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I have noticed throughout my life, that whenever a person is mourning or grieving, this of course causes some people around them to be uncomfortable. Some people will make another person's grief all about them.
They will say how sorry they are, then launch into a story about a similar loss they experienced. Well, usually that doesn't help. Or if someone died from ill health or cancer, they will launch into a lecture about the type of foods people should eat and the causes and preventions of cancer.
Why do people do this? To me, they do it to make themselves feel better, to find reasons why some people die from other than old age or natural causes, as if it's a fate or outcome that can easily be controlled.
As a culture we are very uncomfortable with death. No matter how many passings occur in our sphere, we still feel awkward when addressing surviving loved ones. We think of a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" as being flimsy and cliche, so we struggle to say something else or something more even though really, "I'm sorry for your loss" is what's most appropriate in most cases.
In our efforts to say something meaningful and be empathetic, we often try to show that we understand another's grief by relating our own experiences. I don't think that's really intended to make it "all about us", but that's how it can come across. I think the intention is mostly to show we get it. Because we are in fact talking about death, however, those expressions of understanding can easily stray into therapeutic communication for ourselves, too, as a while after one of our own loved ones die it isn't often we get to talk openly about those losses. See what I mean? It isn't meant to be selfish. It's a genuine expression of empathy, but we are so unschooled in how to deal with other's loss effectively...not to mention our own...that we don't always handle these situations appropriately. But I do believe the intention is good.
I think launching into the kind of "lecture" you mention is another way of dealing awkwardly with our discomfort in talking to a grieving person. For some it may be a flat out deflection because of our own discomfort with death, perhaps for others it is like thinking out loud about what we wish people would do/could have done differently because we do think it's a shame they passed away, and for others, it may be a genuine desire to protect the surviving family member. Again, most of the time I think the intentions are good.
I personally would rather have somebody do those things when I'm grieving than make another common and awkward stumble...telling me "It was for the best" or that the person is "with God now", especially if they really don't know me or didn't know the person I'm grieving very well. I've just lost a loved one, and to me those statements presume too much. Another response I don't care for is any version of "let me know if there is anything I can do." Again, the intention is good but it's a pretty empty offering. What I do appreciate is a specific offering or question, like "I know you have a lot going on right now, would you like me to bring you something to eat when you get home?" or from a co-worker, "is there anything I can help you with to lighten the load on your desk/help you meet a deadline?"
Otherwise, I think "I am sorry for your loss" really is enough and most appropriate, maybe with a simple statement that you are welcome to call if you want to talk. A newly bereaved person is pretty overwhelmed, so those simple kindnesses go far enough to show we care.
I personally found it helpful when someone would tell me their loved one died in a similar way to my Mom, as her death was sudden and the cause is not very common. I also found it helpful to talk to friends who had recently lost their mothers for any reason, just because they knew what I was going through.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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I think people want to find a common thread. When one woman is pregnant, every woman she meets has a pregnancy story to share. Same with birth. Every woman will recount the birth of her children to other moms or to a pregnant woman. I think with death, there's also that desire to share similar stories--it gives others something in common with the one who's grieving. It's their way of trying to show them they understand what they're going through.
I have noticed throughout my life, that whenever a person is mourning or grieving, this of course causes some people around them to be uncomfortable. Some people will make another person's grief all about them.
They will say how sorry they are, then launch into a story about a similar loss they experienced. Well, usually that doesn't help. Or if someone died from ill health or cancer, they will launch into a lecture about the type of foods people should eat and the causes and preventions of cancer.
Why do people do this? To me, they do it to make themselves feel better, to find reasons why some people die from other than old age or natural causes, as if it's a fate or outcome that can easily be controlled.
Mainly because no one knows how the person who is grieving is going to react to anything said.
It is an uncomfortable situation for many because it scares the bejeebers out of them and they don't want to admit their own mortality.
I think it's done because of a certain amount of ignorance. They simply don't know any better. When my dad died at age 97, more than one person commented to mother that he'd lived a long, fruitful life. My mother's reaction to that was to say to me, later, do they think that means go ahead and die, you've lived long enough?
I doubt that's what they meant, but, nonetheless, it was irritating for her to hear.
I think people want to find a common thread. When one woman is pregnant, every woman she meets has a pregnancy story to share. Same with birth. Every woman will recount the birth of her children to other moms or to a pregnant woman. I think with death, there's also that desire to share similar stories--it gives others something in common with the one who's grieving. It's their way of trying to show them they understand what they're going through.
Excellent point! While we're on it...it does seem women do the things the OP is talking about much more than men. Women tend to seek commonality with others about more intimate things than men do, so this makes sense.
or they will trivialize what you are experiencing because they experienced more grief than you did so "if I went through it so can you", etc etc.
It's irritating, but again, I think the intention is generally good. Not meant to be trivialization as much as a kind of encouragement. Even people who are prone to one-upsmanship may, at heart, just be trying to comfort the bereaved. Their personality/bad habits may just get in the way of more appropriate expression.
i see what youre saying. and yes you are right those who do it often are competitive types
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