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Old 07-18-2013, 10:33 AM
 
142 posts, read 437,801 times
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My mother has Alzheimers and a heart condition. She is expected to pass away any day now. My dad is not well either. I have anxiety and panic attacks about losing them. I know I will feel even worse once they are gone. I know I will feel like an orphan with no one to love me. I am already alone - I am 38 years old, single, no children, few friends, and 2 brothers who I am very distant from.

How do I get passed these feelings? Any advice on how others here were able to get through grief? Please don't tell me your experiences of watching your parent die (that will only make me more anxious); just what you did to move on and get passed your anxiety and grief. I wish someone could make these feelings go away.
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Northern Illinois
2,189 posts, read 3,408,554 times
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First, I'm really sorry that you're going through this alone. When I lost my mother in 1998 after several years of illness, surgeries, and then finally cancer....my immediate focus became my Dad. He and Mom had been married almost 53 years and he was absolutely devastated when she died. I immediately went into comfort mode for him - and I was also working full time then too. I cooked, cleaned, visited, did laundry, errands and absolutely anything he needed that he wasn't up to doing. It took my mind off my grief over Mom but I still needed time and space to accept that she was gone. You understand that death is part of life and there is nothing to fear, really. Your mother is sick and dying, and your father's health is failing. Perhaps you could find a support group in your area - and talk about your feelings. It will relieve some stress and help you to formulate a "plan" that you can start to organize your actions and thoughts toward the idea of them not being there with you. 38 is not old - you can certainly find things to occupy your life when the time comes and you feel ready to move past the grief and despair of death. It will be hard - I won't lie to you. But, if you try to come to terms with the idea while you still have them and think about the way you visualize your life you will know when and where to start. Maybe now might be a time to try and connect with those brothers - they will be your only living relatives and it seems a shame to not have their support and love at a time like this. Get together and act like adults, if there are problems between you see if they can be resolved and you can all move toward a better relationship with each other. Life is short and it is also what you make of it. You alone can choose to remain alone and miserable or embrace the life your dear parents gave you, and just learn to be happy and LIVE. I remained single until after both my parents were gone - and I married at age 51. I have no children, but I do have a man who loves me and whom I adore. I never gave up, but I did put it on the back burner until I did for them what I needed to do, with no distractions and no regrets. I miss them both terribly, but I am happy now, and I know they would be proud of how I am doing without them here. So, please try and rationalize your fears, and put them aside. They have lived good lives and it is now their time to "go home"...they are sick, and tired, and they deserve peace. Cultivate some new friends somehow, get involved in yourself and your life, and with the passage of some time, you will be OK. Good luck.
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Old 07-18-2013, 03:43 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
18,847 posts, read 12,465,112 times
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I don't think you can expect to get "past" your grief in a particular time. You will have to experience it, unfortunately. I'd join a grief support group. Start finding one now. You might try Googling grief groups + your area to see what you find.

It sounds as if you feel alone in this, and I think a group would help you understand your feelings and help you deal with those and give you support as you move forward.

For feelings of anxiety, particularly if those feelings scare you or immobilize you, ask your doc for a sort term prescription of an anti anxiety drug. But don't use it as a crutch. Use it when you know you will be feeling the most out of control.

Good luck to you.
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Old 07-18-2013, 06:01 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,385 posts, read 18,420,530 times
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I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I wish I have some wise words to share, but I know I don't.
Do you have somebody to talk to? I know when I feel anxious, nervous, I want to be with somebody who cares about me. I also keep myself very busy, so I don't have to focus on or concentrate on what is troubling me.

Do you have a support group around you? Can you talk to somebody? Your feeling needs to be validated in order to heal, to move on..

I just want to give you a big hug right now. Please take care of yourself.

Good luck.
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Old 07-20-2013, 01:00 PM
 
662 posts, read 739,706 times
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This is where being religious play's a important part in your life. mod cut I am a only child & lost my dad at age 37 then my mother at 39. Even as a believer it was so hard simply because I missed them so for we were very close. Yet I'm comforted knowing the day will come when I can have them back, but next time for all eternity. There are different stages of grief & when you love someone unfortunately you have to go thru them all, but the time will come when you can think about your deceased parents without bursting into tears. The love you have for them will never die, it remains deep in your heart & you will carry it to your grave, but the pain you will feel will diminish over time.

Last edited by Sam I Am; 07-21-2013 at 01:06 AM.. Reason: this is not the Religion forum, let's stick to Grief only
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Old 07-20-2013, 01:27 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,139,040 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SassySpice View Post
This is where being religious play's a important part in your life. mod cut I am a only child & lost my dad at age 37 then my mother at 39. Even as a believer it was so hard simply because I missed them so for we were very close. Yet I'm comforted knowing the day will come when I can have them back, but next time for all eternity. There are different stages of grief & when you love someone unfortunately you have to go thru them all, but the time will come when you can think about your deceased parents without bursting into tears. The love you have for them will never die, it remains deep in your heart & you will carry it to your grave, but the pain you will feel will diminish over time.
Perfectly said, Sassy.

Last edited by Sam I Am; 07-21-2013 at 01:06 AM..
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Old 07-20-2013, 07:39 PM
 
3,971 posts, read 11,433,493 times
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I will take another view. My mother died last year, after 10 years of suffering through a stroke, then breast cancer, then lung cancer. It was her time to go. Yes, very sad, but also the right thing to happen after her suffering. She was not religious, but I think God looks after all good people, which she was.
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Old 07-20-2013, 08:02 PM
Status: "be kind." (set 23 days ago)
 
2,677 posts, read 3,880,201 times
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For those of us that are lucky to have wonderful parents it is devastating to lose one. My mom died 4 years ago and I still can't believe she is really gone.

Your mom and dad want you to be happy and want you to go on with your life. You need to find something that you love to do. Can you reconnect with your brothers? I agree with others that a support group might help. You need to work through your feelings.

Good luck lovebug. You can do it.
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Old 07-21-2013, 11:58 AM
 
Location: California
454 posts, read 565,927 times
Reputation: 974
I am, like the others posting here, very sad and sorry for what you are going through. Nothing makes you "get over it", but you "get through it"... one minute, hour, day at a time.

Lost my father when i was 18 and my mother when i was 45... i would have loved having them longer, but was not to be. I, too, was single (still am) when i lost both parents. Though it was shattering and devasting, i realized there would be a whole new pattern to my life without them.... sometimes lonely, but sometimes new and wonderful things & experiences came into my life to give me comfort.

Do find a support group... we may all be strangers when we enter those groups, but the loss of a loved one unites us all and we all having something to share about our loss & feelings... As that phrase goes, "A joy shared is twice the joy; a grief shared is half the grief".

Blessings and comfort to you
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Old 07-21-2013, 06:45 PM
 
136 posts, read 273,378 times
Reputation: 108
8 months ago, my mother (82) passed away after suffering with COPD (2 years) and a broken/repaired hip from a year earlier and a bout with cancer back in 1995. I am now 59 years old, retired, single and basically had her living with me and taking care of her since my father passed away in 1994 at age 72. My only relatives are my brother and aunt 3,000 miles away. We talk about once a month. But even though its been 8 months, I can honestly say I haven't gone 1 day without missing her so much that I get emotional a few times a day. I thought by now, it would have been a bit easier, but it really hasn't been. I imagine its just going to take a long time to feel better. So for me, this is normal.

Just hang in there (it won't be easy) and take things one day at a time. Good luck.
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