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Old 03-21-2017, 11:59 AM
 
3,137 posts, read 1,616,536 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony22 View Post
I think anyone that knows the person should be there.
That puts a huge burden on many people. Some people might have to spend thousands of dollars on airfare to fly to someone's funeral. When my mom passed away, I certainly didn't expect people to fly in from out of town. It's not my right to dictate to other people that they should spend money they might not have. As long as they pay their respects, with a card or a phone call, that is all they need to do.

I've known a lot of people who passed away and I couldn't or did not go to their funerals. It should be based on how well you know the person and what your relationship was, rather than "you knew them, you should go".
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Old 03-21-2017, 01:22 PM
Status: "I cannot wait for the heat to break..." (set 3 days ago)
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,368 posts, read 25,488,669 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post

It's mind boggling that we now dismiss this circle of life by not showing respect for the life lived...
.
What if the dead person was a real scum? Why should they be respected? I can see being there for the spouse or children but only if you were close to them.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post

If millions who didn't "know" Michael Jackson showed up ....I'd think someone who actually touched your life deserves homage.
This I don't get. You didn't know the person and I'm sure his family didn't care that strangers showed up.
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Old 03-21-2017, 03:53 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh, not Paris. #MAGA.
9,693 posts, read 5,272,723 times
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If the location is close by, I'll attend funerals of relatives, friends, and of relatives of friends. Its all about showing support in my view. But, if there's a significant distance and cost involved, then I'll probably skip, unless its a close relative.
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Old 03-21-2017, 04:26 PM
 
Location: Texas
5,586 posts, read 11,837,023 times
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Funerals are so misunderstood. The person who has died is gone. Funerals are for the living. If you want to honor someone, do it before they die, otherwise, they'll never know they were honored. I often wonder about folks that spend big bucks on funerals. Is it for the memories or is it due to guilt? My personal situation has my family turning me into ashes, no funeral. Just a dinner at home. I would never drop the expense of my death on my family and yes, we can afford funerals, just choose not to give the money away to the undertaker.
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Old 03-21-2017, 06:52 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,531 posts, read 42,708,506 times
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We just spent about $600 and drove for 14 hours, to attend the funeral of my husband's sister. Of course, we had to do this, and were glad to do this.
The thing is, we are retired and have no travel budget. We cannot and will not be able to be at anyone's funeral, unless the person is immediate family. Sorry.
Before we get too old and feeble, we would like to travel to a few places before we die. Every time we have to travel to the funeral of a dead person, puts us further away from doing this. I want my loved ones to spend money on themselves, not on my cold dead self.
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Old 03-23-2017, 01:45 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,633,393 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TrapperL View Post
Funerals are so misunderstood. The person who has died is gone. Funerals are for the living. If you want to honor someone, do it before they die, otherwise, they'll never know they were honored. I often wonder about folks that spend big bucks on funerals. Is it for the memories or is it due to guilt? My personal situation has my family turning me into ashes, no funeral. Just a dinner at home. I would never drop the expense of my death on my family and yes, we can afford funerals, just choose not to give the money away to the undertaker.
Agree that funerals are for the living, and also agree about the cost and think cremation is the way to go.

But if the family decides to have a funeral, you go to support them.
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Old 03-24-2017, 11:21 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,514 posts, read 3,774,014 times
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Well, I have to admit, I was very hurt when two cousins, sisters, who I thought were close, chose not to attend my dad's funeral (he was their uncle). They spent years telling him how much they loved him, how he was their favorite uncle, and now that their dad was dead, he was the closest thing they had to a father, yadi yadi yadi. When their mother died, I drove 300 miles to be there for them, to help with the funeral, staying up all night with one cousin who was hysterical, trying to avert fights between the siblings over viewings, etc. My dad came, too, from 300 miles in a different direction.

When my dad died, it never occurred to me that they would NOT come -- these are cousins who never misse a funeral. One even showed up at a funeral an hour late, and begged to see the body before the burial -- at the cemetery, after the service -- so she could cry over it.

But when my dad died, they called my mother and said they just didn't "feel well" and couldn't come. At the funeral, their brother let it slip that they were going to beach, instead -- and driving right by our town on the way ON THE DAY OF THE FUNERAL. Some might say that I was probably better off with these drama queens not coming -- but I was very hurt and haven't spoken to them since.
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Old 03-25-2017, 12:20 AM
 
Location: At the Lake (in Texas)
2,073 posts, read 1,943,030 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tulani View Post
Sometimes I wonder, "What's the point of going to an out of town funeral if the deceased is not even remotely close?"

My mom died 10 years ago (this coming November). The last ten years of her life we lived within a half mile of the major freeway through Phoenix. Her brothers traveled often through our state (to visit each other) but never stopped to visit my mom. I saw the hurt in my mom's eyes time after time.

When she got sick, these same brothers wanted to come visit her to say goodbye. I told them not to bother, since she was no longer lucid enough to visit and I was in no mood to entertain people who ignored all of us for years.

When she died they called to find out about a funeral. When I told them there was going to be no service and she was being cremated in another city, they were ticked.
I've not spoken to any of them since.

As I said, sometimes I wonder why people even want to attend such funerals.
To me, it's all for show.
For me, and this is just my feeling about funerals, they are for the people still living, not for the deceased. I also think it's important to be attentive to those you care about while they are still living, NOT at a funeral service. And as such, I would never want those who care for me to spend money or make a long trip just to attend a gathering that I am not even really a part of since I would be dead...
I have chosen not to have a funeral...I want to be cremated and have told my son what I wish done with my ashes, and I hope to make videos for each person who has been important in my life...something to tell them "face to face" what they mean to me and to say my goodbyes.

I too buried my mother 11 years ago this coming November ... before that, by choice I have attended only a handful of funerals in my adult life, including my ex-mother in law's funeral and the funeral of a young man I did not know who overdosed -- I had known his mother since he was a baby, and I attended that funeral for her, to let her know I cared and she had my support. Instead of attending funerals, I try to let those I care about know while they are still living and can receive and appreciate my visits, calls, communication and affection.

Like what you described in this post, tulani, it seems some people want to attend funerals to make themselves feel better and make a show of how much they cared, instead of taking the time while that person was alive and could appreciate visits from them.
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Old 03-25-2017, 07:46 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,098 posts, read 3,918,635 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tulani View Post
Sometimes I wonder, "What's the point of going to an out of town funeral if the deceased is not even remotely close?"

My mom died 10 years ago (this coming November). The last ten years of her life we lived within a half mile of the major freeway through Phoenix. Her brothers traveled often through our state (to visit each other) but never stopped to visit my mom. I saw the hurt in my mom's eyes time after time.

When she got sick, these same brothers wanted to come visit her to say goodbye. I told them not to bother, since she was no longer lucid enough to visit and I was in no mood to entertain people who ignored all of us for years.

When she died they called to find out about a funeral. When I told them there was going to be no service and she was being cremated in another city, they were ticked.
I've not spoken to any of them since.

As I said, sometimes I wonder why people even want to attend such funerals.
To me, it's all for show.

I'm sure in many cases it is for show but for me it is a sign of respect to the family left behind. However, in a case like yours, I would also have told the brothers not to bother, they should have visited when your mother was alive and well.


When my grandmother was in a nursing home I actually had a relative tell me "it's too depressing to visit her in the nursing home"! Well shoot, if YOU think it depressing visiting imagine how the person living there must feel if they are not suffering from dementia.


People can be so thoughtless sometimes.
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Old 03-25-2017, 08:00 AM
 
Location: Arizona
5,577 posts, read 4,782,672 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MagnoliaThunder View Post
For me, and this is just my feeling about funerals, they are for the people still living, not for the deceased. I also think it's important to be attentive to those you care about while they are still living, NOT at a funeral service. And as such, I would never want those who care for me to spend money or make a long trip just to attend a gathering that I am not even really a part of since I would be dead...
I have chosen not to have a funeral...I want to be cremated and have told my son what I wish done with my ashes, and I hope to make videos for each person who has been important in my life...something to tell them "face to face" what they mean to me and to say my goodbyes.

I too buried my mother 11 years ago this coming November ... before that, by choice I have attended only a handful of funerals in my adult life, including my ex-mother in law's funeral and the funeral of a young man I did not know who overdosed -- I had known his mother since he was a baby, and I attended that funeral for her, to let her know I cared and she had my support. Instead of attending funerals, I try to let those I care about know while they are still living and can receive and appreciate my visits, calls, communication and affection.

Like what you described in this post, tulani, it seems some people want to attend funerals to make themselves feel better and make a show of how much they cared, instead of taking the time while that person was alive and could appreciate visits from them.
It is not either/or. You treat them well when they are alive and show respect when they die.
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