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Old 07-09-2013, 10:14 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
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I'm just curious...I know some people have an easier time "moving-on" after the loss of their spouse. (Or other loved ones.)...I wonder what factors might be involved...Does age play a role? Or having a big support network?...Maybe grief counseling helps people "move-on." (Eventually.)...I'm curious to hear what others have to say about this topic. Thanks.
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Old 07-09-2013, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
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I've always been independent and I've had tons of interests of my own. (Even though I was married and a mother.)...But right now I don't have a whole lot of ambition. I do "what's needed" but I don't feel like "striking out" in big ways on my own...The desire just isn't there. (Not yet anyway.)...I wouldn't say that I'm horribly depressed to the point that I can't function. (At all.)...But I just don't feel like "rushing" to "be done" with my grief so I can get involved in all kinds of projects and create new "milestones" in my life...And the truth is that I did a lot in the past. (Changed careers, started businesses, put myself through college several times, etc.)...I feel okay taking my time to work through my grief. And don't think it's "bad" that I'm moving at a slow pace. How do you feel? Thanks for listening.
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Old 07-09-2013, 11:33 AM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,210 times
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Hi CA! That's a good question and I'm sure there will be varied responses, because life is so different for many people. For me, my strong faith and trust in God has helped me move on. At first I thought my life was over after Jim died; never thought I could want or find happiness. But after I went to that office Christmas party last year, and had such a good time, it made me realize that I had a lot of life and love still inside of me. I didn't know how, but I knew then that I wanted more out of life than to sit home and pine away for what I had in the past.

The love and support I found on this website helped me tremendously. It helped for me to know that I was not going thru this all alone, and that what I was feeling about my loss was totally normal. I could feel myself starting to heal and being able to reach out to others; I think that helped me so much.

Reconnecting with my sister was a huge step for me. I took a chance on calling her that fateful day, and now we share a special, close relationship. I want to move near her so that we can be there for each other for the rest of our lives. Funny how life has a way of coming full circle, so to speak.....we grew up together and now we are going to be together in our golden years. It is a beautiful, wonderful thing. I feel very fortunate.

Having this new person in my life is a gift from God. He is a strong Christian as well, a widower, and we both appreciate each other simply for who we are. I don't know where the relationship will lead, but for now we are enjoying getting to know each other. And it is fun and exciting and hopeful!! God has a way of laying out our future and planning each little step.

I realize how blessed I am in my life. And I am thankful for all I have and hope that I can continue to encourage others. I say never to give up hope. Always listen to your heart. Do what is best for you, because you are #1 in your life and have to do what is pleasing to you. Trust in God to lead you forward and always be there for you.

Blessings,
tngirl
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Old 07-09-2013, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
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tngrl...Thanks for your thoughtful and upbeat post. I'm glad that you and your sister are reunited now...And happy that you met the widower and have fun together and share the same values...I probably tend to be a "slow mover" in general. It took me 2 years to let myself fall in love with my husband.. I'm sure glad he felt I was worth the "wait!" Otherwise I would have missed out on 30 happy years with him!...My grief-work over losing my husband was put on "hold" since my son started developing cancerous brain tumors about 6 months after my husband died. And I went through nearly 2 years of "ups" and "downs" and trauma because my son kept developing more tumors. (Despite having 2 surgeries and chemo and radiation, etc.) So it's probably going to take longer for me.
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Old 07-09-2013, 01:42 PM
 
Location: WA
604 posts, read 527,784 times
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Thank you CArizona and tngirl for sharing.

The two shall become one; it was explained to me recently, that I have an open gape where my husband was, half of me is missing. Now I must heal from my half that is now
in Heaven.

God is good, as tngirl says, this board is helping me to heal. We seem to understand as one those who have had this experience can. As one Thread said "One Day at a Time."

A comfort too, was one person said after 5 years, she was beginning again. There is so much inside me I wish to convey though cannot come forth right now.

CArizona, you have had two major losses, three ? Cannot fathom. Please continue to Post, share. Each of you help me so much.

Again, thank you.
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Old 07-09-2013, 02:22 PM
 
Location: "Daytonnati"
4,245 posts, read 5,748,743 times
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Quote:
The two shall become one; it was explained to me recently, that I have an open gape where my husband was, half of me is missing. Now I must heal from my half that is now
in Heaven.
this is a very good way of putting it. Half of me is missing...the big hole in my life....

How to fill it? I guess I sort of reverted to the past. I notice I returned to doing things I did 25 years ago or even earlier, fell into this, as a way of sort of moving beyond....

My support network was very limited...just my family. Oddly enough two people who were just aquiantances became more friends, became sort of a part of a "new life", or "life after my partner"..... while one person who was a closer friend (more of my partner) has faded away.....
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Old 07-09-2013, 03:36 PM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,637,003 times
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Tngrl,
I am so happy for you. YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!!! Wow, there are so many blessings that come into our life, that is for sure. I hope you continue to keep in touch with us on your life going forward.

CArizona, I love what you write. I admire your ability to acknowledge your feelings and live life based on your feelings and thoughts and not as of others.

As you both have heard our community suffered a very grave loss, 19 HOTSHOT fire fighters lost their lives in the Yarnell fire. Today was the Memorial. I cried all through the Memorial and I have empathy for the widows and girlfriends of these courageous men who died in the line of duty to save others. So many children without their fathers and so many women without their husbands, my heart weeps.
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Old 07-09-2013, 04:03 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,210 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smilinpretty View Post
Tngrl,
I am so happy for you. YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!!! Wow, there are so many blessings that come into our life, that is for sure. I hope you continue to keep in touch with us on your life going forward.

CArizona, I love what you write. I admire your ability to acknowledge your feelings and live life based on your feelings and thoughts and not as of others.

As you both have heard our community suffered a very grave loss, 19 HOTSHOT fire fighters lost their lives in the Yarnell fire. Today was the Memorial. I cried all through the Memorial and I have empathy for the widows and girlfriends of these courageous men who died in the line of duty to save others. So many children without their fathers and so many women without their husbands, my heart weeps.

Hi smilin.....if you may remember, I used to live in Prescott. Several years ago there was a fire that threatened to encroach into town....that same hotshot crew worked and saved the town. My heart goes out to all the families. They were true heroes.
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Old 07-10-2013, 02:04 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smilinpretty View Post
Tngrl,
I am so happy for you. YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!!! Wow, there are so many blessings that come into our life, that is for sure. I hope you continue to keep in touch with us on your life going forward.

CArizona, I love what you write. I admire your ability to acknowledge your feelings and live life based on your feelings and thoughts and not as of others.

As you both have heard our community suffered a very grave loss, 19 HOTSHOT fire fighters lost their lives in the Yarnell fire. Today was the Memorial. I cried all through the Memorial and I have empathy for the widows and girlfriends of these courageous men who died in the line of duty to save others. So many children without their fathers and so many women without their husbands, my heart weeps.
I watched the memorial on KVOA in Tucson. It was amazing. I loved what Joe Biden said, "All men are created equal, but then some become firefighters". The firefighters absolutely loved that! It was really a beautiful memorial, and the girl who sang "America the Beautiful" had such a wonderous voice. Melodic and sweet. It was tearful, but uplifting.

One of the firefighters was 25 and had just bought a mobile home in Avra Valley. His wife is due with their first child in December. They had gutted the home to do a complete remodel, and his tools were still where he left them when he got the call to respond to the fire. Now, all the firefighters and people in and around the community are going to work together to rebuild the house for the wife and the new baby. Amazing community!

Another firefighter left a young widow with four small children.

When I hear these stories, I feel so grateful I had so many years with Bob and was able to raise four children to adulthood with him.

I am finally feeling like I'm moving forward. My son found an apartment nearby and has moved in to it. I'm paying for everything but food and internet. So, for about two weeks now, I've been alone, and honestly, it's been so helpful. I was afraid to express my emotions in front of Andrew, so I kept them bottled up for the past 3 1/2 years. My first night alone, I had a glass of wine (or two, or three, actually the whole bottle ) and all my emotions came pouring out. I cried and cried...for missing Andrew in his new place, for being alone, for losing Bob, for having to stuff my feelings and grief down instead of going through them, and it was so cathartic.

I muddle through, one day at a time. I go to my committee meetings once a month, write the community newsletter and am the PR person for the HOA, so I'm busy with notices, announcements and managing our HOA's FB page. My son is on his own, and I'm actually enjoying being alone. I immediately made Andrew's bedroom my sewing room/guest room. I bought a futon and set up all my sewing stuff that had been crowded in my office. Now my office is open and airy, and having a sewing room makes me want to sew more. I've just been completely rearranging the house (condo, actually), and having a blast. I'm finally free to do what I want, when I want. It's liberating. I made 5 sets of potholders to sell at our HOA's craft fair, and I'm now working on appliance cozies and placemat/napkin sets. I still also sew for the grandgirls. I'm keeping busy, enjoying myself and taking it one day at a time...no interest in romance, though. Totally uninterested.

Everyone moves through their healing in different speeds. I'm slow and deliberate. A friend of mine was quick and had remarried by the one year anniversary. We're all different, and we all heal differently. If you're comfortable with the pace of your healing, and your life, that's all you can ask for. Don't worry if you don't "fit a mold". It really doesn't matter. What matters is you. If you're good with the way life is moving, then that's all that's important. Embrace peace.
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Old 07-10-2013, 06:38 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
I waited so long to find the "love of my life!" I never thought it would "happen!"...After my earlier divorce I was alone for 12 years (with my sons) and never expected to get married again...Then I met my "honey-bunny" and we eventually fell in love. And had 30 happy years together! It felt like a "miracle" to me!...Right now I just want to stay "bonded" to my husband and join him when it's my time to "go."...I know (or hope) that my grief will subside over time. And I'll be able to "move-on" a little more...But this may not include dating. And I feel okay about it.
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