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Old 06-12-2013, 07:26 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,300,088 times
Reputation: 3564

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It's hard to get to know people who don't talk about their past very often...What did they "go through" during their life? What did they "learn?" How did they "weather" all the "storms?"...Can they talk about mistakes they felt they made? (Along the way.).. Have they "worked" to "find peace" or forgive others who "did them wrong?"...Where are they "at" today? And where do they want to "go" next?..If I ever decide to start dating again I'd look for someone who was more of an "open book." (Versus a "closed book.")...I'd want to hear about all of his "earlier chapters." (Even though his past life didn't involve me.)...And I'd want to be with someone who was interested in my "past history" too. Someone who wanted to get to know me "in-depth."...We wouldn't have to "live" in the past. But I don't want to "bury" or "erase" the past either. And pretend that it never "existed.".. Or act like the past doesn't "affect us" today.
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Old 06-13-2013, 12:48 AM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,724 posts, read 21,188,744 times
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Bingo, CArizona! As we age our wisdom and memories become our strong points. We lose out to the youth on the physical side, but we've lived through a lot of history and learned from decades of personal experiences. We should share those. We are our history.
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Old 06-13-2013, 05:39 AM
 
Location: Manhattan, Ks
1,280 posts, read 6,970,855 times
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My Mom is the only person in my life who will talk about my daughter. I am so grateful to her for it. It's uncomfortable for other people and I hate that I feel like I have to protect their feelings by keeping her to myself. I'll occasionally chime in about my pregnancy when others are talking about theirs or pregnancy in general. But I work with (adult) students who move on after a year so they don't generally know my history.
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Old 06-13-2013, 07:11 AM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
39,044 posts, read 27,468,646 times
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This is actually a really good question. I guess many spouses who lost their wives and husbands to natural or unexpected death struggle with this issue at one time or another.

I lost my first boyfriend to suicide at age of 24. I learned from trauma counseling session that I was dealing with compounded complex grief. I had overwhelming needs to talk about my lost loved one constantly because talking was healing to me.

It takes a while for me to realize that most people are afraid of the subject of death. They meant good and perhaps really did try to help me, but they couldn't find the right words to say. What helped me the most is joining a support group. Nobody in that group would be sick and tired of talking about our or their loved ones. Support group is very healing to the survivors.

I've been dealing with grief for more than four years and I can honestly say I've gone through all the stages of grief. Grief is highly individual journey. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve. You have to find your own way, it is a learn as you go process. Some people need to talk about their loved ones all the time, some people just shut down pretending everything is okay.

well, when people tell me, "you need to get over it already, it is 3 month already, 6 months already, 1 year already. Why are you still crying?" My default answer is always, "because my loved one is still died." That pretty much shut up the insensitive folks rather quickly.

Bottom line, grief is a kind of extremely difficult emotional work. You cannot "get over" it, you can only get through it. It is also a very lonely journey.

My suggestion is that you need to let out your emotions. If nobody want to talk to you or listen to you anymore, join a support group, talk to a counselor. In time, you will be able to cope it well.

Good luck
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Old 06-13-2013, 07:20 AM
 
Location: Florida
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On occasion, I do share some of our travel stories and if someone asks me a question about him I will respond in detail, that's about it.
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Old 06-13-2013, 08:31 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,300,088 times
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Great posts!...I agree with WyoNewk. I wouldn't want to have to pretend to be a "newborn." (Who just popped-up out of "nowhere.").. Or a "blank slate." (With no previous life or history.)...I'd be afraid to get involved with a man who was reluctant to talk about his past. What is he "hiding?" What is he trying to avoid "facing?"...I think we all bring a certain amount of "unfinished business" or unresolved issues into our new relationships...But I'd rather step-in knowing what some of these issues might be. (Versus getting involved with "mystery men.")..And if a man was ready to get involved with me without knowing "too much" about me I wouldn't really feel "loved." (For myself!)...I'd probably consider him an "anyone will do" type of man who is just after a woman. (Any woman who happens to be "handy.")...In order to have "substance" and "meaning" in my relationships it's important to know who someone "is." And where they've "been." And where they're "headed" in the future.
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Old 06-14-2013, 02:15 AM
 
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
4,922 posts, read 8,552,298 times
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I can talk easily about my husband now, after 3 1/2 years, they way I'd talk about my parents or his who have been gone for over 20 years. Possibly because I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in dating or being in a relationship again. Besides, there are no single men anywhere near my age in my community, so dating and relationships are not even on my radar. I'm comfortable being me, on my own, and don't want to start over again. I still wear my wedding rings to honor my husband and our marriage, and because he is still the love of my life. The fact that he died hasn't diminished my love for him, and I talk about him with respect and pride, just as I would if he were still alive. I think that puts people at ease and they don't feel awkward around me.
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Old 06-14-2013, 04:51 AM
 
Location: Not where I want to be
24,509 posts, read 24,140,218 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
I can talk easily about my husband now, after 3 1/2 years, they way I'd talk about my parents or his who have been gone for over 20 years. Possibly because I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in dating or being in a relationship again. Besides, there are no single men anywhere near my age in my community, so dating and relationships are not even on my radar. I'm comfortable being me, on my own, and don't want to start over again. I still wear my wedding rings to honor my husband and our marriage, and because he is still the love of my life. The fact that he died hasn't diminished my love for him, and I talk about him with respect and pride, just as I would if he were still alive. I think that puts people at ease and they don't feel awkward around me.
Me too, Marcy. I'm not on "the hunt".
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Old 06-14-2013, 07:40 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,300,088 times
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I'm not ready to date right now either...And it's hard to imagine ever wanting to date. But maybe I'll feel differently in the future. (Not sure.)...Right now I have a "no vacancy" sign around my neck. And I don't come across as "available." (Because I'm not!)...Awhile back ago a longtime family friend had a "talk" with me and said he'd like to be "first in line" if I ever decide to start dating.. I appreciate his honesty but this put a "strain" on our friendship. I don't want to give him "false hope" or "lead him on." So I don't see him very often anymore...He was divorced (twice) earlier in life and never had the type of "love" (or ongoing friendship) that I had with my husband. So he really doesn't understand...Before I met my husband I was a divorcee too. And I thought it was easy to "replace people." (Since I'd never had a happy and long-lasting marriage or relationship in the past.) But now I feel differently because I did meet and marry the "great love" of my life. (And we had 30 wonderful years together!)
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Old 06-14-2013, 10:15 PM
 
1,627 posts, read 3,208,310 times
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CArizona, beautiful and well said words. Thank you for sharing.

I love the phrase, "no vacancy" sign around your neck. That is a excellent way of putting it.

I dress down because I am not ready to dress up and attract men, not that I would even if I did dress up, I am not all that attractive.

There are some days I become so lonesome, my heart just aches for my husband and for his company but I would rather have my heart ache than entertain the thought of finding "someone".

Gee, I am out and about more and that is a good thing but I find myself looking for Sam. I told my handyman the other day, I just can't find a man and you know what he told me?? He replied "Good Luck, there aren't any REAL men out there anymore, my suggestion is to find a young one, you can break them in the way you want". haaa, haaa.

Everyday it is a new beginning for me and everyday I learn more about me.

((((CArizona))))
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