing that must take place before we are ready to move on to that step of self-actualization.
It is honest, authentic and necessary for you to give yourself free rein to explore all that you are feeling. Only you own your story. No one else can define who you are -- much less who you become. This is all yours. There is real POWER in understanding that you are totally, 100% in control of your narrative - what you say to yourself about your life. Feel that power. Claim it!
ani, thank you for your post. Best post I've read since I was thrust into this position. Like CA, I agree with everything you said. It was informative and soothing. Those are two very important things we need in our new lives no matter how long or short we have been living it.
I read here daily. All of you are in my thoughts and my prayers. I am dealing with an ongoing grief situation with my husband's deteriorating health, but we are still together, he is alive. I am dealing with the "death of the dream" and facing that we are in year four of his five year life expectancy. Hopefully, his excellent healthcare treatment has extended his lifespan, but we both see the downward trend, monthly now. I don't want to make this about me and my situation but I relay this to simply say - I am here reading, caring, sending out good thoughts for each of you. I don't know that there is a way to "prepare" for losing one's spouse. I would like to think I am not so self-involved as to be angry and disappointed and bitter to see things falling apart . . . but daily, I am checking those very emotions. I feel so ashamed of myself at times.
I have spent so many hours coming to the place where I can give myself permission for the sadness and the genuine human feeling of anger (I got over the "fair" part two years ago . . . life ain't fair . . . we can do all the right things and what that gets us is the ability to sleep at night knowing we did our best to be good people. It doesn't, however, mean we will be exempt from suffering and loss). There are days I want to shake my fist at the gods and shout "Why? We did the right things, we are good people, we don't deserve this!" And of course, we don't deserve it. NO ONE DOES! But here we are.
If anything I have to share provides a moment's peace or clarity or a bit of a lifeline . . . then I feel my struggle has had some broader meaning . . . At least I hope that I can give voice to what I have come to understand about how we all are responsible for our own story - no matter how debilitating the circumstances. We can allow ourselves to become victimized by circumstances or we can choose to be our own heroine. I struggle daily to be the heroine . . . Hugs to you, Tami.
anifani...Thanks for writing and caring about the rest of us despite your own struggles right now. (And everything that you and your husband are going through and facing at the present time.)...I forgot to add something else to my list...I don't want to become extremely self-absorbed or self-centered either. (Even though I am "all alone" most of the time now.)...After my husband and son died I had to face a lot of old feelings (and fears) that were buried and leftover from my past...It's the feeling of being a misfit and "weirdo" and "different" from other people...I had these feelings off and on as a child and now these feelings are back! And in full-force!..I feel like a person without a country or culture anymore...The people who understood me are gone now... Anyway I'm constantly having to deal with "misfit" type of feelings...Thank goodness I still have somewhat of a sense of humor left. So I try to imagine my life as a TV sit-com when I run into "big differences." And I tell myself that I will turn it all into a story or satire someday. This helps!...But at other times the feelings "get" to me and magnify my loneliness etc...Thanks for listening and caring and sharing about yourself too...I think I would probably "heal faster" and "do better" if I had more meaningful (and in-depth) conversations on a regular basis. (Like the daily discussions I used to have with my husband and son when they were still alive.)...Wishing your husband a longer life than the doctors have predicted. (Without suffering or major impediments.)
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