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Some people have skads of relatives, cousins, aunts, uncles, nephew, nieces, as well as friends, and I'm just wondering what people's cut-off points are for attending funerals. I'm guessing that distance is a factor as well as income limitations and how close your were to any of these people.
After my mother's funeral, which created enough of a financial hardship, and my income level being that it is, I simply can't afford to attend any more funerals, given the long distances involved. This bereavement rate that airlines charge you is a joke!
Myself, I don't care if anyone comes to my funeral, and I've told my surviving brother and sister that, if they don't come to not feel an iota of guilt over it! Take the money and spend it on a more enjoyable trip somewhere else!
Everybody has to decide for themselves what they will do.
It's my belief that people should not act out of a misplaced sense of obligation.
The last thing I would want is for someone to do or spend anything only because of me, if I'm not here anymore to appreciate it.
Sometimes I wonder, "What's the point of going to an out of town funeral if the deceased is not even remotely close?"
My mom died 10 years ago (this coming November). The last ten years of her life we lived within a half mile of the major freeway through Phoenix. Her brothers traveled often through our state (to visit each other) but never stopped to visit my mom. I saw the hurt in my mom's eyes time after time.
When she got sick, these same brothers wanted to come visit her to say goodbye. I told them not to bother, since she was no longer lucid enough to visit and I was in no mood to entertain people who ignored all of us for years.
When she died they called to find out about a funeral. When I told them there was going to be no service and she was being cremated in another city, they were ticked.
I've not spoken to any of them since.
As I said, sometimes I wonder why people even want to attend such funerals.
To me, it's all for show.
Sometimes I wonder, "What's the point of going to an out of town funeral if the deceased is not even remotely close?"
My mom died 10 years ago (this coming November). The last ten years of her life we lived within a half mile of the major freeway through Phoenix. Her brothers traveled often through our state (to visit each other) but never stopped to visit my mom. I saw the hurt in my mom's eyes time after time.
When she got sick, these same brothers wanted to come visit her to say goodbye. I told them not to bother, since she was no longer lucid enough to visit and I was in no mood to entertain people who ignored all of us for years.
When she died they called to find out about a funeral. When I told them there was going to be no service and she was being cremated in another city, they were ticked.
I've not spoken to any of them since.
As I said, sometimes I wonder why people even want to attend such funerals. To me, it's all for show.
... and sometimes to relieve their feelings of guilt.
We all know that our society is changing rapidly in just about every way we can imagine... death and how we deal with it is not immune to the changes.
I think people are figuring out that they can control how they respond to the loss of a loved one, and so grieving and mourning is really beginning to take a new shape for a lot of people. Some need the social support of a gathering of others who are experiencing shared loss. Others prefer to be left alone to cope and heal in their own way.
There's nothing wrong with choosing not to attend a funeral. It's a very personal choice and one that, in my experience, most people accept. But before you make your final decision not to go, maybe think of who else might be there who might appreciate having you there for their comfort and support.
A. Would that person be at my funeral?
B. Was this a person I knew or am I going in support of their family who I knew?
C. Is this relatively easy to attend? Out of state? Plane tickets/hotel?
Funerals are odd occurences, they are never scheduled months in advance! I attended my grandmother's funeral a few years ago. She had dementia for a decade, outlived her husband and even 3 kids. Attendance was light, less than 2 dozen people, many were neighbors/friends of family and a few were caretakers from the nursing home. My uncle gave the eulogy, nervously pulling his ear while doing his 4 page speech about her life.....Who can squeeze 8 decades of stories into 4 pages?
I made fun of his nervous tick (he had an awesome sense of humor!) and told him when I do his eulogy I was going to pull both my ears! Sadly, 58 days later I was standing on the same podium doing the eulogy and yes I pulled both my ears!
He was 56 years old and died from a fall at his home. 100+ year old porch collapsed causing a fall and subsequent fatal head injury. You just never know when your day is up..........
No one has to attend a funeral that they can't attend or don't want to attend. And there is utterly no correlation between degree of love and whether they show up. I've been to funerals where children attended who detested their parent. And conversely, I've been to funerals where the favorite and adored child didn't show up because they were too emotionally distraught. I never judge anyone on this issue. Ever.
Quote:
The last thing I would want is for someone to do or spend anything only because of me, if I'm not here anymore to appreciate it.
+10. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, who had no idea whether you attend or not. If you have dysfunctional, abusive or an"uncongenial" family, then don't go. And don't feel any guilt.
In my family, no one is ever expected to fly anywhere for a funeral. It's just understood that the distance is just too far.
Some funerals that I've missed were of favorite great aunts. But I was in my 20s then and had started a new job -- a lot of people can't take off work for a non-immediate relative.
But then I've been to evening viewings of people I've never met, because I was close to their son/daughter -- a coworker of mine.
And unfortunately, sometimes funerals are the only times when I get to see my extended family. I have LOTS of cousins, and now we're starting to lose some of them.
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