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Old 08-25-2013, 02:08 AM
 
8,440 posts, read 10,714,664 times
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Life does tend to go full circle and sometimes it is quicker than later.

Most of us have posted in various threads in the forum given those we've loved and lost. While asking questions or trying to console others about their loved ones who have passed. Often, we also use this forum to vent about the incredibly inappropriate comments, questions and behavior of others during our various stages of healing.

I am asking for your advice and thoughts about a situation I've had happen the last 24 hrs.

Currently, I'm living in a home my family bought s while ago. It was vacant when I lost my dear one and I desperately needed away from some in another state who indirectly contributed to the death of my precious one.

So I'm living fairly close to some family members. Due both to medical and my own grief reasons, I've not exactly gone around to meet the neighbors.

I read the death notices last night and realized my next door neighbors had a death in their immediate family. The service is in about 35 hrs. from now. That includes 1.5 nights..... the point very little time between when I learned of the death and the Graveside service.

My two neighbors are intellectually challenged. They have older siblings check on them a couple of times each week. I've interacted a grand total of one time with one brother. I didn't even know his name.

In the Mountain West people pull together in a situation like this. The easiest thing for me to do would contribute food or $ for food after the graveside service meal. I contacted the person who should be in charge of that for their church and asked what could I contribute. She didn't even know there had been a death. Most likely that means one of two things: the family hasn't even thought about it or the meal is being held elsewhere.

I cannot attend the service as I will be out-of-state at a very important MD's appt. But I do have family who can help me that day.

All of you know how you felt between learning of your loved one's death until the day for the service or celebration of life or what you decided to do to honor your loved one (es) you have lost. I've been there before too just being so numb and somehow stumbling through what had to be done with each of the four deaths in my family prior to 2013. Then with losing the most important person in my life in 2013, well let's just say I've experienced things humans should not have to. I'm not a novice to death both from my work and personal life.

Thinking of your own experience(s) and remembering my two next door neighbors are intellectually challenged, how would you suggest I acknowledge their tremendous loss? One person suggested a note or nice card. I don't know that a nice card or flowers will mean anything to my neighbors. They may mean something to their older sister who checks on them, or not. I simply don't know.

What would you recommend given the unique needs my neighbors have and recalling what was the most helpful to you and any family members?

Thank you in advance for your ideas and suggestions.

And may you each heal a bit more.

MSR

Last edited by Mtn. States Resident; 08-25-2013 at 02:52 AM..
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Old 08-25-2013, 10:42 PM
 
Location: WA
604 posts, read 527,784 times
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My suggestion, bring a nice platter of cookies from a store or a meal, when the older sister comes to check on them. Inform all three you will be out of town, though they will be in your thoughts/prayers. For me this shows you care and will be MUCH appreciated.
(Note: A card is a nice gesture, though the cookies and/or meal will be a tremendous help.)

How bless your neighbors are for you to be so thoughtful, caring.
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Old 08-26-2013, 01:00 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
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I agree with Sera. I think a basket of fruit, plate of cookies, or a casserole given when the older sister is there would be a really nice gesture and most likely gratefully appreciated. Just knowing that a neighbor cares could be very comforting to them.
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Old 08-27-2013, 12:29 AM
 
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Thank you Sera and Marcy. I like your idea of going over when their sister is there with food and a card for the extended family when I'm able to return. I don't really know when she comes vs others, but I have a guess. Besides, my neighbors can eat whatever and leave the card for their sister, if they wish.

The interesting thing to ponder is for all of us who had others say hurtful comments to us, or not say anything etc., is it can be insightful that perhaps they too weren't sure of what to say or do. It's hard to know what to do, at least for me, in certain situations. Some people aren't comfortable with death at all.

Maybe I, and anyone else who wants to join me, can rethink some of what comments others said that hurt. Maybe they had zero experience trying to comfort someone before.

Thanks for the lovely comment Sera. I sincerely appreciate you and Marcy posting

MSR
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Old 09-12-2013, 01:06 AM
 
Location: Mayacama Mtns in CA
14,523 posts, read 7,362,884 times
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Quote:
Maybe I, and anyone else who wants to join me, can rethink some of what comments others said that hurt. Maybe they had zero experience trying to comfort someone before.
When my beloved daughter died, a person who had been one of my good friends came up me just before the funeral mass began and said something very well-intentioned, but oh, so very inappropriate. I was stunned and couldn't even reply, so she said it again, like I wasn't getting it.

I knew, even as she was standing there practically yelling at me, that her intent was pure even though it was sadly misappropriated. God gave me the grace to instantly forgive her, and even the restraint for knowing I didn't have to correct her right then. In fact, I never did. Everything else was too important.

I truly think she thought that making a theological point was going to be of comfort at that moment. It wasn't. And she didn't have the sense or knowledge to see that I was honouring my daughter by standing there at her opened coffin.

Quote:
The interesting thing to ponder is for all of us who had others say hurtful comments to us, or not say anything etc., is it can be insightful that perhaps they too weren't sure of what to say or do. It's hard to know what to do, at least for me, in certain situations. Some people aren't comfortable with death at all.
Over all, what I remembered from the two very large funeral services for my daughter, in different states ~ ~ I noticed and was thankful and appreciative when people made the effort, even if they were uncertain what to say or do at a given moment. And I confess I have remembered in some corner of my heart, those from whom I didn't hear.

So for me, it's better that folks stumbled around, perhaps saying the wrong thing than to have made the effort. Or fail to write me later if they couldn't be present. (As I write this I can think of some whom I need to forgive. . .)

.

Last edited by Macrina; 09-12-2013 at 01:20 AM..
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Old 09-14-2013, 10:37 PM
 
8,440 posts, read 10,714,664 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Macrina View Post
When my beloved daughter died, a person who had been one of my good friends came up me just before the funeral mass began and said something very well-intentioned, but oh, so very inappropriate. I was stunned and couldn't even reply, so she said it again, like I wasn't getting it.

I knew, even as she was standing there practically yelling at me, that her intent was pure even though it was sadly misappropriated. God gave me the grace to instantly forgive her, and even the restraint for knowing I didn't have to correct her right then. In fact, I never did. Everything else was too important.

I truly think she thought that making a theological point was going to be of comfort at that moment. It wasn't. And she didn't have the sense or knowledge to see that I was honouring my daughter by standing there at her opened coffin.



Over all, what I remembered from the two very large funeral services for my daughter, in different states ~ ~ I noticed and was thankful and appreciative when people made the effort, even if they were uncertain what to say or do at a given moment. And I confess I have remembered in some corner of my heart, those from whom I didn't hear.

So for me, it's better that folks stumbled around, perhaps saying the wrong thing than to have made the effort. Or fail to write me later if they couldn't be present. (As I write this I can think of some whom I need to forgive. . .)

.
Macrina,

Your experience sounds painful. I'm glad you posted to share your thoughts to help others.

I don't know if you've looked at some of the grief threads or not. Your post would add so much to some of the threads, especially those asking what to do when friends/ relatives lose children.

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. I am also sorry that another caring adult didn't risk upsetting your friend by helping her move away from you. There is a sacred bond between a mother and her child. No one has the right to interfere with whatever a parent wants to say or do next to the body of her precious daughter right before the funeral.

Please post more in various threads here to "tell it like it was" for you.

Anytime others have a chance to think about boundaries, needs and other details of what could happen at a funeral mass or other funeral services, someone will have thought of how they could help. It's not as difficult to attempt to help when one knows often well-meaning people don't realize what they are taking from the parent.

I'm a Christian and am proud you could differentiate between " well-meaning intent" vs. a different agenda.from your friend. Your daughter's spirit knew you were with there with her body........caring for her as long as you could before her Mass started.

Sending you healing, peace, comfort across the miles.

MSR

Last edited by Mtn. States Resident; 09-14-2013 at 10:45 PM..
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:42 PM
 
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Macrina,

Thank you for sharing. I am sorry for the loss of your daughter.

Your friend you forgave for stating a inappropriate statement, that was very nice of you and you handled the situation with care.

Hugs to you,
Smilin
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Old 09-15-2013, 09:00 PM
 
Location: Mayacama Mtns in CA
14,523 posts, read 7,362,884 times
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MSR & Smilin', thank you for your kind remarks. Isn't it so good when kindred souls are able to support one another? !

Honestly, I think I'd not yet written anywhere on the open forum about her leave-taking from this world; it's been years now and I still feel her loss so strongly. That's why I stress that point that there's no schedule or timetable for grieving.
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Old 09-16-2013, 02:52 AM
 
8,440 posts, read 10,714,664 times
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Macrina,

First, thank you for your lovely note.

Secondly, I'd strongly encourage you to read other threads here. I avoided the Widow/Widowers and were friends lacking as that wasn't the situation that brought me to this part of the CDF. I found that while I couldn't comment about a few posts so many pertain to the core issues we feel losing one or more of the people we loved the most.

Finally, I think you'll find others here ( in different threads) who can relTe. No two people have had the same exact experiences. But we're all in diff ER rent stages of recovery and it feels good to know otherz have good days Nd bad days too. On the bad days we can share our feelings and others will understand.

Besides, I mentioned your post from here. Meet some others who will be as accepting of what you shared without fearing negative comments or put downs.

I'm glad you decided to post and hope you will in other threads too

MSR
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