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Old 10-02-2013, 08:03 PM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,637,003 times
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MSR,

Thank you so much for your kind and generous words. I never really thought of it that way but you are right.
The other day, I met a woman who was 84 years young, she had been married 60 years and lost her husband two months before I lost mine. Four months ago, she met the man on match.com, she wants to spend the rest of her life with. It really depressed me because I just could not go on-line to meet a man, it scares me too much and besides I feel I am not ready to give of myself to no one. I go up and down and all around with my emotions. I want to be like this 84 old woman and realize life goes on and to start living but I just don't know how. It seems as though I watch the world go by and I am at a stand still.

I went with my neighbors to hospital and spent the whole day with them, giving them support. The bickering back and forth was cute as it reminded me so much of my husband and I but my next relationship, if possible, I want to avoid that.

Thank you MSR, I want to heal and move on more than anything but my pace is slow. I thank you so very much for your support towards me and others. You seem to know the exact words to say to make others and myself feel good. I thank all of you at CD for your support, caring, kindness.
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Old 10-08-2013, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
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Smilin...I can relate to watching life pass by...Sometimes I have days that are more active. For the past week (or so) I've been helping a friend "nurse" one of her rescue cats back to health...And I still give my male friend rides to the store or rides to doctor's appointments. (Just not every day anymore.)....But life just hasn't been the same for me (either) without my husband and son or my cat "Little T" who died 5 weeks ago..."Little T" was my buddy and companion for over 16 years! Sure miss him!...Good for you for offering your support and "being there" for your friends and neighbors.. I can relate! I don't feel like "going shopping" for a new husband either!
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Old 10-09-2013, 02:15 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
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My daughter called today, and I was feeling down as the 4 year anniversary is rapidly approaching. She was going on about how the furlough means they won't get paid (dh is a Lt. Col. in USAF), her 13 year old is really mouthy, she's exhausted driving the kids from one activity to another...yada, yada, yada...and I said, "Be grateful that you have someone to share your life, to talk to while fixing dinner, to share the mundanes of every day because I can tell you it's lonely, very lonely with no one to talk to for days on end, or to fix a meal for, or watch TV with, or share your bed with." I had the biggest lump in my throat, and I said I had to go. I just burst out crying, and must have cried hard for a half an hour or more. I realized I have one or two acquaintenances here, but no real friends, as everyone's married. I don't date, never have since Bob died, never wanted to. I have hobbies like sewing and crafts that keep me going, but I have no one to share them with, so I make these things and don't know what to do with them. I work on demand, and demand is nil lately, so I have nothing there to do. I didn't think this was how my "Golden Years" would be, and it really stinks. You would think I'd be used to it after all this time, but it still hurts, and it's so lonely. I don't know what else I'd do, so just accepting that my life is going to be one lived alone is something I have to accept. It's definitely not easy. After 4 years, I don't know that it ever will be easy if it isn't by now.
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Old 10-09-2013, 06:37 AM
 
Location: SWFL
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(((HUGS))) Marcy.
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:41 AM
 
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Hugs Marcy. I, too, feel the same way. I feel as though I am just existing and not going forward, my foot is to the pedal but I am not moving, just gunning, making exhaust.

Marcy, I can relate to you about being around married couples. I feel as though I am an intruder.

I wish we lived closer Marcy, we could keep each other company.

((((Marcy))))
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Old 10-10-2013, 01:50 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
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It would be fun to have a friend who understood what being a widow is like. Many married or "taken" women feel threatened by a single woman, even if there's nothing to be threatened by, so you feel awkward having a conversation with a man. You don't go to restaurants because it's not fun eating alone. I don't go to movies for the same reason, but a lot of people do go to movies alone. I don't go out after dark alone, even though it's probably safe where I live, I just don't do it. I don't belong to a church, and haven't been to one since my mother-in-law's funeral in 1997. We didn't go to church, mostly because we were so rural, the nearest church was over an hour away. Now, I'm just not interested. It's hard to find activities when you don't know anyone, or the groups are mostly couples, or married women. It's an "odd man out" situation being a widow... I'd like to meet other widows my age to at least have a common ground with someone.
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Old 10-11-2013, 01:37 AM
 
8,440 posts, read 10,714,664 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
My daughter called today, and I was feeling down as the 4 year anniversary is rapidly approaching. She was going on about how the furlough means they won't get paid (dh is a Lt. Col. in USAF), her 13 year old is really mouthy, she's exhausted driving the kids from one activity to another...yada, yada, yada...and I said, "Be grateful that you have someone to share your life, to talk to while fixing dinner, to share the mundanes of every day because I can tell you it's lonely, very lonely with no one to talk to for days on end, or to fix a meal for, or watch TV with, or share your bed with." I had the biggest lump in my throat, and I said I had to go. I just burst out crying, and must have cried hard for a half an hour or more. I realized I have one or two acquaintenances here, but no real friends, as everyone's married. I don't date, never have since Bob died, never wanted to. I have hobbies like sewing and crafts that keep me going, but I have no one to share them with, so I make these things and don't know what to do with them. I work on demand, and demand is nil lately, so I have nothing there to do. I didn't think this was how my "Golden Years" would be, and it really stinks. You would think I'd be used to it after all this time, but it still hurts, and it's so lonely. I don't know what else I'd do, so just accepting that my life is going to be one lived alone is something I have to accept. It's definitely not easy. After 4 years, I don't know that it ever will be easy if it isn't by now.
Marcy,


I hope you felt better after you cried.

I really like what you told your daughter. Please don't misunderstand, to her, what she is dealing with seems overwhelming right now. And indeed she has some valid concerns. However, given what you each have experienced in life to date, I really like your answer.

There seem to be a group of us here who have zero interest in "Shopping" as CA mentioned above, for a replacement person. We all miss who we had in our lives, the person who listened to us, understood us better than anyone else and accepted us regardless of our faults and vice versa.

I realize I'm the odd duck of the group as Crick was my co-owner of both a business and home. We were NOT lovers. Yet I've had far more intimate conversations and learned to trust another, re-think some things about myself and exs or others that Crick and I talked about, let alone shared work hopes. While there wasn't the romantic component for me with my closest friend, there absolutely was an emotional component we had that sounds so similar to what so many of my friends here describe in their lives.

I do understand missing talking about subjects that don't matter to others or having the history of just knowing the best way we could comfort our loved one and vice versa.

Just having the person there to.chat with or even work with was comfortable and predictable.

I understand for some, depending on their circumstances, finding another person to have in their lives is needed. I don't judge them as I don't know how I'd how I could raise 3 small children, work and not be feeling like I needed someone in my life so I didn't feel isolated and the kids didn't feel isolated either.

For me, I suppose I could sum it up this way: while I plan on doing much more in my life now even though Crick is gone can I do some of those things if I never meet someone who met the same needs in me that Crick filled? Can there be another? No! However, can other friends, family and new people I meet fill some of my needs? Probably.

I think it depends on the memories we have and don't want to forget vs. what or who we in our future. The loneliness is awful. But a lot of couples are lonely in their relationships with no one dying.

As for all that you sew or do crafts, knit etc. how about making items for the pediatric unit of a hospital? Quilts, baby clothes etc. are very needed. Or almost any item one makes can be used by a Homeless Shelter. You can be involved with others trying to meet some of their needs with your time to make and donate items.

If you'd like a little more human contact but not too much, think about volunteering to rock newborn babies in a NICU when parents can't be there. It's so important that the babies feel love and caring. You could even tell them stories about Bob.

if you're not wanting that much interaction or that isn't where you feel comfortable that's ok. I have no doubt you can make someone's life better.

Community agencies and even Hospice usually need volunteers. When and if the time is right, you'll know.

The wonderful thing we all have is the memories of those we lost. No one can ever take those memories away

MSR

Last edited by Mtn. States Resident; 10-11-2013 at 03:03 AM..
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Old 10-11-2013, 06:50 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,432 posts, read 18,144,759 times
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Most excellent post, MSR. You really have a handle on this "survivor" thing.
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Old 10-12-2013, 01:34 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
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I'm involved in my community's HOA and I've joined the local chapter of the American Sewing Guild so I'm out there doing community activities. Our local Guild chapter has been mentoring young girls, making quilted tote bags for teen girls in foster care, and working with The Linus Project, and our local Fire Department making blankets for sick or injured children, so that's been very gratifying for me. Our community is having a Holiday Crafts fair/Bake sale/jewelry show and I bought a serger so I can make placemats, napkins, tablecloths, table runners, etc., to sell, so I'm busy. Still, there is that emptiness every day that won't be filled~~companionship, best friend, lover, confidante, that I miss and always will. So many what-if's that will never be answered, plans unfilled, dreams that won't be lived and regrets about woulda-coulda-shouldas that can't be changed. Still, I think that losing my husband suddenly while I was out of state isn't nearly as difficult as it would be if I were a young wife with small children, and my husband was killed while serving overseas. To lose him after not seeing him for months would be horrific to me. So, I count my blessings that I had him as long as I did, that he got to see the kids grow up, see the grandkids, travel, learn to SCUBA dive, go camping with our youngest son, and so many other things that many people who die young never get to do.

I believe that death isn't the end, that our energy continues in a differnt dimension and that I will see him again. He has come to me in dreams, so I know he's still "alive" somewhere and able to reach out. That's comforting for me.
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Old 10-12-2013, 08:49 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
I feel like I'm going through a "birthing process" all over again. (This is how my grief seems to me.)....I used to live in a safe and secure little world or "womb." And now I'm all alone..I know I'm going to have to go through a lot of "adjustments." I'm dealing with a huge "void."...But I try (hard) to have some balance (and some joy) in my life so I won't just "rot away." Or go off the "deep end.".. Helping my friend with her "rescue cats" gives me a sense of "purpose" right now...I helped "nurse" an injured cat back to health recently. And he's doing great now! YEA!
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