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Old 06-10-2013, 07:08 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,379,916 times
Reputation: 3533

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How much is "too much" when it comes to talking about a deceased spouse?...Most people probably assume that I've put the past "behind me" because they don't bring-up my husband (or son) very often anymore. I don't talk about them non-stop because I don't want to "bore" anyone...What happens when a widow or widower enters into a new relationship but still wants to talk about their deceased spouse at times?...I know I'm not ready to date yet because I still feel "bonded" to my husband.
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Old 06-10-2013, 10:56 AM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,416 posts, read 17,382,101 times
Reputation: 14073
When my current wife and I met we were just friends and I talked about my late wife quite a bit. After we'd become "more than friends" -- after she moved in with me, she quickly got tired of hearing about things that my late wife and I had done together and I had to cut back on even mentioning her. A couple months ago she (current wife) said she was tired of hearing about things my ex and I had done. "You never even mention (late wife), who was supposedly the love of your life."

I think part of the reason she got tired of hearing about my ex is because back then (20+ years ago), I was very well off financially and we did a lot of traveling and living high off the hog, so to speak, while now the money is gone (to the ex) and we're struggling to just get by.
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Old 06-10-2013, 11:42 AM
 
Location: SWFL
22,851 posts, read 19,286,589 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
When my current wife and I met we were just friends and I talked about my late wife quite a bit. After we'd become "more than friends" -- after she moved in with me, she quickly got tired of hearing about things that my late wife and I had done together and I had to cut back on even mentioning her. A couple months ago she (current wife) said she was tired of hearing about things my ex and I had done. "You never even mention (late wife), who was supposedly the love of your life."

I think part of the reason she got tired of hearing about my ex is because back then (20+ years ago), I was very well off financially and we did a lot of traveling and living high off the hog, so to speak, while now the money is gone (to the ex) and we're struggling to just get by.
You can't seem to win for losing, Wyo. Guess you should go back to talking about the late wife, huhn? Sorry to hear of the financial situation. Been there, doing that.
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Old 06-10-2013, 01:48 PM
 
18,852 posts, read 31,698,893 times
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My SO was married, happily, for 45 years. When we first were dating, he did not mention her much, because he was still grieving, and still is... That is fine, he was so lonely though, and wanted to be with someone...

He mentions her every so often, that is fine, he does not get into long discussions about her.

I am not jealous, they had a completely different relationship than we do...

You can only move forward in life. And being with someone adds much to your life.
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Old 06-10-2013, 11:49 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
24,977 posts, read 23,882,175 times
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I don't worry about it too much. I speak of my now deceased grandparents, parent, sibling... you get the idea.

I don't know how you can not mention or at least allude to the presence of a loved one when you're relating a story about an event or adventure, vacation, daily life. I wasn't alone when these things happened.

I try to keep things light and not mention the dead by name very often. I relate stories because they are pertinent.
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Old 06-11-2013, 04:25 AM
 
Location: "Daytonnati"
4,245 posts, read 5,982,537 times
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Its tough for me to talk about the past without brining in my late partner...in fact I have to be self-concious about this so I dont bring it up when talking...

...shortly after he passed I went out on..perhaps it was a date...with this other guy and he pretty much told me I talked to much about my partner. After that i realized I had more grief work to do before becoming social (...and I guess I understand why in some countries the tradition is for widows ..and widowers?....to mourn for a year.).

I think this varies, though, as you move away further in time from your wife/husband/partners passing you speak less of them to others.
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Old 06-11-2013, 08:04 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,379,916 times
Reputation: 3533
I've always been sort of a "storyteller" when it comes to my past. (I grew-up in a family of "storytellers.")..My husband was a "storyteller" too! So we were a good "match."...I loved to hear "tales" from his past! The "stories" have humor in them because all of the events have "passed." (Sometimes we even "poked fun" at ourselves!)...Or the "stories" can be "heartwarming." Or about lessons learned the "hard way," etc...My younger son was a "storyteller" too...If I ever decide to start dating again I'd need to be with another "storyteller." Otherwise the relationship probably wouldn't work out.
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Old 06-11-2013, 08:32 AM
 
Location: "Daytonnati"
4,245 posts, read 5,982,537 times
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I like that concept or way of looking at communicating...the 'storyteller". Sounds VERY familiar to my family!
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Old 06-11-2013, 09:04 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,379,916 times
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Dayton Sux....Thanks for posting. My husband grew-up in a "storytelling" family too. (So it all seemed "normal" to us.).. But I know this isn't the case for everybody...Some people keep a "tight lid" on the past. And don't discuss past events all the time...But my family and my husband (and his family) put it all "out there." And even made it fun...We had a chance to get to know each other really "well."...My Mom used to tell the "story" of the navy man she started dating for awhile when my Dad was in the army. (And off "fighting" the war.)...Things had become a little "iffy" between my Mom and Dad for awhile so my Mom started dating someone else...When my Dad came back home he "declared" his love for my Mom and asked her to marry him. And he sent the navy guy a telegram that (basically) said: "Sorry Charlie! She's mine! Not yours!"...My Mom was happy because she always loved my Dad the "best!"...Both my parents (and other relatives) told me all kinds of "tales" from their past. And I loved it!
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Old 06-11-2013, 09:54 AM
 
2,890 posts, read 5,387,335 times
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People from our past made us into who we are now. They live on in our thoughts and memories.

Continue to talk about them. Keep your references in context of the current discussion so that it adds to the conversation, not distract from it.
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