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Are you a kid? One of his friends? You're probably grieving yourself to a degree.
His mom might be expecting his friends to be a comfort. If you get a chance to tell her something wonderful about him that's what I'd love to hear. If his friends get up and give anecdotes about him, short funny stories from experience, and you have something to contribute PLEASE say it because you'll wish you had forever.
or....
"I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better"
I wouldn't. I'd think their response would be "how the *&^% do you THINK I'm doing?
I'm with everyone else. A short "I'm so sorry" is best. There isn't one thing you can say that will make them feel any different from what they are feeling.
I am going to a memorial tomorrow for a young kid (he was 17) who died in a tragic car accident.
I know his Mom as a friend but she is not a close friend.
I never know what to say at these things, but it's especially hard to know what to say a parent who lost a child. I"m scared I'll say the wrong thing.
Does anyone have any ideas?
Anything beyond "I'm so sorry for your loss" would be wasted words. Maybe adding the offer to run errands for the family. But if you're tempted to say anything beyond that, don't.
If you say, "I can't begin to imagine how you feel," you'll annoy them. Of course you can't, unless you've lost a child yourself.
If you start mentioning how wonderful the dead child was, it just deepens their sense of loss, giving them yet another reason to grieve.
If you start in with some ready-made bromide about God, Christ, or Heaven, shut the hell up immediately. That's for the parent to sort out.
But, most of all, remember that the pain of loss goes on well after the funeral is over and the thank-you notes for the flowers and the deliveries of food have been written and mailed. It will go on for months and years, most likely for a lifetime. For parents are not meant to bury their children.
So it will be the small kindnesses, the ones that take place a month or two from now that will be most remembered. For they will show that you are still thinking of the parent long after the world has gone on with its business.
No. Because the immediate response, whether the parent says it or not, is "Are you an idiot? I am destroyed. I have lost all reason to get up in the morning. Go away before you say something else equally stupid."
Thanks everyone. This is just such a sad, tragic event, our who community is in mourning. I've heard that the family is holding up pretty well, but I don't want to say anything that would sound insincere or anything. I think I will stick with the "so sorry for your loss" and then hopefully a hug and let it be.
There's nothing you can say to make her feel better, but you can ask her if she needs any concrete help to get her through -- a few casseroles? Visits at the house? Does she need anyone to run intereference for her so she can get some privacy? (All the hugging and la de da can get kind of overwhelming whenm you need to lie on the floor and sob by yourself.)
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