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I can't sleep because of all the stress and I haven't eaten in two days.
I suffer from PST along with the grief.
I stay inside my house and I am going deeper and deeper inside of me.
Yesterday, I had a bad bout with the few family members I have left and I really can't handle any stress of any kind.
Then the neighbor's down the street, I haven't talked to since my husband died, he phoned me around 6 p.m. and asked if I could take his wife to hospital and in the back ground she is screaming, "I don't want to go with that crazy lady". I got so nervous and then the fire truck and ambulance came to my house because they are so use to coming to my house so I had to go out to street and pointed them in right direction, I knew everyone of the guys. I was so nervous having to drive to hospital I had a accident and drove home to change.
I picked up neighbor and we drove together to hospital, I did not want this lady to be screaming at me. Well, she apologized and told me she loves me.
I admit, I wasn't the nicest person while my husband was dying, and afterward I spiraled downward. I do have PTS, a condition that is common in our military. My husband was trying to kill me and I was constantly being screamed at by him because he was so confused. I find I am going inside of myself. My Doctor insists I seek help. I do not talk to any of the neighbors and most of the time I have my blinds closed and when I do go outside I put my head down so I won't talk to them. I stay inside of my house. I do not talk but to a few people and mostly I listen.
I do not eat sweets (sugar), drink water and morning coffee, no alcohol, do not smoke, exercise almost daily. Take vitamins and loads of them, many for brain.
I can not tolerate no stress, no patience, I have a temper. Appetite is fading.
I am still crying and yearning my old husband back.
One of the neighbor's that I know, she makes me keep in touch once a week and I told her I am really social and I am having friends but I did not tell the truth so I would not be lectured. Being in any public place is a struggle.
I am becoming quieter, more withdrawn, listen more, don't talk about me often. My Doctor feels I need professional help. Gee, taking care of my husband for so long and doing everything on my own, and I seldom shared with anyone because I did not want anyone to not like my husband. He did not know what he was doing.
The mental health care thus far, I hear the professional telling me their problems that they deal with about their children or a relative who had Alz. No one seems like a good fit.
I am tired of struggling, three steps forward, four backward. How long do you say we have to go through this grief?
This is me, pathetic, huh? I am going deeper and deeper inside. Thanks for listening.
sp...your grief and isolation is not conducive to a good outcome for you. Assuming that you have had a recent physical and a panel of lab work ups, right now is the time for you to speak with your physician about an immediate referral to a mental health professional.
From your description of recent events it appears your emotional load over the past appears to be weighing heavily on you and I do not believe that you should try to resolve this on your own without professional assistance...just my opinion. God speed and best wishes, sincerely!
Best regards, sincerely
HomeIsWhere...
I offer this caveat to ALL self appointed opinion enforcers of the c-d forums, please note that I do not offer any advice based on professional, medical, or religious accreditation but rather that of a layman to the human condition. I believe we may all agree that this may be globally recognized by most compassionate human beings.
SMILIN, gosh, I feel so bad for you, losing your husband and all. They say that is the number one stress situation a person can go through. So, it's no wonder you have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and you are feeling depresssed, which is where you don't want to eat, go anywhere, unhappy, that sort of thing. Generally speaking, a group of psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers, a large practice, you will get very good assistance with what bothers you. A psychiatrist will prescribe a little something for you to lift your spirits. And if you have any trouble sleeping, they may give you a limited script for that, to get you back on track. Then you'll get to visit more than likely a very good psychologist to run through how you're doing, so you can get OUT what is inside. That alone is a relief. So, I wouldn't turn away from that. If you're in small town America and there is no GROUP of psychs, the county health department has fairly good help, just like that, too, with someone always available, usually several people, for walk-ins. Now, that's when you get it together to look in the phone book, find such places, give it a think, and when you're ready, give it a shot.
In the meantime, do some deep breathing, very relaxing. If you are postmenopausal, try sprinkling some sesame seeds on a few meals a week, they are good for depression and so many other things, and you can always stop if you don't like it. Go ahead and pull the curtains, unplug the phone when you DO NOT want to talk to anyone, get your afternoon matinees and evening TV set up, play on the computer (great release, isn't it!), and get some very easy-to-eat "grazing" food, like a banana, cereal, French bread with butter, lunchmeat..which I LOVE olive baloney and eat it right out of the package, and so forth. Lean towards good foods, but it's okay to break down and have CHOCOLATE! I hope my few words help. I really do sympathize, as I also have a bit of PTSD on account of many unhappy experiences in the last ten years, but I DO see a psych, I DO take medicines, and I MAKE myself do stuff I don't want to, and somehow I get through my days, and despite all my problems, etc., I am actually fully out of about a five-year depression, very deep, your words "deep, deep," yes, that's the way it is indeed. So, keep in mind, "This too will pass." All the best for always, GG
Thank you both. I will phone my Doctor today and go see her and we will talk about who I shall contact. I am on anti-anxiety medication for the last 2 1/2 years. It is so weird because this last weekend I went so deep inside of myself I had a panic attack, thought I would not come back. The last 16 mos my husband wanting to kill me, I kept it a secret, did not want anyone to know. I was told by Doctors to place locks on doors, in case he came after me I could lock myself into bedroom He would pound and scream at my door, wanting at me. The hospice nurse told me that 99 percent of military are violent when they have Alzheimer's. I use to envy men whose wives had Alzheimer's. There stories were different from mine. One time he took a hatchet and ax and came after me and so I had all of our yard tools at neighbor's and locked all kitchen knives in locked closet. Anything he could use as a weapon, it was hidden. Living my life in fear for so many months, after he died I mourned his loss and then all of a sudden I am now realizing what I went through. Yesterday, was a reminder when emergency vehicles came to my house, they were so use to it. Then I was waiting for police to arrive, it was flashbacks. I was shaking.
I guess I no longer can fight this on my own.
I am so tired of seeing mental health specialists and doctors and I just want my life to be normal. Roller Coaster for sure.
I am so glad you are seeing your Doc and I hope he/she will have some suggestions for you. Can you get a referral to a new therapist?
Are you comfortable being in your neighborhood? It seems it is stress-inducing to live there. Is there the possibility of moving to another location, where you can start fresh, without the terrible memories of your husband's decline in that house . . . and where there is no one around to question you or ask you to do things for them that lead to your feeling stressed?
Just a thought. Sometimes, a new living situation can be a big relief.
Oh, smilin', I'm so sorry to hear about what you had to go through while awaiting your husband's death. I am very glad to hear you will get in touch with your doctor.
I talked to my Doctor's office manager, she talked to me for 30 mins and I talked to my chiropractor. I will see my Doctor on Tuesday and they will help search for professional help, starting with Alzheimer's Association, today they were closed. I think I need some kind of guidance, the steps to go forward.
You know I do like living here because my neighbors all watch out for me. I feel safe here. They all saw all of the action that took place, so they understand. I am still wobbly and it is important they know it, so I am telling them.
My husband's niece will be visiting me for six days so I will have some support.
My Doctor told me all along I never had time to grieve or process all that was happening because I had to take care of my husband. I use to think, when he passes I will get on with my life. I was okay for two months after his death and "BANG" this grief hit me and I have been struggling ever since. It is like I am on a roller coaster, I dip down and then I go back up. But the last month has been rather difficult. I am remembering more and more about the incidents and it is kind of traumatizing. I don't know how to process the information.
{{{Smiling}}} I wish I could hug you in person. You have to know that what you've gone through would break ANYONE! I'm surprised you're doing as well as you are, I'd be much worse. My hubby had a brain tumor, so I know just a bit, very small amount of what you're going through. He never tried to harm me physically, but trashed me to others. My youngest son totally changed around me, and I didnt find out for years after his dad passed, that his dad told him I had never wanted him. He said I tried to abort him and that he "forced" me to have him.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I tried and tried to have another baby and dearly wanted and loved him. The reason I'm telling you this, is what helped me get over what my SO did, was to totally forgive him. I almost lost my son and did lose friends, but my husband was sick and couldnt help what his illness caused. You cant take anything your hubby did to you to heart. Imagine him well, and how horrible he'd feel not only what he did, but how bad you're doing now.
Try your best to remember the good times, THAT was your husband, not the monster illness created. Its normal to miss him and you probably always will. Just feel lucky for the times you had with him before he fell ill. Some never find love like I bet you had. I'm so glad you're getting help and pray you're back to your old self soon. Posting here shows how strong and brave you truly are. {{{{more hugs}}}
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Run, don't walk...
