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Old 09-21-2013, 08:45 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514

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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
What, after the initial anger, is there to be angry with death? We are all marching towards the grave even in vitro. We are all born to die. Some earlier, some later. Sad that some do not pass the anger stage. The only deaths that do not seem "fair" is the death of children.
Some people may have a lot of unresolved anger from earlier events in their life. (A "chip" on their shoulder?)....Losing their spouse seems like the "last straw." And they fume and fume and get stuck in self-pity and "martyrdom.".. I've been around a few people like this.
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Old 09-24-2013, 09:54 AM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,637,003 times
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I assure you Tam, when I lost my husband I did not look at it as a natural occurrence of death. And I suppose I am having a more difficult time with my husband's death because it was just the two of us. We did everything together. His family lived 2400 miles away so we seldom visited. I was my happiest when it was just my husband and I. He had a dry sense of humor and he enjoyed telling jokes. I was constantly laughing. He just humored me in a way no one else I know is able to do . He saw the bright side of life. Not one day goes by that I don't think of him. It is not that I refuse to get over him and move on in my life because quite frankly one really can't do that, life gets in the way, we have no choice but live in the moment, bills need to be paid, food needs to be bought, and etc.
Everyday is a growing experience for me. I carve one more niche in the tree, one more achievement and new experience takes place. I am still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Obviously, it is everyone's goal to be self reliant, healthy, prosper and feel happiness. I am just trying to figure out me. I identified for most of my life with being my husband's wife. We were a team. I am one now and I am still trying to feel comfortable with that. Over the last month, I decided I don't want to have a relationship with a man. One of my good friends was married 26 years, her husband died and she remarried in seven months. She confided in me not long ago, she fell out of love with her husband, and she was madly in love with her husband of late. She can't identify with my grief.
Change is very hard on some people and for me I find that to be true. I am shy, introvert, and now I am a loner. I am friendly but I need lots of quiet time. I believe grief is a series of stages. No time limits, no should or should not.
I know I need to make friends, to find people to form a family but I know it takes effort and work, I don't have the energy for that but in due time I will make it happen.
Sometimes, I get stuck in "woe is me" syndrome and you know what? That is okay because I am just nurturing my wounds of grief.
People suggested to me just months after my husband's death, to volunteer. Volunteer? The first 13 months I had no energy to volunteer. To be honest, I have no desire to volunteer , it would be too much on my nervous system. What works for one person will not work for another because we are all unique and different and our loss of our loved one, is different. I was never married before, really never had allot of boyfriends before meeting my husband. One day at a time, one small step into the person I will become to feel whole again.
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Old 09-28-2013, 02:47 PM
 
1,050 posts, read 2,866,525 times
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Smilinpretty.....

That was wonderful.....one year now for me and you said it all.
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Old 09-29-2013, 02:02 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
Reputation: 7078
Smilin... you've managed to say what I feel. It will be four years for me at the end of October. It still sometimes feels like he'll come through the door and say, "Surprise! I'm still here!" That would be the happiest thing I could imagine.

I still cry at the thought of him, have trouble talking about him without choking up, and still miss him with all my heart. I loved him so deeply and so completely that I will never stop hurting from his loss. I feel like I had my once-in-a-lifetime love. I don't have friends here, and no family near by. I would love to have a friend. I am on a committee here with my condo complex, but since most of the residents are "snow birds", it's only from the end of October until early April. The rest of that time, I'm alone. I'm resigned to it, I try to keep busy, but I'm not as young as I was, and I'm feeling my age.

What's hard for me right now is that Halloween and Bob's birthday were such fun times for us as they started the Holiday Season, but since he died 5 days before Halloween and 8 days before his 60th birthday, Halloween is empty. What was once my favorite time of year, is now one I dread. Since there's no family around, it's a time of real lonliness...Halloween, his birthday, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Year's. I just want January to be here.
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Old 09-29-2013, 07:47 AM
 
1,050 posts, read 2,866,525 times
Reputation: 1172
So sorry Smilin. Last year I don't really know how I got through the holidays. I must have been on overdrive. I am taking one day at a time, some days I can get quite a bit accomplished, and others I go back to bed. I see friends, and family, but there is that big hole, the missing part. He cannot be replaced he is gone and I still cannot believe it all happened so fast.
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Old 09-30-2013, 07:09 PM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
6,961 posts, read 12,375,199 times
Reputation: 29140
I got an amazing phone call a couple weeks ago. One of my dad's cousins was calling us with the news that her 65 yr old son had been killed, hit by a car, riding his bike from Asheville, NC to Myrtle Beach, SC. She called us because my wife keeps up emails with our family and she was wanting to put this out to everybody. What amazed me though was her attitude. She said she didn't cry and won't cry over the loss of her son, because she knew how strong his faith in the Lord was and she knew where he was going as soon as the car hit him. She knows he's in no pain and he's where he always talked about being ready to go. And she knows she'll see him there before very long. I thought that was a great way to look at it.
She and her daughters went to clean his apartment up, and out. They were wondering what to do with his furniture and was told by the landlord of the complex that there was a woman with 3 youngsters who had just been moved into one of the apartments with hardly any furniture. She was a battered wife and sneaked out with the kids. My cousin gave this woman all her son's furniture and told her what she didn't want or need she could sell and buy food or whatever. She knew her son would have done the same thing.
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Old 09-30-2013, 07:22 PM
 
Location: Mayacama Mtns in CA
14,523 posts, read 7,362,884 times
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^^ That's so inspiring, to hear this woman's reaction in the midst of her grief. What a gift of love to give her son's furniture to the woman with the great need.
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Old 09-30-2013, 07:55 PM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,637,003 times
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Kygman,

Thank you for sharing, what a inspiring story. Amazing is right!!! How thoughtful of your cousin to give her son's belongings to a family that could use it. Wow, love this story!!!
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Old 10-01-2013, 11:41 PM
 
8,440 posts, read 10,714,664 times
Reputation: 6201
Quote:
Originally Posted by kygman View Post
I got an amazing phone call a couple weeks ago. One of my dad's cousins was calling us with the news that her 65 yr old son had been killed, hit by a car, riding his bike from Asheville, NC to Myrtle Beach, SC. She called us because my wife keeps up emails with our family and she was wanting to put this out to everybody. What amazed me though was her attitude. She said she didn't cry and won't cry over the loss of her son, because she knew how strong his faith in the Lord was and she knew where he was going as soon as the car hit him. She knows he's in no pain and he's where he always talked about being ready to go. And she knows she'll see him there before very long. I thought that was a great way to look at it.
She and her daughters went to clean his apartment up, and out. They were wondering what to do with his furniture and was told by the landlord of the complex that there was a woman with 3 youngsters who had just been moved into one of the apartments with hardly any furniture. She was a battered wife and sneaked out with the kids. My cousin gave this woman all her son's furniture and told her what she didn't want or need she could sell and buy food or whatever. She knew her son would have done the same thing.
Kygman,

So much written in one post. Inspiring how his apartment possessions were given to a family with major needs.

Be prepared for your relative's to have some bad times too. Depending on how well relatives know each other feelings can be masked by email.

If you get a chance send a card with a note ( just thinking about you type card) or send something small. Your cousin may have 100% perfect faith like her son. However, as humans we can experience more than one emotion. I don't know of anyone who doesn't have some difficult moments. And you haven't heard how his sisters are.

Please understand I'm not criticizing what you wrote. I'm simply alerting you of what could be ahead.

Thanks for sharing your cousin's loss and actions.

MSR
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Old 10-02-2013, 12:03 AM
 
8,440 posts, read 10,714,664 times
Reputation: 6201
Quote:
Originally Posted by smilinpretty View Post
I assure you Tam, when I lost my husband I did not look at it as a natural occurrence of death. And I suppose I am having a more difficult time with my husband's death because it was just the two of us. We did everything together. His family lived 2400 miles away so we seldom visited. I was my happiest when it was just my husband and I. He had a dry sense of humor and he enjoyed telling jokes. I was constantly laughing. He just humored me in a way no one else I know is able to do . He saw the bright side of life. Not one day goes by that I don't think of him. It is not that I refuse to get over him and move on in my life because quite frankly one really can't do that, life gets in the way, we have no choice but live in the moment, bills need to be paid, food needs to be bought, and etc.
Everyday is a growing experience for me. I carve one more niche in the tree, one more achievement and new experience takes place. I am still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Obviously, it is everyone's goal to be self reliant, healthy, prosper and feel happiness. I am just trying to figure out me. I identified for most of my life with being my husband's wife. We were a team. I am one now and I am still trying to feel comfortable with that. Over the last month, I decided I don't want to have a relationship with a man. One of my good friends was married 26 years, her husband died and she remarried in seven months. She confided in me not long ago, she fell out of love with her husband, and she was madly in love with her husband of late. She can't identify with my grief.
Change is very hard on some people and for me I find that to be true. I am shy, introvert, and now I am a loner. I am friendly but I need lots of quiet time. I believe grief is a series of stages. No time limits, no should or should not.
I know I need to make friends, to find people to form a family but I know it takes effort and work, I don't have the energy for that but in due time I will make it happen.
Sometimes, I get stuck in "woe is me" syndrome and you know what? That is okay because I am just nurturing my wounds of grief.
People suggested to me just months after my husband's death, to volunteer. Volunteer? The first 13 months I had no energy to volunteer. To be honest, I have no desire to volunteer , it would be too much on my nervous system. What works for one person will not work for another because we are all unique and different and our loss of our loved one, is different. I was never married before, really never had allot of boyfriends before meeting my husband. One day at a time, one small step into the person I will become to feel whole again.
Smilinpretty,

Thanks for being so honest in your post. I have a tad bit different view about one of your comments. I believe you do volunteer. It takes time to post here or in other forums. Responding to new posters with a comment or encouraging others, how is that not volunteering your time, effort etc.?

There are so many here who share their feelings and thoughts freely. I hesitate to name those who give so freely here as I'm positive I'd accident ally forget to name someone. Maybe I could say all of those who have responded to more than one of my posts have volunteered to try to help me.

The world is your service area right now. What matters the most is you continuing to heal.

MSR
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