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Old 08-01-2013, 06:07 PM
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,392 posts, read 18,435,180 times
Reputation: 12143


Many of you here already knew that I lost my boyfriend to suicide a little over four years ago. Most of the days, I am functioning really well. I even moved on to a new meaningful relationship. I love my life and I have to say that for the most part, life is good.

However, on anniversaries and special occasions, I still cry for my lost loved one. There will always be an empty chair and void in my heart.

It seems to me that people are very annoyed when I grieve. I have no ideas why. It is not like I expect people to hold my hands or baby sit me when I cry.

For example, in four days will be my late boyfriend's birthday. I am not my usual self this past one week. My friend called and wanted to hang out with me, I told her that I was not in the mood because I needed some time for myself.

She responded, "Wow, are you serious? Why are you still grieving? Get over it already." Get over it already is something people like to throw out so easily. Don't they know that it is not that easy!!! Time does not heal all wounds, it only "mute" the most intense pain. Time does not completely eliminate my feelings, I am the one who has to live with this regret and pain for the rest of my life.

I remember the first month when somebody told me, "get over it already, it has been 3 weeks already." I sat there and felt totally lost. Are you kidding me? I thought, you actually expect me to "get over" it in 3 weeks!! Wow.

My grandfather passed away 17 years ago when I was only 11, I still thought about him sometimes. In my grief support group, a lady told everybody that if somebody asked her, "why are you still grieving?" She would say, "because my son is still dead."

How come some people just never get it?! Grief is not something you can "get over", you have to get through it and healing takes time.

Old 08-01-2013, 08:28 PM
12,429 posts, read 14,559,489 times
Reputation: 14127
You're right lilyflower, healing takes time, and you NEVER get over the loss of someone you've loved...I think it might help to believe that your lost love would trully want you to be happy in life. Think how sad he'd be to know that you were still crying for him... He can never be more than a memory now lillyflower, don't cry, celebrate...have a party and be happy...for him...for you...for all the gooood memories you had....and remember, everyone one of us deals with our grief in our own way, and on our own time. There is no right way, nor right amount of time, as long as you live the life that YOU still have in a way that'll give you the most joy and peace.
Old 08-01-2013, 08:32 PM
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,392 posts, read 18,435,180 times
Reputation: 12143
Thank you for your beautiful post, pure,

I really appreciate it.
Old 08-01-2013, 11:56 PM
Location: mainland but born oahu
6,657 posts, read 6,162,127 times
Reputation: 3121
Hey lily there is no healthy timeline for grief and loss ok, it happens when it happens, i think ppl say that because they don't understand themselves or don't know how to help. So don't put yourself down ok? Its been 20 years since i lost my wife to be and unborn child in a car accident, and to this day i still grieve, small things get me and it blindsides me. I just go with it reach out to true friends if you need. Be good to yourself ok?

Last edited by hawaiian by heart; 08-02-2013 at 12:09 AM..
Old 08-02-2013, 12:06 AM
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,392 posts, read 18,435,180 times
Reputation: 12143
yeah, like I know WHY do I STILL grieve. I sure don't want to..
Old 08-02-2013, 12:15 AM
Location: mainland but born oahu
6,657 posts, read 6,162,127 times
Reputation: 3121
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
yeah, like I know WHY do I STILL grieve. I sure don't want to..
You still grieve because you love lily, you had a spiritual connection with your bf. No one likes to feel loss, but how do we know good, love etc without loss or badthings?
Old 08-02-2013, 12:35 AM
Location: mainland but born oahu
6,657 posts, read 6,162,127 times
Reputation: 3121
I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are lily? but im part native american, so once a year i go out to a area in nature, where its quiet and no one will bother me, i burn sage, tobacco ties and pray for those who passed on, honoring them.

i find this also helps me with my grief.

It doesnt have to be a big thing lily, if your cathlic? u can light a candle and pray.

Another thing that helps is to try to be good to yourself ok? Grieve but take time to take care of yourself or do something good for yourself? like a warm bath or eat chocolate etc. ok?

And finally use your support system and understand that grieving has its own time limit.

These things has helped me. Good luck my friend.
Old 08-02-2013, 07:38 AM
15,831 posts, read 18,446,953 times
Reputation: 25609
It is true. We all grieve differently. Suicide is imo harder, there are so many unanswered questions, and some guilt. Why didn't I know how to help prevent this etc.

IMO it is also an inappropriate question to ask anyone, Why aren't you over it....seems heartless....There is no answer you have to give....it isn't their business. Assess your friendships....You may need new ones.

The truth is, unless you fully deal with grief it keeps coming up like yours does, makes us feel stuck. It is ok to grieve always...but when it affects your ability to function, you really haven't addressed all issues.

That's not to say someone can't feel upset enough that they don't want to go hang out...it just is easier for someone who is feeling badly about a lost loved one, if their friends say something supportive, and caring...it helps...rather than an accusatory statement like.."get over it"

You might benefit from going to a support group, so that you can put this in perspective, and eventually...thought you'll never forget, you'll be able to move on enough in the grief process that it doesn't negatively affect your ability to function normally.

I also think you should analyse the relationship you are presently in...to grieve so much still will effect that relationship too.
Help is readily available. Search for suicide grief support in your local area, often the newspaper will have listings for various support groups...find out which day they run those in your local paper..and look for one pertaining to loss of loved one to suicide, or a grief and loss support group. And here are some online links. I listed just a couple, there are many online. I just searched using suicide support, grief and loss. Good luck to you.

Find a Support Group
Old 08-02-2013, 08:52 AM
Location: Dallas
5,463 posts, read 4,579,619 times
Reputation: 15592
As a mentally healthy adult, we take an emotionally devastating situation, go through the feelings, process it, and then move on. Grief is fine for a while, but wallowing in it only feeds more grief, IMO. Life is full of loss, and as we get older, the losses continue to rack up as we lose friends and loved ones. Yes, we miss them, but it is best to think of the positive aspects of our relationship we had when they were with us, mentally wishing them well wherever they may be now, and being grateful for having known them in their time here -this is the best way to handle it. Dwelling on the negative aspects only makes it worse and gets us stuck in a bad mental state.
Old 08-02-2013, 11:15 AM
Location: Chicago area
13,034 posts, read 7,199,948 times
Reputation: 49974
I still feel the loss of a friend that died way to young from meningitis and that was almost 25 years ago. I know for a fact that her husband never got over it, nor did he ever remarry. Some people feel things to the depth of their soul, others are shallow and judgmental. It's wrong for some one else to tell you how to feel, we all process things differently. I've known 4 people that have committed suicide and the latest was on June 11th. I'll never understand "WHY" but I've learned to understand the what is...is. I hope some day that you will be able to seek comfort in the memory of his smile. I have to admit that I'm shedding tears as I type this. I didn't know him as a friend, but I saw it coming and I couldn't help him and everyone thought I was crazy when I told them that I was worried about him. There will be good days and bad days but keeping it in perspective is the key. I was with my friend on the anniversary of her son's suicide. She was very quite and I felt helpless. There's nothing any one can do, but carry on. I'm so sorry love.
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