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Old 06-26-2013, 09:05 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,176,988 times
Reputation: 3514

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lilyflower...Thanks for taking the time to write. I'm glad you have supportive people in your life. Sorry about your loss...You sound very "healthy!" Sounds like you know yourself really well...This is the first time I've really started to understand where I'm "at" today. And I'm at "ground zero" since I lost my whole family...It may take awhile to work through my grief and rebuild my life.
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Old 06-26-2013, 11:07 PM
 
Location: WA
604 posts, read 528,085 times
Reputation: 2050
CA and others,

Thank you for this Thread and your Posts. DH went to Heaven February, 2012; my first
year was I kept myself very busy, socializing. Now reality, I am starting all over again. A
counselor did say it was like being born anew, my husband was my other half and there's
a gap where he was.

There are friends and acquaintances, I talk to few people, each of you understands, so
express myself here. Making choices, deciding about friendships, if what I feel is
unkind or for what I am needed for, think twice. Prefer my own company !

When I told the director of the cremation society about a spouse or child being the most
difficult, he informed me, in his 38 years of working with the bereaved, every person no
matter who died, grieves.

Am sorry for your passing of your loved one/ones. One day at a time.
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:13 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,155,050 times
Reputation: 18819
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
I'm still doing "day by day."...It's a big deal and big accomplishment to make it through each day. (Somehow, some way!)...I have one friend who understands grief and "day by day."...But I think some of my other friends expect "more" from me now. They don't seem to understand how hard it for me to "think ahead" right now...How about you? Do your friends "get" why you are still trying to make it through each day?
Nnnope.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
In my grief support group, my counselor told all of us that grief is a highly individual journey. How fast we heal depends on personality, coping skills, faith, and many other factors. There is no "normal" timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or month, for others, it might take years.

I don't think most people really understand this simple concept that there is no normal timetable for grieving. Unless they are "there", they are not going to understand what we are going through.

I lost my loved one a little over four years ago. "Triggers" are still all over the places. I can honestly say that I am getting a lot better, but I don't think I will ever be completely healed.

Friends and family expect me to "get over" it and honestly speaking, I know they mean well. My parents and my brothers have been very supportive, I have a lot of friends I can count on. I can not ask for better siblings, parents and friends. But there are still very insensitive people out there. I try to ignore them and I try to take care of myself.

One day at a time, one second at a time even. I know in my first year of this grief journey, nothing I did really helped. But now, things are getting better and better.

I am not a people pleaser, so if somebody are not taking my feelings into consideration, I have no problems cutting them loose.
Exactly, lily. We didn't "get it" before we were here either. I'm being surprised the past couple of days how easily I still cry when talking to people. That's one reason I prefer my own company.
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Old 06-27-2013, 05:43 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,176,988 times
Reputation: 3514
Tami...I agree with what you wrote.. I don't think I fully understood grief until I lost everyone. (All in a row.)...I experienced a few deaths earlier in life. But no one in my family took time out to mourn for long...We were suppose to keep "moving-on."...I was a teenager when my Grandma passed-away. My Mom "shut-down" in a lot of ways. And my parents had more "fights." Of course this affected me too...Nobody connected the "dots" back then. (Or understood the effects of grief.)
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Old 06-27-2013, 05:58 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,176,988 times
Reputation: 3514
sera...Thanks for your caring post. Sorry you lost your DH...I agree with you. It takes time to "reinvent" ourselves and come into our "own" (again) after losing a spouse...One of my friends lost her husband a few months ago and she insists she's "fine.".. It's becoming harder and harder to talk to her because she keeps a "tight lid" on our conversations. We have to "stick" to "surface talk" and "chit-chat." She rarely ever brings-up her husband. And I miss him too. He's definitely "dead and buried" and part of the past. (Even though he's only been dead for a few months.)
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Old 06-27-2013, 08:30 AM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
15,595 posts, read 9,664,364 times
Reputation: 34399
There is no timetable for when grieving should end, every person and every situation is different. If I lost one of my Sons I don't think I would ever stop hurting.

Here is something that might help slightly. One time I went to a funeral service with my ex GF, a good friend of hers had passed. It was the strangest funeral I have ever been to because I am used to funerals being very sad events full of crying and pain. This one was a joyful event complete with music and lots of uplifting testimony from family and friends.

The Preacher said something I will never forget, he said "Some people might find it odd that we are happy at this memorial service, but we are happy for Doris because she has gone home to a better place, but we are sad for ourselves because we no longer have her here with us on earth, but we will see her again one day."

I left that service with a slightly different feeling about life and death. We are all on this earth for a very short time, some shorter than others, and if we leave behind people who love and care for us we have lived a good life. I hope anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one or friend finds some peace in their life. The reality is, the person we are grieving over has no more pain, no more worries.............it is just our own pain we have to deal with.

Don
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Old 06-27-2013, 11:15 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,155,050 times
Reputation: 18819
I agree, Don. I know full well it is for myself that I grieve. It is MY pain and loss that hurts so badly. Earl is fine and dandy. He is truly free. It's me that I hurt so badly for.
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Old 06-27-2013, 11:54 AM
 
Location: mainland but born oahu
6,657 posts, read 6,163,464 times
Reputation: 3121
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
In my grief support group, my counselor told all of us that grief is a highly individual journey. How fast we heal depends on personality, coping skills, faith, and many other factors. There is no "normal" timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or month, for others, it might take years.

I don't think most people really understand this simple concept that there is no normal timetable for grieving. Unless they are "there", they are not going to understand what we are going through.

I lost my loved one a little over four years ago. "Triggers" are still all over the places. I can honestly say that I am getting a lot better, but I don't think I will ever be completely healed.

Friends and family expect me to "get over" it and honestly speaking, I know they mean well. My parents and my brothers have been very supportive, I have a lot of friends I can count on. I can not ask for better siblings, parents and friends. But there are still very insensitive people out there. I try to ignore them and I try to take care of myself.

One day at a time, one second at a time even. I know in my first year of this grief journey, nothing I did really helped. But now, things are getting better and better.

I am not a people pleaser, so if somebody are not taking my feelings into consideration, I have no problems cutting them loose.
I cannot agree more, and what you do with grief and loss also determines how things are going to be, I can relate to some posters, after getting help when i lost my fiance and unborn child to a car accident(long time age), and yeah it kicked my butt . Many years later i am amazed at how a small thing can trigger a memory etc. Just a mth ago i went shopping and a young lady walked by and was wearing perfume my loved one used to wear, it broadsided me, and once again i felt the grief and loss. AFTER 20 Years!!!!!!!!! all i could do was feel it, let it flow and then move on and not dwell on it.

I know this sounds cheesy but there is a bright side to loss and grief.. Without grief and loss how could we measure love, happiness etc? And in another thread i mentioned those who walk beside us are our loved ones who moved on. When your quiet, calm inside u can feel them there when your ready(Native American).

One day at a time, one moment at a time.is sometimes all we can do. I am also reminded how hard it is on ohana and friends left behind, its hard to grieve for someone who is grieving. As a loved one you want to take the pain away or never see the ones u love suffer. so after yrs of grieving for us its draining and the pov words "its time to get over it" comes out.

Dont give up liliy and others good luck. its not the destination that is important but the journey.
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Old 06-28-2013, 11:24 PM
 
8,440 posts, read 10,719,369 times
Reputation: 6201
Quote:
Originally Posted by don1945 View Post
There is no timetable for when grieving should end, every person and every situation is different. If I lost one of my Sons I don't think I would ever stop hurting.

Here is something that might help slightly. One time I went to a funeral service with my ex GF, a good friend of hers had passed. It was the strangest funeral I have ever been to because I am used to funerals being very sad events full of crying and pain. This one was a joyful event complete with music and lots of uplifting testimony from family and friends.

The Preacher said something I will never forget, he said "Some people might find it odd that we are happy at this memorial service, but we are happy for Doris because she has gone home to a better place, but we are sad for ourselves because we no longer have her here with us on earth, but we will see her again one day."

I left that service with a slightly different feeling about life and death. We are all on this earth for a very short time, some shorter than others, and if we leave behind people who love and care for us we have lived a good life. I hope anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one or friend finds some peace in their life. The reality is, the person we are grieving over has no more pain, no more worries.............it is just our own pain we have to deal with.

Don
It's nice to see a post from you again, Don.

I agree in many situations those we have lost are relieved to be out of their pain and struggles. I also believe there are other circumstances that create different types of difficulties for survivors so that grieving can't be as straight forward as some would like.

The one thing I know for sure is no two relationships are the same. Consequently, anyone losing someone significant in his/her life will have different grief issues to address. Losing a son and a daughter bring up some similar issues but many that are different.

Grief is absolutely a personal thing that each person moves through at his/her own pace given all the factors.

My sincere thanks to all who have posted. Like all of you, I'm struggling with the loss of someone close to me as well as the circumstances.

Those who have experienced the loss of one or more loved ones, tend to understand more easily. Some simply do not know what to say, despite truly wanting to help, and say the wrong thing.

For some who may think they know what I need and are pushy about it, I make a question out of their statement. I'll respond with something like, "That's one approach of how some people deal with loss, what makes you think it would help me?"

Looking forward to future posts of those also getting through one day at a time.

MSR

Last edited by Mtn. States Resident; 06-28-2013 at 11:37 PM..
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Old 06-29-2013, 02:45 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,155,050 times
Reputation: 18819
sera, Earl passed January, 2012. These past 17 months have been pretty much a blur. The first 5 months were hell until our Lord stepped in for me. Then with the foreclosure on my house, my puppy boy, Mickey dying, it has not been a good time in my life. I still see that I am Blessed though, I had another house I could come back to, I rescued my Chopper, a wonderful cat.

I still don't like to socialize. I have nada to talk about except on the different forums here! It's just me and my animals.

An old bf that I dumped back in the 70's recently contacted me through FB and wants to get together for a drink or coffee. I responded back with a heartfelt apology for dumping him that I've thought about for 40 years but declined meeting up with him. 1) I can't picture the "old" him from his new looks, 2) even though I can't see what attracted me to him in the first place, I know full well we'd end up in bed and I don't want that! He'd be familiar so I wouldn't feel bad about hopping into the sack with him....we've already been there, so I don't want to end up there again anymore. I miss everything about having a relationship, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather go without than just have a romp. This assuming he could still "get it on".

Oh, silly me, I DO have a big mouth! Sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable with talking about my life.
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