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Old 10-12-2013, 03:54 PM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,645,689 times
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YES, CA, what a rewarding experience that must be, to have saved a animal's life. Good for you!!! WTG!!

Marcy, I am so happy you are involved in the community helping out for excellent causes. I am so happy to hear this. What a satisfying experience knowing you are making a difference in someone's life.

I wish I had the energy and fortitude to be more active. I am just trying to heal myself. I started back to exercising and pulled a muscle in my back and I am down for the count.

I really appreciate all of you. If it weren't for you being here for me, I don't know if I would have made it. Reading your posts have been not only inspirational but have made me feel that I am not abnormal. Well, I am abnormal..actually but you know what I mean. Thank you all and I am so proud of all of you and how far you have evolved.

I got to thinking yesterday, as humans, we all have the same desires. I am all by myself and if I died tomorrow I would not be missed. I think if I died in bed, I possible could lay here for days until someone noticed. I only have two people that phone me to check in with me.

I miss conversations of how my day went or how I am feeling, someone to talk to. No one has my back. If I become sick, no one to care for me. My biggest fear, what happens if I end up in hospital and no one to care for my dogs? I don't have any close friends where I live. No family except for my dogs. My life could be different if I allowed it to be but I really need to over-come this grief and have a sense of belonging and purpose.

In the last few weeks, I have changed. I am getting out more and socializing. YEA for me!!! And people don't rub me the wrong way like they use to. I use to be so sensitive and grumpy and wear my feelings on the outside. Now I feel happier and I don't take personally what people say. Maybe that is a sign of moving forward?
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Old 10-12-2013, 05:57 PM
 
8,440 posts, read 10,748,584 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Most excellent post, MSR. You really have a handle on this "survivor" thing.
Thanks Tami

MSR
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Old 10-14-2013, 04:25 AM
 
Location: Ouachita Mtns of Arkansas
1,923 posts, read 2,557,561 times
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Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
What, after the initial anger, is there to be angry with death? We are all marching towards the grave even in vitro. We are all born to die. Some earlier, some later. Sad that some do not pass the anger stage. The only deaths that do not seem "fair" is the death of children.
Not fair is an understatement when referring to the deaths of children. I lost my 19 year old son in 1987. My sister lost her only son at the age of 15 in 1998. I can't speak for my sister but after the initial shock which lasted a few days, I became unbelievably angry. To the point of being in the front yard screaming at God and actually reaching up with my hands trying to grab him. I was riding in a motorcycle club at the time and I was hard to get along with for about two years. But I began to realize that my wife and my two younger boys didn't need to have a dad that was out of control. They needed the love that I had for them to come to bear and things gradually got better. I still miss him and I still wonder why, but I prayed a lot for God to take care of my two sons and he has. They both are doing very well now. At least I feel that they are safe.
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Old 10-14-2013, 09:06 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,577 posts, read 18,230,863 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by slingshot View Post
Not fair is an understatement when referring to the deaths of children. I lost my 19 year old son in 1987. My sister lost her only son at the age of 15 in 1998. I can't speak for my sister but after the initial shock which lasted a few days, I became unbelievably angry. To the point of being in the front yard screaming at God and actually reaching up with my hands trying to grab him. I was riding in a motorcycle club at the time and I was hard to get along with for about two years. But I began to realize that my wife and my two younger boys didn't need to have a dad that was out of control. They needed the love that I had for them to come to bear and things gradually got better. I still miss him and I still wonder why, but I prayed a lot for God to take care of my two sons and he has. They both are doing very well now. At least I feel that they are safe.
I am very sorry for both you and your sister's loses, slingshot. You had every right to be angry. I'm glad you have "mended" things with God. May HE continue to keep your other two boys safe.
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Old 10-14-2013, 09:51 AM
 
Location: Ouachita Mtns of Arkansas
1,923 posts, read 2,557,561 times
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Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
I am very sorry for both you and your sister's loses, slingshot. You had every right to be angry. I'm glad you have "mended" things with God. May HE continue to keep your other two boys safe.
Thank you. It's all good now.
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Old 10-14-2013, 11:54 AM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,645,689 times
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Hi everyone.

I pulled a muscle in my back. Yuck. Been down for the count. In four days time, I got out of the house and had lunch and dinner with groups of people. Unlike before, I have become more comfortable in my position and felt less of a outsider. We all want to fit in and be accepted, that is our nature as homo sapiens. To fit in and be loved, feel normal. Human beings are like animals in a sense, we all like to form packs or circle of friends. I was never like that nor I am not like that now.

I like to be involved with people but not to the extent I have to be accountable for anything. No responsibility except for myself. I am just trying to figure out what I want to do in my life. It is fun for me to redefine myself, my next journey.

I feel good emotionally, mentally and I feel I am moving forward, atlas. Wishing you all a awesome and wonderful day.
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Old 10-15-2013, 03:48 PM
 
Location: WY
4,930 posts, read 3,507,519 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by slingshot View Post
Not fair is an understatement when referring to the deaths of children. I lost my 19 year old son in 1987. My sister lost her only son at the age of 15 in 1998. I can't speak for my sister but after the initial shock which lasted a few days, I became unbelievably angry. To the point of being in the front yard screaming at God and actually reaching up with my hands trying to grab him.
I have never believed in God, but for the past almost-eighteen-months I have wished that I did. It would provide comfort to know that my son is sitting at the hand of God. At the very least it would give me someone to focus my anger on. Unfortunately that is not the case, and so I believe that my beautiful Sean is just dead and gone, and there is nowhere to put the anger. I envy those who have faith and belief in God because I'm sure that it provides much comfort.
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Old 10-16-2013, 02:26 PM
 
Location: it depends
6,074 posts, read 5,141,430 times
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Thank you to everyone who has posted. Your writing and your feelings and your experiences are valuable to me.

I've often felt like grief gets done in pieces over time when an extended illness is involved. When my mother passed, two of us children who had been close by had done most of our grieving well before the end. Those who weren't so close had a much bigger loss at the end--they did not realize how much was already gone.

Now my wife of nearly four decades has an untreatable, progressive disease. Most people with it are gone within two to four years after diagnosis. We do not know the future, but I am grieving now, over capabilities that are gone, about things that we've done for the last time, over chapters that are done, over new indications of decline. I can see the day when I stand alone in the setting sun, crying and crying--and I can also see the day when I stand alone in the setting sun, smiling in remembrance of good times. But for the most part I try to stay in the present, because the future is mostly a nightmare.

Thanks again to all.
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:12 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,577 posts, read 18,230,863 times
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(((HUGS))), marcopolo. I pray your wife passes peacefully.
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Old 10-18-2013, 12:17 AM
 
8,440 posts, read 10,748,584 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by slingshot View Post
Not fair is an understatement when referring to the deaths of children. I lost my 19 year old son in 1987. My sister lost her only son at the age of 15 in 1998. I can't speak for my sister but after the initial shock which lasted a few days, I became unbelievably angry. To the point of being in the front yard screaming at God and actually reaching up with my hands trying to grab him. I was riding in a motorcycle club at the time and I was hard to get along with for about two years. But I began to realize that my wife and my two younger boys didn't need to have a dad that was out of control. They needed the love that I had for them to come to bear and things gradually got better. I still miss him and I still wonder why, but I prayed a lot for God to take care of my two sons and he has. They both are doing very well now. At least I feel that they are safe.
Slingshot,

Thanks for sharing your loss with us. Your reaction is perfectly understandable to me.

I'm sorry for your loss and the loss your sister experienced. I've had two siblings loose children. Despite being siblings, you are both people and parents with your own experiences and losses with your respective children.

Major props to you for finding a new balance in your life so you have been there for your younger sons, while always remembering the son you lost. It takes time and a lot of hard work.

Wishing you and your family the best.

MSR
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