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Old 08-02-2013, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,727 posts, read 18,607,718 times
Reputation: 12254

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eastern Roamer View Post
If somebody asked me why I was still grieving over someone who died, my answer would be "go f**k yourself".
There you go! Good for you.

In my grief support group, a lady said that if somebody asked her, "Why are you still thinking about your son?" She would answer, "because my son is still dead."

 
Old 08-02-2013, 12:57 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,602 posts, read 18,242,882 times
Reputation: 18970
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eastern Roamer View Post
If somebody asked me why I was still grieving over someone who died, my answer would be "go f**k yourself".
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
There you go! Good for you.

In my grief support group, a lady said that if somebody asked her, "Why are you still thinking about your son?" She would answer, "because my son is still dead."
You really need to get over the anger his suicide is causing you.

If you had read any of the threads, you would know my bff hanged herself over 20 years ago and I still mourn her. I do not grieve per se, I got over it but still mourn her decision.

This birthday would be what, 3rd or 4th since he hanged himself? Remembering is fine, getting a little sad is okay but getting all twisted up after all this time is unhealthy. You sound like you need more than the support group. They sound like they feed your anger. mod cut

Last edited by Sam I Am; 08-05-2013 at 02:35 AM.. Reason: comfort, please
 
Old 08-02-2013, 01:03 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,727 posts, read 18,607,718 times
Reputation: 12254
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
You really need to get over the anger his suicide is causing you.

If you had read any of the threads, you would know my bff hanged herself over 20 years ago and I still mourn her. I do not grieve per se, I got over it but still mourn her decision.

This birthday would be what, 3rd or 4th since he hanged himself? Remembering is fine, getting a little sad is okay but getting all twisted up after all this time is unhealthy. You sound like you need more than the support group. They sound like they feed your anger. mod cut
Each relationship is different. Did you read my OP? A friend called me and wanted to hang out with me. I said, "I just need some time for myself because xx (my late boyfriend's name) birthday is coming up."

She went, "WOw, are you serious? Why are you still grieving? Get over it already?" How am I angry? It is not like I asked her to sit here listening to me, I just need time by myself. Is it such a crime?

We all grieve differently according to our own time line. IN my suicide survivor support group, we all know it is TABOO to tell people to "get over it" There is no such a thing as getting over, you get through it, day by day, second by second. I don't think about him everyday, I can be able to laugh, function, move on to another meaningful relationship, But to expect me NOT thinking about him is non sense. I loved him and I always will.

Last edited by Sam I Am; 08-05-2013 at 02:35 AM..
 
Old 08-02-2013, 05:30 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,529 posts, read 16,055,425 times
Reputation: 39022
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
Each relationship is different. Did you read my OP? A friend called me and wanted to hang out with me. I said, "I just need some time for myself because xx (my late boyfriend's name) birthday is coming up."

She went, "WOw, are you serious? Why are you still grieving? Get over it already?" How am I angry? It is not like I asked her to sit here listening to me, I just need time by myself. Is it such a crime?

We all grieve differently according to our own time line. IN my suicide survivor support group, we all know it is TABOO to tell people to "get over it" There is no such a thing as getting over, you get through it, day by day, second by second. I don't think about him everyday, I can be able to laugh, function, move on to another meaningful relationship, But to expect me NOT thinking about him is non sense. I loved him and I always will.
I am sorry for the loss of your friend/boyfriend.

Unfortunately, there are many inconsiderate and insensitive people in this world (perhaps even on this thread). Maybe next time a friend calls you to hang out (and it is a bad time), and you don't know how they will react to why you don't want to hang out you could just say that you are busy and can't go. Now, "busy" may be looking at old photographs and crying for a bit but that is your business.

My daughter lost a good friend to suicide almost 10 years ago and it is still difficult for her at times. She and about five of his closest friends all got some type of tattoo so that he will be in their memory forever. As you said people grieve differently and at an individual pace.

You do what is best for you.
 
Old 08-02-2013, 11:05 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,190 posts, read 16,598,271 times
Reputation: 13441
Regarding what to call him, I'd suggest "late boyfriend" rather than "ex-boyfriend". "Ex" connotes that you and he weren't girlfriend/boyfriend at the time of his death, imho, while "late" would make it more clear that he was your boyfriend until his death. I think that caused some confusion on this thread.

At times I still mourn the death of my late wife who passed 17 years ago... in a quiet and personal way, although I wouldn't normally admit it to anyone. It would be nobody's business why I don't feel like going out to party. That should eliminate the "Why are you still grieving?" questions.

I think we all grieve because it's what we need to do. My own grieving over my late wife didn't stop me from going out much, even at the beginning, but that's me, and it's partly because I know she wouldn't have wanted her death to stop me from moving onward. That's me. You're you. You should do what YOU need to do and not be bothered by the expectations of others. (Period.)
 
Old 08-02-2013, 11:32 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,727 posts, read 18,607,718 times
Reputation: 12254
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
Regarding what to call him, I'd suggest "late boyfriend" rather than "ex-boyfriend". "Ex" connotes that you and he weren't girlfriend/boyfriend at the time of his death, imho, while "late" would make it more clear that he was your boyfriend until his death. I think that caused some confusion on this thread.

At times I still mourn the death of my late wife who passed 17 years ago... in a quiet and personal way, although I wouldn't normally admit it to anyone. It would be nobody's business why I don't feel like going out to party. That should eliminate the "Why are you still grieving?" questions.

I think we all grieve because it's what we need to do. My own grieving over my late wife didn't stop me from going out much, even at the beginning, but that's me, and it's partly because I know she wouldn't have wanted her death to stop me from moving onward. That's me. You're you. You should do what YOU need to do and not be bothered by the expectations of others. (Period.)
Yes, thank you. That is perfect "Late boyfriend".

Actually, in real life, I do have a lot of friends who care about me, when they asked me, "Are you still with xx (my late boyfriend's name)" I sometimes don't want to explain to them exactly what happened. So I told them, "we are no longer together". Only close friends know what really happened..

In my grief support group, we had a girl asked the similar question, " If my grandpa died, I am not going to call him ex-grandpa. But my boyfriend is not an ex, what am I suppose to call him, now he is dead?" The grief counselor said, it really depends. She can simply tell people she is not comfortable talking about it, or just tell people he died due to terminal mental illness. If she wanted to call him ex boyfriend, that is up to her.

Thank you for your suggestion, I will just call him late boyfriend from now on.

(((( )))) Thank you for your kind words.
 
Old 08-04-2013, 10:53 AM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,577,173 times
Reputation: 26004
People don't understand. Everyone's journey is different. My SO took a week off of work, for the anniversary of his late wife. He still grieves.

That being said, he also has a new life, and I am lucky to be part of his healing process.
 
Old 08-04-2013, 11:34 AM
 
7,282 posts, read 8,431,258 times
Reputation: 11407
Grief is an unpleasant experience for those not directly affected. Consider though, that grieving is a process that is supposed to serve a purpose. Sometimes we tend the grieve and it becomes more than a process, it becomes part of who we are and that can often be unhealthful, not just for the person grieving but those who care about them who see that there is no progression past grieving.

There is also something else to think about: While you say you moved on, obviously you haven't and the relationship you are in now, while you say it meaningful, doesn't seem to hold up the candle you seek. Some people never get over a loss and subsequent relationships don't really fill the glass so to speak. Maybe it is time for a re-evaluation of what is going on.

The other thing to consider is that perhaps your grieving is more obvious than you know. While most people can understand the need to grieve, after some years most will expect there to be less grieving and more reflection, they are different things. If you still grieve, you weren't ready for a new relationship. Entering into a new relationship while still grieving is very unfair to the other person, you put a burden on them that they do not deserve and in some manner shortchange their part in the relationship. Perhaps it's time to think about those things too.

When you grieve, if you can't progress past that, think about doing so in a more private manner. Maybe you don't realize how your grieving affects others and no one goes through life alone and while you experienced a loss, aren't you also imposing a loss on others too? Yes, you lost someone who meant a lot to you but you seem to mean a lot to others as well and if you aren't cognizant of that, eventually you might find you experience other losses simple because friends and those that care about you distance themselves; they have lives too and if they knew the person for whom you grieve, they've moved on.

Nothing I've said is meant to diminish your experience but making grieving a routine can be harmful in many ways and often to others around you.
 
Old 08-04-2013, 03:01 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,602 posts, read 18,242,882 times
Reputation: 18970
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mack Knife View Post
Grief is an unpleasant experience for those not directly affected. Consider though, that grieving is a process that is supposed to serve a purpose. Sometimes we tend the grieve and it becomes more than a process, it becomes part of who we are and that can often be unhealthful, not just for the person grieving but those who care about them who see that there is no progression past grieving.

There is also something else to think about: While you say you moved on, obviously you haven't and the relationship you are in now, while you say it meaningful, doesn't seem to hold up the candle you seek. Some people never get over a loss and subsequent relationships don't really fill the glass so to speak. Maybe it is time for a re-evaluation of what is going on.

The other thing to consider is that perhaps your grieving is more obvious than you know. While most people can understand the need to grieve, after some years most will expect there to be less grieving and more reflection, they are different things. If you still grieve, you weren't ready for a new relationship. Entering into a new relationship while still grieving is very unfair to the other person, you put a burden on them that they do not deserve and in some manner shortchange their part in the relationship. Perhaps it's time to think about those things too.

When you grieve, if you can't progress past that, think about doing so in a more private manner. Maybe you don't realize how your grieving affects others and no one goes through life alone and while you experienced a loss, aren't you also imposing a loss on others too? Yes, you lost someone who meant a lot to you but you seem to mean a lot to others as well and if you aren't cognizant of that, eventually you might find you experience other losses simple because friends and those that care about you distance themselves; they have lives too and if they knew the person for whom you grieve, they've moved on.

Nothing I've said is meant to diminish your experience but making grieving a routine can be harmful in many ways and often to others around you.
So eloquently put, Mack, unlike my "in your face", "bull in a china shop" persona. Very well put.

mod cut

Last edited by Sam I Am; 08-05-2013 at 02:37 AM.. Reason: take it to DM - no personal stuff in forums
 
Old 08-04-2013, 10:41 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,727 posts, read 18,607,718 times
Reputation: 12254
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mack Knife View Post
Grief is an unpleasant experience for those not directly affected. Consider though, that grieving is a process that is supposed to serve a purpose. Sometimes we tend the grieve and it becomes more than a process, it becomes part of who we are and that can often be unhealthful, not just for the person grieving but those who care about them who see that there is no progression past grieving.

There is also something else to think about: While you say you moved on, obviously you haven't and the relationship you are in now, while you say it meaningful, doesn't seem to hold up the candle you seek. Some people never get over a loss and subsequent relationships don't really fill the glass so to speak. Maybe it is time for a re-evaluation of what is going on.

The other thing to consider is that perhaps your grieving is more obvious than you know. While most people can understand the need to grieve, after some years most will expect there to be less grieving and more reflection, they are different things. If you still grieve, you weren't ready for a new relationship. Entering into a new relationship while still grieving is very unfair to the other person, you put a burden on them that they do not deserve and in some manner shortchange their part in the relationship. Perhaps it's time to think about those things too.

When you grieve, if you can't progress past that, think about doing so in a more private manner. Maybe you don't realize how your grieving affects others and no one goes through life alone and while you experienced a loss, aren't you also imposing a loss on others too? Yes, you lost someone who meant a lot to you but you seem to mean a lot to others as well and if you aren't cognizant of that, eventually you might find you experience other losses simple because friends and those that care about you distance themselves; they have lives too and if they knew the person for whom you grieve, they've moved on.

Nothing I've said is meant to diminish your experience but making grieving a routine can be harmful in many ways and often to others around you.
I appreciate you advice. But I have no ideas why do you think I "made grieving a routine"

My loved one's birthday is coming up August 5th, which it tomorrow. Suicide grief is like no others. I come here for advice, and I got them. I will pick myself up and move on. Tomorrow is another day.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.

I think this thread has run its course.
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