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anifani...Thanks for writing and caring about the rest of us despite your own struggles right now. (And everything that you and your husband are going through and facing at the present time.)...I forgot to add something else to my list...I don't want to become extremely self-absorbed or self-centered either. (Even though I am "all alone" most of the time now.)...After my husband and son died I had to face a lot of old feelings (and fears) that were buried and leftover from my past...It's the feeling of being a misfit and "weirdo" and "different" from other people...I had these feelings off and on as a child and now these feelings are back! And in full-force!..I feel like a person without a country or culture anymore...The people who understood me are gone now... Anyway I'm constantly having to deal with "misfit" type of feelings...Thank goodness I still have somewhat of a sense of humor left. So I try to imagine my life as a TV sit-com when I run into "big differences." And I tell myself that I will turn it all into a story or satire someday. This helps!...But at other times the feelings "get" to me and magnify my loneliness etc...Thanks for listening and caring and sharing about yourself too...I think I would probably "heal faster" and "do better" if I had more meaningful (and in-depth) conversations on a regular basis. (Like the daily discussions I used to have with my husband and son when they were still alive.)...Wishing your husband a longer life than the doctors have predicted. (Without suffering or major impediments.)
Thank you for the kind and sincere words, CA. I felt like I got a hug and I am needing one today!
It is so good to have the folks on this forum to talk to about things . . . at least some of what we are thinking and feeling can be expressed here, even though that is a shadow of a substitute for talking to your husband or son.
The feelings you have of not fitting in - ah, yes. We all need the validation that comes with knowing there are those in this universe who "really know who we are." When our closest friends and family are gone, there is no one left to validate our history and to stand up and say "I know who you really are! I know what you are all about! I love you and honor all those things you are, even the quirky stuff! And especially the things that the rest of the world might not understand!"
I felt I lost that when my best friend died. Now, I have no one who can validate so much of my history, no one to be there to say "I remember!" or to say "I know who you really are at your core!" Plus, she was the mother I never had (my mother and I are not close - never have been).
To add a husband and sons to that list of losses . . . well, your history as witnessed through someone else's eyes is gone. That is why for many, writing about the memories, putting together scrapbooks, re-tracing steps -- these things become treasured b/c they are the only tangible way of saying "we shared this! we knew each other's heart!"
That's the beauty of longtime relationships . . . we don't have to explain or justify . . .
In a way, you are closing a chapter in your life, and having to figure out how to start an entirely new chapter -- without anyone there to hold your hand! So of course you are going to feel like a person with no country . . . you are truly venturing into unknown territory. There may come a time when that can be seen as an adventure, but you can't push it . . .that's why we need to grieve. We have to come to terms with honoring the past b/f we can venture into uncharted territory with some sense of strength and courage.
I have actually found myself thinking . . . "what if no one will ever love me again?" I am still working on that one. I am trying to do as much by myself and venture into new challenges alone so I will build up my confidence that it is alright if no one loves me again. All this while trying to live in the present and cherish the good times . . . strange journeys we are put on, dear CA!! Strange, indeed . . .
Hmmm, it never occured to me that I may never be loved (romantically) again. I have two g/fs that have been my friend for over 50 years and I know they love me and that's being enough. I love me! Not being concieted (sp?) but just loving myself as a person. Whatever happens, I have only me to depend on. I don't like it but that's reality.
ani, I'm so sorry to hear about your hubby. Thank you for taking the time to talk to us (about us) and let us know about your troubles too. I'm glad to know you read us every day. You talk about you anytime!
I pray your hubby doesn't suffer too terribly. (((HUGS)))
CA, you fit in here so well, does this mean WE are wierd too?? If so, I am happy to be wierd.
Thanks Tami...Everyone has been so warm and caring to me here. Thanks a million!...Guess I've just been going through a "down period" and feeling a bit "lost" lately...My cat never recovered from losing his brother in January and he's been super depressed...At one time my cat was part of a family of 5..He lived with his mom and 2 brothers and sister for years and years. (Ever since he was born on April 26th in 1997.)...Then everyone started dying-off. (Including his human family too.)...He used to be "Mr. Roly-Poly" and happy and carefree...But now reality has set-in and he's really feeling all of the losses and very depressed...I can relate! It's been one too many losses for me too....I still have one of my son's cats left and she's loving and friendly to me but doesn't like my cat. (Even though my cat has always been nice and friendly to her.)...So my cat feels rejected and lonely for his brother and everyone else who died through the years...I think we both start to "wither-away" at times. And we have to work hard to be okay again and find some joy and meaning to life. (Despite all of our losses.)
I have found that time, and moving forward helps. For me, I had no one to pay my bills, and maybe that poverty was a benefit, because I had no opportunity to wallow in a pity party. I had to keep working.
Seeing people in grief, I notice that some people just let their lives on STOP, because they are grieving, and had the financial resources to do that. I had a friend, her husband died, and she was very well off. She is still in grief mode, five years later. For me, five years later, I was not happy, but I had normalized my life, going to work was really therapeutic, it forces one to get up, face the day. Whether you want to or not. Sure, I was sad, I felt my life was over, and in a way, I still feel like my life changed 18 years ago, to a completely different path, that I did not want. But I was not going to be homeless.
Everyone has their own path through grief. Your life changes. I try to focus on things in my life that I can control. One day at a time.
anifani...Thanks for writing back...I'm so sorry you lost your best friend..I "found" and contacted my childhood best friend last weekend. Talking to her (again) really put me on a "high" for awhile...Then I remembered that she's not one to keep in touch very often. Oh well!...I can relate to all you wrote about having "roots" and a long history with family members and friends...It's hard to be alone and even harder to start all over again. But I keep trying!...I hope your husband does well and lives for many more years and proves all the doctors "wrong!"
Thank you for your articulate and meaningful post, spot on. Your words are wisdom. We are all on our own journey that is for sure. I listen to my heart, my soul and I know my way of processing my grief, PTS, suits me. For me, I require alone time to process my grief, and feel all the emotions. I am the Captain of my ship.
I think we all are unique and we are all are doing a splendid job of our lives. There is no right or wrong way to work through our grief, it is only our way.
I am so sorry to hear about your husband's illness and my heart and prayers go out to you both.
Thank you so much for your posts, your words awoken me.
Thank you all for the kind words and well wishes! It means so much to be able to share with others who understand the roller coaster I am on (have been on). And it means even more to know that the things I have been thinking about have some meaning for others. I have come to feel rather isolated over the last 4 years (well actually, things were changing in my life 10 years ago - we just didn't have a diagnosis despite many hours in physician offices!).
I quickly found that it was best I didn't even mention my hubby's illness to others . . . I would either get "oh, things will work out! There is a fix for everything now! My cousin's husband HAD THAT and he is still going strong 20 years later!" or . . . "Well how can it be that BAD if your husband is still working????" Who wants to explain all that stuff . . . I learned to say "We are doing great! Thank you!" . . . end of that discussion, lol.
Plus, husband would be lost without his work and I do mean lost . . . so he doesn't want his health to be scrutinized. Because of these reasons, we put on a happy face in public and do not discuss our situation with anyone -- other than family and even with them, we are very selective about what we say and to whom we say it! Too many people want to make a drama out of even small issues in life and that is the last thing we need. We are working for normalcy - as much as is possible, anyway.
So thank you all for listening and sharing. I feel I am dealing with a type of grief -- hubby and I both are -- but I didn't want to put it on the level of what others are going through with the death of their spouses. That is a wrenching finality and although I am trying to "prepare" -- I am sure there is no way to really do that. I don't think any of us is ever truly prepared no matter how much processing we do.
Thank you all for the kind words and well wishes! It means so much to be able to share with others who understand the roller coaster I am on (have been on). And it means even more to know that the things I have been thinking about have some meaning for others. I have come to feel rather isolated over the last 4 years (well actually, things were changing in my life 10 years ago - we just didn't have a diagnosis despite many hours in physician offices!).
I quickly found that it was best I didn't even mention my hubby's illness to others . . . I would either get "oh, things will work out! There is a fix for everything now! My cousin's husband HAD THAT and he is still going strong 20 years later!" or . . . "Well how can it be that BAD if your husband is still working????" Who wants to explain all that stuff . . . I learned to say "We are doing great! Thank you!" . . . end of that discussion, lol.
Plus, husband would be lost without his work and I do mean lost . . . so he doesn't want his health to be scrutinized. Because of these reasons, we put on a happy face in public and do not discuss our situation with anyone -- other than family and even with them, we are very selective about what we say and to whom we say it! Too many people want to make a drama out of even small issues in life and that is the last thing we need. We are working for normalcy - as much as is possible, anyway.
So thank you all for listening and sharing. I feel I am dealing with a type of grief -- hubby and I both are -- but I didn't want to put it on the level of what others are going through with the death of their spouses. That is a wrenching finality and although I am trying to "prepare" -- I am sure there is no way to really do that. I don't think any of us is ever truly prepared no matter how much processing we do.
Hi anifani, I can so relate to what you are going through. My husband had COPD and severe emphysema and was in a constant downhill decline for 5 years. I was his caregiver, and knowing how debilitating that disease was and seeing him live with it, was heartbreaking. We knew the end was in sight. It was a long five years. We talked a lot about him dying, which was strange, but we felt it necessary.
I too tried to prepare myself for when he did go. So many questions to search for the answers. After 32 years of a wonderful life, how could I ever go on by myself? You are so right, you can do all the processing you want and it still is inadequate. I prayed every night for God not to allow him to suffer anymore. Not live a little longer, for me, just don't let him suffer. He only had 10% lung function for the last 2 years.
While it was truly a blessing that he died in his sleep, at home, I was devastated. All that processing and thinking that I had done......did me no good in the beginning. Your world is turned upside-down and it's all I could do to just get through each day.
This forum is for grief as well as loss, and you certainly have a tremendous burden of living with this grief. I so understand how you feel, and I hope you come here often to share your feelings. I've always felt better "writing" my feelings down and sharing with others, who continue to amaze me with their love and understanding. You are not alone anifani. We are all in this together.
If there is anything I can do, or if you would like my personal phone number to be able to talk, just send me a message. I am here for you.
Oh, ani, if this forum had been available before Earl died, I surely would have been here. I mourned for him (us) for a year before the inevitable happened. No, your mourning now won't help you one bit when the "time comes", I'm sorry to tell you. Does grieving before the passing help?
I don't care if you are a professional or just a lay-person, nothing is going to prepare you. Just know that there is a wonderful place (here) where you CAN vent or express anything you will be feeling. Like I've siad over and over, this forum helped save my life in those horrible first months. I'm sure God put me here on purpose. I'm sure HE had a hand in this forum appearing when it did too. Sounds conceited, I'm sure but that's not how I feel, I just am so grateful to have been shown something that really saved my life.
Someone in another forum accused me of thinking this forum was ALL ABOUT ME and that is why they don't post here anymore. Excuse me???? In the begining it WAS all about me. Our individual grief IS all about us!!! We come here to share our grief with others who are feeling their own grief, do we not? Then, as time passes, we start to reach out to those that need OUR help. N'est pas?
ETA: Geeze, would ya look at that, I did turn it around to ME! Sorry about that.
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If so, I am happy to be wierd.
