U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-30-2013, 08:22 AM
 
Location: "Daytonnati"
4,245 posts, read 5,747,512 times
Reputation: 2953

Advertisements

My partner passed away unexpectedly in October 2009. We met in 1987 and started living togther in 1988.

So, October 2009....3 years, 3 months later, and two boyfriends since, you'd think I'd be over it.

But no.

Driving back to Louisville last weekend, something on the raido, a song or CD, or something, from back then, back in our early days together or reminded me of that time, and I felt his loss again, and started crying. I used to do that on-and-off esp. the first year he was gone, start sobbing when somehow my emotions and the mise-en-scene somehow clilqued and it was so actue that I couldnt ...i just stated to cry.

This eventually stopped, but it still happens. Felt it again.

And on the way back i decided to drive the river road back to Ohio instead of the interstate, following the river into Cincinnati. We used to do this sometimes, back in 1989/90/91 or so. So again, I felt this bittersweet loss....familairity of the landscape, and the pretty scenery and changing light and sky and on & off rain of Spring, and the trees leafing, blossoms, etc....yet he was not in the seat beside me.

...thinking back and thinking how I miss him still. How I wish he was still around and thinking there won't be another person who I can share this with ....that we were so much 'on the same wavelength' when it comes to things.

Hard to say..but felt that "alone" feeling more, last week and this. That losing him is back in my life somehow, that time hasn't healed this or dulled this loss, or maybe my grief is taking a very long time to play out.... ???
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-30-2013, 08:23 AM
 
Location: "Daytonnati"
4,245 posts, read 5,747,512 times
Reputation: 2953
Dont know if Im asking for advice...maybe if others notice this, that if you lost yr spouse or partner that it takes a long time and you still grieve on occasion, well past the time when you lost him or her?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-30-2013, 09:52 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,242,129 times
Reputation: 22270
I still get very emotional about losing my best friend, even though it has been about 6 years now since she died. She was a mother figure as well as simply being (as you said) "on the same wave length" about mutual interests (cooking, decorating, fashion, personal ideals and goals, gardening, etc).

I try to think of the great advice she gave me and how much joy I felt in her presence rather than concentrating on the loss of her company. That took a while . . . the first few years, all I could think about was how I couldn't pick up the phone and call her or write her an email . . . no more great outings visiting museums or checking out a new restaurant at lunch . . .

I don't think we ever "get over" losing someone important in our lives, but I do think we can re-focus how we integrate tthe things they meant to us in our daily lives. I often think - oh my, wouldn't X find this hilarious! Or - If X were here, she would remind me to keep my chin up and stop the pity party.

That is how I have found I can still smile and feel comforted by the things I learned about the world and shared with my dear friend, without feeling so very sad that she is not here to laugh and cry with now.

Each of us is unique. We can't replace someone important to us . . . but we can hope to make new friends, form new relationships and find other things to share with someone new. That is the only way I know to cherish the past and still leave the door open to the possibility that others may also have things in common with us and find us a good friend or companion. If we focus on the loss rather than cherishing the friendship/relationship, we aren't staying open to other people who may cross our paths and some day become dear to us.

Don't know if any of what I wrote will help you any, but I do believe that nearly everyone over the age of 40 or so has lost someone important to them - whether a spouse, friend or parent. From what people have shared with me over the years, most folks come to cherish the memory without concentrating solely on the loss, but it doesn't happen over night.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-30-2013, 04:44 PM
 
Location: Denver, Colorado U.S.A.
14,174 posts, read 22,492,358 times
Reputation: 10428
So sorry to hear that. I've been w/my partner for 17 years and know it would be devistating to lose him.

I remember my grandmother died suddenly when she was in her 50s and my grandfather handled it by finding a new woman and re-marrying within a year. They've now been together for over 35 years and happy. I don't think I'd handle it that way though. I'm still crying over my dog's death 9 months ago lol!

But I do think I'd have to eventually find someone else in order to move on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-30-2013, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,291 posts, read 4,748,895 times
Reputation: 5220
I lost my husband seven years ago, my dad 3 years ago, I still miss them. Last summer my brother and I travelled in my motorhome, we went out west for over 60 days, we retraced previous trips I had taken with my husband and father.

My first trip out west, was taken with my dad, I was 16, the second was when I was 35, with my husband. Then at age 50, my dad, my husband and I all travelled together for 6 weeks. My trip last summer was for my 65th B-day....all the trips were wonderful!

Yes, there were moments of sadness, yet overall revisiting the various areas brought a smile to my face, old and new memories pressed between the pages of my mind.

I am sorry for everyone's losses, it is difficult, I am now alone, yet happy and at peace, my doggies always keep a smile on my face!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-30-2013, 09:14 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,088 posts, read 6,626,055 times
Reputation: 7126
Dayton, I don't think three years is a long time at all. In many ways, it's a very short time indeed. I don't think there is anything strange at all that you still miss your partner. You will miss him him for the rest of your life and think of him every day. That's perfectly normal and to be expected.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-02-2013, 12:36 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,737,637 times
Reputation: 7078
Dayton, my husband died at age 59, suddenly and without warning on October 26, 2009. We married in 1972 and raised four kids together. To this day, I can't think about him and not get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I miss him so very, very much. There is a lot of hurt I have that I've stuffed down over the years, and for that reason, I haven't fully grieved, and each time I think of him, that hurt is right there on the surface, and I stuff it down again. The pain is awful. I had to sell our home of 36 years that we built in the mountains west of Colorado Springs, and move to our "snowbird" condo in Tucson, because of finances. We used to take lots of road trips together, with kids, and after we empty nested kids, and I remember them by going to Google Earth, going to Street Level in some city we loved, and by clicking the cursor, "driving" our old road trips.

As time goes by, milestones become amazing in a way. I'll think of Michael Jackson's death, or Patrick Swayze's and know just a few months later, my dh was gone, too. They seem like they've been gone for so long, yet, dh has been gone just as long. It's hard to connect. I'll see an old episode of Criminal Minds (our favorite show), and realize it was shown in 2010, and that he never saw it. The longer he's gone, the more I realize how much I've lived that he missed, and I hate it. I don't think I've grieved him well at all. Much of that has to do with the fact that my now 23 year old son moved home to "take care of me" after his dad died, and it's actually stifled me more than helped me. It made me keep my feelings to myself rather than be able to just scream, cry, yell, get angry or any of the normal things of grieving. Instead, to appear strong, I've kept everything to myself because when I would cry, he'd think I was a wuss.

I have never had any interest in another man, dating, or marriage. I still wear my wedding rings, and still surround myself with the things we loved. I will always be his until we are together again.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-02-2013, 01:46 PM
 
Location: "Daytonnati"
4,245 posts, read 5,747,512 times
Reputation: 2953
Thanks for yr comments, and some good ones I can really relate to.

Quote:
The longer he's gone, the more I realize how much I've lived that he missed, and I hate it. I don't think I've grieved him well at all.

yes, I notice this too. I feel that I am sort of...how can I say this...unworthy or its somehow unfair of me...to do a lot of the things Ive done (example...taking a lot of road trips, etc) since he's passed. The feeling "Ive shouldve done this with Johnny...geez, wish he could have seen this", that type of thing. These are the new experiences.

But in a way they are new. Sort of marking my new life. Mixed feelings about this.

Another thing is how, here, things close...a bar or restaurant or shop we used to go to closes, goes out of business etc, and I think I think it fitting, as the physical reminders, the places we knew togther, are disappearing. Becoming memories as well.

The grieving experience for me is sort of ongoing. I was sort of numb for the period immediate following his death as I had to make arrangments, fly back to Calfiornia with his ashes, etc..so didnt really have a chance to ...what...to feel the loss until a bit later.

So its been sort of a delayed...and ongoing...thing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-02-2013, 02:43 PM
 
5,106 posts, read 6,060,240 times
Reputation: 9677
I haven't read all the good advice you have had, but is there some anniversary or milestone event occurring? Sometimes that triggers feelings.

But hang in there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dayton Sux View Post
My partner passed away unexpectedly in October 2009. We met in 1987 and started living togther in 1988.

So, October 2009....3 years, 3 months later, and two boyfriends since, you'd think I'd be over it.

But no.

Driving back to Louisville last weekend, something on the raido, a song or CD, or something, from back then, back in our early days together or reminded me of that time, and I felt his loss again, and started crying. I used to do that on-and-off esp. the first year he was gone, start sobbing when somehow my emotions and the mise-en-scene somehow clilqued and it was so actue that I couldnt ...i just stated to cry.

This eventually stopped, but it still happens. Felt it again.

And on the way back i decided to drive the river road back to Ohio instead of the interstate, following the river into Cincinnati. We used to do this sometimes, back in 1989/90/91 or so. So again, I felt this bittersweet loss....familairity of the landscape, and the pretty scenery and changing light and sky and on & off rain of Spring, and the trees leafing, blossoms, etc....yet he was not in the seat beside me.

...thinking back and thinking how I miss him still. How I wish he was still around and thinking there won't be another person who I can share this with ....that we were so much 'on the same wavelength' when it comes to things.

Hard to say..but felt that "alone" feeling more, last week and this. That losing him is back in my life somehow, that time hasn't healed this or dulled this loss, or maybe my grief is taking a very long time to play out.... ???
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-02-2013, 09:41 PM
 
3,699 posts, read 3,025,705 times
Reputation: 10007
My wife died five years ago and there are days when her memories slip into my thoughts, time heals pretty well but it never completely does the job. I had the same experience of heavy grief and loneliness that most do after the loss of one so loved, it was the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I'm now re married and happy to have someone in my life again, both my new wife and I lost our spouses to cancer, we both know the pain of feeling that tremendous loss. I got a real education about those people who were friends at the time of my wife's death, some stayed some left, all changed. I'm now in a new town and starting over at 67 years of age, a daunting task but necessary. I know I'm so fortunate to have found a person who really understands what I went through, I hope you do too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top