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Old 06-26-2013, 05:41 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
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I'm still doing "day by day."...It's a big deal and big accomplishment to make it through each day. (Somehow, some way!)...I have one friend who understands grief and "day by day."...But I think some of my other friends expect "more" from me now. They don't seem to understand how hard it for me to "think ahead" right now...How about you? Do your friends "get" why you are still trying to make it through each day?
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Old 06-26-2013, 06:05 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,253,264 times
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Hi CArizona!

I am wondering what types of things your friends are doing to pressure you and if they are otherwise fairly sensitive people . . . or if they are simply clueless . . .
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Old 06-26-2013, 06:20 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
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anifani...Thanks for posting. Well I'm starting to notice some differences now. (In general.)...Maybe everyone thinks I should be excited about moving on and starting a brand new life now...But I'm not quite "there" yet...I lost my entire family and my former way of life so I need to go through some adjustments.
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Old 06-26-2013, 06:42 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,253,264 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
anifani...Thanks for posting. Well I'm starting to notice some differences now. (In general.)...Maybe everyone thinks I should be excited about moving on and starting a brand new life now...But I'm not quite "there" yet...I lost my entire family and my former way of life so I need to go through some adjustments.
You sure do need time!

So folks are getting a little . . . pushy? or "insistent" about how you should be conducting your life? Spending your time? Interacting with others?

Are they making gentle statements about "getting out more," and that sort of thing? Or flat out asking you - "well what's next? have you decided if you are staying here in this house?"

I can't help but wonder how many of these folks feel it is their duty to "help" and how many are just being insensitive. After all, just b/c another woman (or man, for that matter) may have lost his/her spouse, that is not even close to the losses you have experienced and are still processing.

How do you answer them? Have you said something like "I am still processing these things. This can't be rushed." or do you just politely listen, not wanting to come across as unappreciative for their concern?

I just know how I would be . . . I would need to "hole up" possibly for years. There is no formula; everyone is different. But sometimes the concern can start feeling like PRESSURE.

I also think that folks can be SAYING they are concerned about you moving on with your life, concerned about your mental state, whatever . . . but in reality, they simply don't want to be reminded of your losses as that means they have to analyze their own mortality (and that of their loved ones).
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Old 06-26-2013, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
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anifani...Thanks for the interest and support..My one friend experienced a lot of deaths in her family too and other losses...I enjoy being with her the best because she can relate to what I'm going through...My other friends didn't take much time out to process their grief after they lost loved ones...One of my friends lost her husband a few months ago and she "stays busy" all the time and takes on new projects...My friends can be "pushy" in a so-called friendly/caring way...I know they "mean well." But there are "wide gaps" between us now...I try to explain how I feel and where I'm "at" but I know they probably view me as a "dead-beat" or ??...I agree with what you wrote. Thanks for understanding!
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:51 PM
 
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CArizona,

I am proud of you to acknowledge your feelings and to identify them and set boundaries. I sometimes too try to push myself and it is so wrong for me finding out I am not ready and it actually disturbs me when I do things I am not ready for. You are where you are, that is all it can be for now, we are here to support you in anyway we know how. Love you!!!
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:58 PM
 
Location: State of Being
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This has to be so difficult . . . maybe "frustrating" is the word? You want your friends to understand, yet how can they, really . . . and you make allowances for them b/c you know they cannot really and truly understand your loss.

It would seem to me that I would feel exhausted with trying to do my own grief work and then having to justify the process (and your need to take your time) to others. I am so glad that you have one friend who has been though many losses and so has a better grasp on what you are dealing with right now.

I know I don't post a lot here, but I think about you often and I have tried to imagine what it would be like to be where you are emotionally. I was thinking recently about how "raw" the death of your son must certainly still feel (if that makes sense). I was thinking about this when you wrote it was his birthday.

I was trying to envision how I would be dealing with that loss. I withdraw and need time to mull things over (and to experience all the ups and downs at my own pace). I don't like to have to feel pressured to explain or defend or justify. I tend to avoid people rather than be put in the position of having to pretend I am okay (but we do that! We don't want to "let others down" - they are worried about us and expect us to start feeling better. So we end up "protecting" THEIR feelings). Or, at least, I certainly have found myself in that position.

Do some of these friends make you feel you should be "doing something" every day - working, volunteering, taking trips, renovating the house . . . ???? I am just trying to get a grip on what it is they think they need to see you doing that will reassure them that you are "okay."
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Old 06-26-2013, 08:09 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,389 posts, read 18,427,441 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
I'm still doing "day by day."...It's a big deal and big accomplishment to make it through each day. (Somehow, some way!)...I have one friend who understands grief and "day by day."...But I think some of my other friends expect "more" from me now. They don't seem to understand how hard it for me to "think ahead" right now...How about you? Do your friends "get" why you are still trying to make it through each day?
In my grief support group, my counselor told all of us that grief is a highly individual journey. How fast we heal depends on personality, coping skills, faith, and many other factors. There is no "normal" timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or month, for others, it might take years.

I don't think most people really understand this simple concept that there is no normal timetable for grieving. Unless they are "there", they are not going to understand what we are going through.

I lost my loved one a little over four years ago. "Triggers" are still all over the places. I can honestly say that I am getting a lot better, but I don't think I will ever be completely healed.

Friends and family expect me to "get over" it and honestly speaking, I know they mean well. My parents and my brothers have been very supportive, I have a lot of friends I can count on. I can not ask for better siblings, parents and friends. But there are still very insensitive people out there. I try to ignore them and I try to take care of myself.

One day at a time, one second at a time even. I know in my first year of this grief journey, nothing I did really helped. But now, things are getting better and better.

I am not a people pleaser, so if somebody are not taking my feelings into consideration, I have no problems cutting them loose.
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Old 06-26-2013, 08:24 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
smilin...Thanks for writing. How are you doing? I'm sorry your Dad passed-away. Know it's the anniversary of your husband's death...I think about you a lot. And send you hugs...Anyway, good that you're not pushing yourself as much. You've been through a lot. Please take good care of yourself.
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Old 06-26-2013, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
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anifani...Thanks for caring about me!...I'm "alone" most of the time except for my cats. Don't see or talk to friends all the time...So I'm out of the "flow" except for my one local friend who feels her grief...When some of my other friends call me I feel like an "alien" at times...They live in one world and I live in another world today...I feel like a tornado or hurricane came through and "destroyed" my entire life!.. I'm at "ground zero" right now... My friends consider themselves "smart" because they are never "idle.".. They definitely follow the "work ethic" and "stay busy!"...I don't sit around all day long but I do "allow" time to "feel" and grieve and just "think!".. How can I "heal" or figure out "who I want to be" (next) if I never give myself time to "think" or "feel?"...Thanks for caring about me and my son too! I'm sorry you lost your best-best friend!
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