U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-28-2013, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,089 posts, read 6,627,609 times
Reputation: 7136

Advertisements

I'm hoping some of you have had experience with these groups and can share a bit of their experiences.

I lost my mother last July and my grief seems to be getting worse instead of abating. I just can't get over it and am wondering if a Grief Support group might help me?

I am not a people person and feel uncomfortable in groups. I would have no problem discussing my mom to others in a group, and I would rather listen to others speak about their loss. I think that might help me. But is it OK to attend these meetings and just sit and listen to others? You're not forced to speak or stand in front of a group, are you? Sorry for these naive questions, I have no idea what to expect.

Have any of you benefitted from it or did you regard it as a waste of time? I'm not a big fan of therapy or counseling, though I have never attended anything like that. Thanks for any insight.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-28-2013, 06:57 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
I'm hoping some of you have had experience with these groups and can share a bit of their experiences.

I lost my mother last July and my grief seems to be getting worse instead of abating. I just can't get over it and am wondering if a Grief Support group might help me?

I am not a people person and feel uncomfortable in groups. I would have no problem discussing my mom to others in a group, and I would rather listen to others speak about their loss. I think that might help me. But is it OK to attend these meetings and just sit and listen to others? You're not forced to speak or stand in front of a group, are you? Sorry for these naive questions, I have no idea what to expect.

Have any of you benefitted from it or did you regard it as a waste of time? I'm not a big fan of therapy or counseling, though I have never attended anything like that. Thanks for any insight.
Hi, Ulysses. I'm very sorry to hear you lost your mom. Sorry to hear the grieving isn't abating either. I can't comment on grief support IRL because I could not find one where I lived. I would think if you have one in your area the only thing to do is to go try it. If you don't like it, don't go back. I'm pretty sure the first time you go you'd have to introduce yourself to the group though.

If you have read through THIS forum, you "know" us and know what a nice bunch of peeps we are and we care about each other. I know I ended up not needing a IRL group after connecting with people in here.

There are no such things as "naive questions" in here. At whatever point in a person's life, death is a "first time" experience.

God Bless and good luck,
tami
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-28-2013, 06:59 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,577 posts, read 4,782,672 times
Reputation: 16486
Support groups are all different. Depends on the facillitator. I have been told the ones run by hospice are the best but that is just the opinion of a few people that I know. You will have to go to find out. I would think an out of town one would be best. Strangers are better at these than people you know. You can let it all out then.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-28-2013, 07:50 PM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,828 posts, read 850,174 times
Reputation: 6487
The first year after my mother died and the anniversary of her death were intense. My husband has been gone 3 and a half years and I am just now able to think of him without pain.

I very much wanted to talk to someone about my husband's death. I went to a psychologist, a life coach, and a church sponsered grief support group. It was all part of my grieving process, and there was some comfort in being around people who were going through the same experience, but none of them were what I was looking for. I think the old saying about time healing wounds is probably true.

Do look for a group and go. Also, as someone suggested, talk to the very nice people here. It all helps.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-28-2013, 09:54 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,089 posts, read 6,627,609 times
Reputation: 7136
Thanks for the input. There is a grief support group about 10 miles from where I live. I just don't have the heart to go, I think it would depress me more to be around other people who are grieving.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-28-2013, 10:46 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,166 posts, read 16,515,249 times
Reputation: 13359
I tried one when my late wife died. Some guy called me, I think we'd briefly met before, and invited me to go with him. (His wife had died recently too.) I declined a time or two and finally accepted his invitation.

I wasn't impressed with the group. It was a small group of 10-15 people, and I'm sure it changed as different people came and went, but some of them just irritated me.

One guy and his wife attended who had lost their only son in a bicycle accident while he was away at college. Week after week the "dad" would sob about not having anything to live for since his son was killed. I'd look at his wife and want to reach out and slap him. Sure it would be horrible to lose a child. I hope I never know how bad it is. But his wife, a lovely woman, sat by his side each week holding his hand. And he had nothing to live for. How I wished my late wife had been there to hold my hand! I'm sure he'd been looking forward to growing old with grandchildren around, and that dream had been dashed when his son died, but he still had a wife to share his life. Week after week it was like she didn't matter at all.

A middle-aged woman would show up each week to grieve for her grandma, bawling the whole time. I lost all four of my grandparents while I was between 5 and 10 years old. I don't think people should expect to have grandparents when they're grandparents themselves. If they do, great, but when I was grieving the sudden loss of my wife, I found it hard to be very sympathetic to someone my age losing a grandparent.

Then there was the guy who invited me. He hadn't love his wife, and she hadn't love him. He didn't grieve losing her, he grieved the fact that he'd grown old and had never known love.

I didn't talk much, so maybe that's one reason the meetings weren't for me. I've always held my emotions to myself except in the case of my late wife (and now my "new" wife), so when asked how I was doing it was always some form of "I'm okay." In fact, I didn't realize how crippled I was from grief until years later when I could look back on it. For whatever reason, it didn't work well for me. For others it may have helped. With another group it might have worked better for me.

My suggestion is that you try the group. It's got to have a leader. Talk to him/her about it. Get answers to your questions. Then maybe try it a time or two and decide from there whether you want to continue or not.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-29-2013, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,089 posts, read 6,627,609 times
Reputation: 7136
That was a great and detailed answer, I appreciate this. And I can relate to everything you said. It would anger me too if someone is incessantly crying over losing a grandparent when you just lost your wife! I'm not dismissing anyones grief, but obviously, we are all supposed to outlive both our parents and grandparents. That's the natural order of things.

Based on your wonderful answer, I think I will pass on attending any Grief Support group. I asked my neighbor this morning about them, as he attended them after his wife passed 2 years ago. His answer was eerily similar to yours, though far more caustic and biting. He even mentioned that his group also had people in it who just whined that they were old and have never known love. That's indeed sad but extraneous from those grieiving someone they truly loved.

Thank you again, excellent answer!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-29-2013, 05:47 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,166 posts, read 16,515,249 times
Reputation: 13359
I didn't mean to dissuade you from trying the group. Like I said, with a different group leader or a few different people in the group I might have felt completely different about it. It didn't hurt me. It wasn't a pleasant experience, but I don't think it set me back in my grieving process. My suggestion was heartfelt, but I know you must do what you feel is best for you at this point.

Some of my most healing moments were accompanied with tears. I think I mentioned somewhere in this forum before about an old classmate of my late wife's who called me a couple months after her death just to say she was sorry for my loss. It was the middle of the day and I was working, but we must have talked for at least a couple hours about her friend/my darling wife -- not about her death but about her life.

She couldn't see me, so I was free to let the tears stream, and stream they did. It was one of those happy cries. Most of them were when I thought of her; I'd always felt so lucky to have her in my life, and after her death I felt lucky to have shared the last years of her life. (We were only together 3.5 years, but for both of us it was like the happiness for a lifetime was compacted into that time -- 3.5 years of love, laughter and lust.)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2013, 03:53 PM
 
1,050 posts, read 2,866,525 times
Reputation: 1172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
I'm hoping some of you have had experience with these groups and can share a bit of their experiences.

I lost my mother last July and my grief seems to be getting worse instead of abating. I just can't get over it and am wondering if a Grief Support group might help me?

I am not a people person and feel uncomfortable in groups. I would have no problem discussing my mom to others in a group, and I would rather listen to others speak about their loss. I think that might help me. But is it OK to attend these meetings and just sit and listen to others? You're not forced to speak or stand in front of a group, are you? Sorry for these naive questions, I have no idea what to expect.

Have any of you benefitted from it or did you regard it as a waste of time? I'm not a big fan of therapy or counseling, though I have never attended anything like that. Thanks for any insight.

Hi Ulysses. I just saw your post and did not read thru all the others. I am attending what is called "Grief Share". It is a class through a church. It has helped me greatly, knowing what I was and am going through. There are stages of grief, and this class will help. It is scripture related. I am not a religious person, but I have found that it is comforting . You can find more at www.griefshare.com.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2013, 05:46 PM
 
Location: WY
4,909 posts, read 3,486,368 times
Reputation: 5383
I wrote this on my blog back in early October. I only went the one time:

I went to a bereavement support group meeting this morning.
While waiting for it to start I wandered around in the lobby, deeply embedded in deep thoughts, and a woman approached me and introduced herself.
She was young and small and held out her bony and fragile hand to me, and had a voice that sounded like a chipmunk.
As I shook her hand and introduced myself I realized that her small and fragile hand was giving mine a small and fragile shake.
With an uncomfortable shrug of one shoulder she told me that she was the trained facilitator of the group.
She told me her name and I immediately forgot it.
Maybe I was already looking for an excuse. The excuse was standing right in front of me in the form of a woman who smiled too readily and gave me a limp handshake, and in the form of the other two women who had greeted me when I first walked into the building, and who were both artificially light hearted.

I immediately realized that I needed a personality similar in strength to my own, and that she (and they) were not it.
I immediately realized that I would not be returning.
There were six other people in the group who had also had people die on them. All of them were old and all of them had lost spouses. They all told their stories and I simply told them my name.
All were nice people. Some had lost people recently and some had lost people years ago. One old man had lost his wife of 62 years only three months ago.
He was a hurting and lost soul and I felt badly for him as he spoke of life without her. It was sad.
The young, small, limp handshake woman provided college text book advice right on cue, and babbled on about the importance of taking care of yourself while grieving.
She got the text-book-helpful-hints correct. Someone called her name. Her name was Sonny.
Of course it was.
Throughout the hour my heart was racing and I could barely breathe and I had to leave the room three times.
When it was over I grabbed my jacket and pack and rushed wordlessly to the front door, grateful to get the hell out of there.................
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top