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Old 05-05-2013, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Dayton Sux View Post
Dont know if Im asking for advice...maybe if others notice this, that if you lost yr spouse or partner that it takes a long time and you still grieve on occasion, well past the time when you lost him or her?
Dayton, you may find help in attending a grief class. The one I was in is called Griefshare, and is usually at a church. There were people in my class who had lost loved ones years ago. One young man lost his father 5 years ago, and was having a difficult time. It is something to think about. Check online for one in your area.
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Old 05-05-2013, 08:46 PM
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Hang in there Dayton, 3 years may seem little to some, but I think it is amazing that you were able to deal with your pain for this long. For me, I recently became single after being with my gf for 3 years. It has only been about a month but I love her so much, even that one month is so hard for me till this day, nothing makes me happy. But I am determined to win her back whatever it takes! There will always be that one person who makes you happy and no matter what others will assume and say, you know your partner the best and outside forces should not stop you. But yes for emotional people like us, times can be alittle hard to cope with. I would strongly recommend building up and improving yourself whether it be physical, or a hobby you enjoy. For me I have turned to fitness and improving myself. Physically improving yourself, running, working out, going for a hike is a way of relief and feeling unstoppable it is almost addicting in a good way. I know even I struggle with this, but never let oppression and sadness consume you, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. It is most definitely inspiring to read everyones post here though, I don't know what I would do if I lost my lover.. Just know that your lover wants you to be happy and not sad. Make sure not to bottle up everything inside. Health wise and mentally that is bad.. be free!
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Old 05-06-2013, 02:18 AM
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Uurgh, know how you feel and what you are experiencing. It seems I am Gumby and twisting and turning, making new changes and self improving, to deal with the emotional upset and upheaval that grief brings on. It has been 10 months for me and I cry daily, because some event, something said or event reminds me of what I use to have with him. My DH and I just clicked and to find someone else that I just "click" with might happen or might not.

Remember grief has no time limit. You will always remember the wonderful moments you had with your partner, the enduring moments and how wonderful to acknowledge those ever-lasting memories. I know many people told me I was lucky to have found a loving man, we had 38 years together.

I am trying to build a life for myself. I know someday, my life will be promising, so much different than it is at present and I will embrace that but for now I embrace the memories I had with me DH.

I just know one day, you will fill in that void you feel now.

Take good care, hugs
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Old 05-06-2013, 09:57 AM
Location: Wyoming
9,167 posts, read 16,519,971 times
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Originally Posted by Dayton Sux View Post
... I felt this bittersweet loss....
I know bittersweet. It's not all bad, is it. The memories are sweet; knowing she's gone is a bitter pill not easily swallowed. A smile comes to my face when I think about her, but a lump forms in my chest and tears often well in my eyes at the same time.

My late wife died 17 years ago this month. I got an email from her sister a year ago, the first contact since shortly after her death. (My computer had crashed and I'd lost her email address.) I wrote back saying how nice it was to hear from her. She responded that she hadn't written because she thought it might be hard for me and asked if I wanted to stay in contact. Of course I did! And I told her that, tears welling as I typed it. And then I couldn't. I just haven't been able to write back again because it's so hard.

My late wife's son stopped by to see me twice a couple years ago while in the area. (He lives 2000 miles away.) I was very, very happy to see him, but it was also difficult emotionally. I saw her in his face.

I remarried 11 years ago and am happy with my new wife. But I still miss my late wife. I still tear up now and then. I can't write to her sister or to her kids without bawling... so I don't. One of these days I will, but it won't be when I can do it without all the emotions, because that will never be.

You'd think time would heal these wounds and we could remember the good times without the sadness, but I don't think it works that way. Bittersweet is probably the best we can do. (*Wipes a tear from my eye*)
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Old 05-07-2013, 06:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Dayton Sux View Post
My partner passed away unexpectedly in October 2009. We met in 1987 and started living togther in 1988.

So, October 2009....3 years, 3 months later, and two boyfriends since, you'd think I'd be over it.

But no.

Driving back to Louisville last weekend, something on the raido, a song or CD, or something, from back then, back in our early days together or reminded me of that time, and I felt his loss again, and started crying. I used to do that on-and-off esp. the first year he was gone, start sobbing when somehow my emotions and the mise-en-scene somehow clilqued and it was so actue that I couldnt ...i just stated to cry.

This eventually stopped, but it still happens. Felt it again.

And on the way back i decided to drive the river road back to Ohio instead of the interstate, following the river into Cincinnati. We used to do this sometimes, back in 1989/90/91 or so. So again, I felt this bittersweet loss....familairity of the landscape, and the pretty scenery and changing light and sky and on & off rain of Spring, and the trees leafing, blossoms, etc....yet he was not in the seat beside me.

...thinking back and thinking how I miss him still. How I wish he was still around and thinking there won't be another person who I can share this with ....that we were so much 'on the same wavelength' when it comes to things.

Hard to say..but felt that "alone" feeling more, last week and this. That losing him is back in my life somehow, that time hasn't healed this or dulled this loss, or maybe my grief is taking a very long time to play out.... ???
Hi, Dayton -- I should have known something else was going on with you. You sounded so sad.

Get some help. There are grief support groups in your city. Type "(your city) and grief support groups" into your search engine, and you'll come up with a number of links.

A grief support group will help you learn to let go. Some of us are just very emotional and get very attached, and, well, it's just harder for us to let go.

And let go doesn't mean 'forget' or to trivialize what the two of you had. It simply means getting beyond the acute pain (which will come up off and on for years, if not the rest of your life).

Your partner wouldn't want you to grieve forever.

I wish you the very best.
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:36 PM
Location: Planet Woof
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I and my partner have been together for 23 years in Cincinnati and if anything happened to her I don't know how I would cope. You don't say it, but if you were part of a gay couple it is really harder to find accepting support in SW Ohio. A grief support group might help you work through some of your feelings. ''Psychology Today'' website has a ''find a therapist'' section where you can find therapists who might know of a grief group where you could find comfort and understanding.
As far as losing someone you love, I don't think we ever ''get over'' it. It just hurts a little less to the point where you can function without it crippling your emotions.
I believe that I will be with all my loved ones again some day and that helps ease the pain a bit. But it never goes completely away.
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Old 08-13-2013, 01:13 PM
Location: "Daytonnati"
4,245 posts, read 5,750,175 times
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I found this online...a song lyric (the tune is pretty good too, if yr into that folk rock sound)...about being a widower. This a young band, young folks, but they sort of nail it....

mod cut
Damn, the winter has followed me,
waiting for softer times and greener leaves.
I'll never find another of your kind,
I hold this true.
I will not be a husband that's set free,
I said "I do".


Last edited by Sam I Am; 08-16-2013 at 02:50 AM.. Reason: so sorry - that's considered a copyright violation
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Old 08-13-2013, 09:51 PM
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Wow, thank you for sharing, sniffle, so true.
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Old 11-22-2013, 03:37 PM
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It has been 7 years and 2 partners later... no it never goes away. Never I often just want to be with her... just wish
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Old 11-28-2013, 09:31 PM
18,856 posts, read 30,455,105 times
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I guess all I can say is sorry. But, move forward with your life. It is a challenge. Make it thru the holiday season, and think about some forward thinking for the New Year. I won't say find someone else, because it is impossible to find when you are unhappy. But, think about one positive change for your life for next year.

Best wishes to you.
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