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Old 07-04-2013, 08:20 AM
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,389 posts, read 18,427,441 times
Reputation: 12143


My boyfriend committed suicide a little over four years ago. At the very beginning, several of my best friends have promised me that they would always be there for me.

Well, they disappeared after two ten minutes phone calls. I admit that at the very beginning of my grief journey, I was not a very "pleasant" (for lack of a better word) person. I screamed, cried, yelled, throwing myself self pity party, asked questions why why why. well, I was in shock. I understand not many people can handle this level of sadness. But these two are my best friends growing up, I've listening to them complaining about their boyfriends, they didn't even bother to give me some kind of comforts when I went through life crisis?

Today is July 4th holiday and one of these friends called me and asked if I wanted to hang out. Although we are still friends, I guess I still have some residual anger and unresolved issues towards her and the holiday just brings back so many bad memories..

If anything positive came out of grief, I have to say that I become a more compassionate person. I used to judge people by the way they behave, the things they say. But now, I am able to put myself in other people's shoes and try to be a little bit understanding towards people in general. We never know what happened in that person's life to make him or her that way.

My friend on the other hand still complain about her boyfriend. Sometimes, I just want to say, "At least you still have somebody alive to argue with."

I know my post is all over the places, I don't even know what point I am trying to make. I guess I just feel a little bit resentful because obviously, when I needed help and comfort the most, my best friends were not there for me.

"You need to get over it, it has been two days." That is what she said to me
"What do you need me to do, you are not the only one who has problems" That is what she said to me.

I guess she now believes that since I "got over" my lost loved one, we can be friends again. It is not that easy.
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Old 07-04-2013, 09:16 AM
4,750 posts, read 3,315,773 times
Reputation: 4919
The fact that your friends didn't come over, bring some food, and cry in the bed with you for a few days is upsetting. I would do that for my friends and vice versa. Heck, they've even gone to therapy with me just for moral support.

I think you should get some new friends. Losing a boyfriend (whether or not you were in love) is a tragic incident, especially to suicide. Everyone changes their friends at certain milestones in their life. Those are usually: After high school graduation, after college graduation, after marriage, and after baby. I'm not sure how old you are, but I think you're in your 20s. It's probably time for a change. Good luck and keep your head up!
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Old 07-04-2013, 10:40 AM
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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lilyflower...I'm sorry you lost your boyfriend. And sorry for the way your friends have treated you...I've been going through some of the same things with my friends...Some people are "sensitive" and compassionate and can really "feel" for others. You mentioned that losing your boyfriend changed you and you've become more compassionate since his death...I have friends who've gone through "losses" and "set-backs" but they never let themselves feel very "deeply." They kept everything at more of a "surface level" so they wouldn't have to deal with pain or heartache or "gut-wrenching emotions."...These friends don't want to be around me when I talk openly about my feelings or my grief. And they use tactics to try to "silence me" or "talk" me "out" of my feelings...I know I need to "feel" and grieve right now in order to "heal." So I try to spend time with "feeling friends." (Versus friends who try to "bury" or "side-step" their feelings. And everyone else's feelings too.)
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Old 07-04-2013, 11:14 AM
Location: WA
604 posts, read 527,929 times
Reputation: 2050
lilyflower, I too am sorry for your loss. Came to City-Data when my husband of 41 plus years went home to Heaven. Bless I am to have City-Data, believe even before this Thread. Most comforting, understanding folk.

Regarding age, it doesn't matter how old, young you are regarding "friends". Most people,
I have learned, for me, want to talk about themselves, what is important at the moment, the events that are happening in their lives.

When I have had enough listening, find silence golden !

By the by, went I went to a Hospice Group shortly after DH transitioned to Heaven, I
was nicknamed Gracie, as I tended to talk about this, then that. Bunny trails? No one
could keep up with me ! It brought laughter to everyone, was pleased though sorta hurt.
(Gracie Allen of Burns and Allen-comedy team)
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Old 07-06-2013, 07:10 PM
Location: Tampa bay
1,014 posts, read 1,249,884 times
Reputation: 1369
yes I feel abandoned I think people do not want to associate with death or do not know how to deal with it. It is not talked about much is it?

We should we really should talk about death more and console the mourning people more than we do. Years a go we catered to the mourning why has that changed?
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Old 07-06-2013, 07:44 PM
8 posts, read 15,093 times
Reputation: 22
This is sad but seems to be the norm. On one hand I been on the other side of a very depressed angry person and after awhile I could take it anymore. The anger and hate even though understandable just scared me.
Yet I been alone when I needed people. People have bailed on me too many times to count.
I been a very good friend to the few people I known in life. I think I do more and go beyond what most would do.
Yet no one seems to ever do that for me. Too old. Don't care anymore.
I am deeply sorry about your loss. I couldn't imagine how awful that was and how disappointing.
Friends should cry with you, be there...yet people often aren't.
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Old 07-06-2013, 07:46 PM
8 posts, read 15,093 times
Reputation: 22
Hate to think of death. I get actual medical attending panic attacks when I think of it too much. Usually being alone in the world. The thought terrifies me.
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Old 07-06-2013, 11:16 PM
Location: mainland but born oahu
6,657 posts, read 6,160,286 times
Reputation: 3121
Lily, i am so sorry that you ran into such people, u deserve better. When i lost my pregnant soon to be wife in a car accident, the grief was unbearable. Now that i look back i think it was also unbearable for my love ones and good friends. Not because they had to be there for me or help me, but i think it was unbearable for them because ppl who truely love you never want to see a love one in pain or grieving, but most of the time they know they were really powerless in stopping the pain and grieving i was experiencing.

I know my family and friends shared my loss, for me and for themselves because they knew her. Its really hard and wears a person out to greive for a long period of time. There was times when my family said they were exaustted and needed a break. But were back after a few days to give support. Lily some ppl just can't handle feeling powerless and some are just selfish.
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Old 07-07-2013, 02:42 PM
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,089 posts, read 6,629,446 times
Reputation: 7136
Lily, I'm sorry your friends have not been there for you. Perhaps some of this is because many people just don't know what to say when someone dies. It embarrasses them or makes them uptight. And death is unpleasant for some because it reminds them of their own mortality.

When I told people at work last year that my mom had passed, some of these people didn't even have grace to say, "I'm sorry." You'd think adults could at least be able to say those two simple words. The people on this Board are far more compassionate and understanding than anyone I know in my real life when it comes to grief and grieving. Probably because we all are here because we loved someone whom we have lost.
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Old 07-07-2013, 04:09 PM
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Originally Posted by PittsburghNative View Post
Hate to think of death. I get actual medical attending panic attacks when I think of it too much. Usually being alone in the world. The thought terrifies me.
I don't like to think of my own death either but it's inevitable and reality so I don't get myself all shook up.

Being alone in the world is no picnic but I can think of many other different things that would be worse. You eventually get used to it and just live day to day.
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