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I never turn my phone off, in case my kids need me. If my dad did call on those days, I would want to take his call. I stopped answering when I see it's these relatives, so they send texts, which I don't respond to.
Good for you. That's the best way to handle it, IMO. You can't control them but you can control how you respond--or choose not to respond. It sounds as though your mother was a wonderful person who had a strong impact on your life, and the fact that you mourn her so deeply says a lot about her and about you. And you respect and take care of your dad. It sounds to me as if it's others who have problems and are not quite so advanced.
Three years ago my mother died after a long illness, and short, traumatic hospitalization. I was the only child who lived nearby, so I had the daily dealings with the hospital, and then making sure my dad was doing OK. (My parents were married 45 years.) We called or texted daily and I attended several social events with him and his friends, until he was up to going on his own. Over time we started speaking once a week or so. He has a busy schedule now and doesn't always call back. I like spending time with my dad, but I'm also happy to see him doing well on his own.
My problem is with a couple members of my family. If Dad happens to talk to them when he's having a bad day, I get a call telling me I need to call more often, or visit more. It's worse on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. Most of them I would call Dad anyway, but I can't bring myself to call on Mom's birthday, their wedding anniversary, or the anniversary of her death. I always call the day after to check in. Dad understands those days are difficult for me, and waits to hear from me. These family members contact me for every single significant date, telling me I need to remember to call my dad. My two out of state brothers don't get these calls and texts. Because of these people, I get guilt and anger piled onto already difficult days. I realize my dad lost his wife, why can't these people realize I also lost my mom? My dad is absolutely not the problem, and I'll always do whatever I can for him.
Has anybody else run into this? I don't respond to these calls and texts anymore because I can't stand it. I think I'm just venting.
Well, vent all you want.
When my late boyfriend died, I felt like my grief didn't really count much either.
All the focus was on his parents because after all, nothing is more painful than losing a child. That statement might be true, I often wonder though, how can you possibly compare or quantify pain. Pain is pain.
I wanted to ask his parents some questions regarding my late boyfriend, and his relatives told me "Maybe you shouldn't disturb them right now." Even on Valentine's day, I was reminded to "remember to call his parents." On Christmas, "Remember to send them a gift and let them know you were thinking about them." Not ONE time, people called me on those special holiday and asked me how was I doing.
I learned from grief counseling that grief is an individual and lonely journey. I think I finally realized what that really meant.
Well, vent all you want.
When my late boyfriend died, I felt like my grief didn't really count much either.
All the focus was on his parents because after all, nothing is more painful than losing a child. That statement might be true, I often wonder though, how can you possibly compare or quantify pain. Pain is pain.
I wanted to ask his parents some questions regarding my late boyfriend, and his relatives told me "Maybe you shouldn't disturb them right now." Even on Valentine's day, I was reminded to "remember to call his parents." On Christmas, "Remember to send them a gift and let them know you were thinking about them." Not ONE time, people called me on those special holiday and asked me how was I doing.
I learned from grief counseling that grief is an individual and lonely journey. I think I finally realized what that really meant.
well, hang in there, at least you are not alone.
That is sad. Your grief is just as painful.
I read an article some years ago about how the grief of people who lost a sibling as children was often dismissed in favor of the parents. The kids don't always get the proper attention and the opportunity to mourn properly. Their parents aren't always strong enough to think of the remaining children's needs, and other relatives just admonish the kids not to make things "worse" for the parents. It was very sad. Many of them carry unresolved grief into adulthood.
I myself had difficulties as a child of six when a same-age cousin died. I knew she was sick but I didn't know what leukemia was or that her death was a possibility until it happened. My mother was sobbing as if it was her kid when she told me, and then she ran to the phone to make calls and let other relatives know that my cousin was dead. Meanwhile, I went into my room and with great strength, willed myself not to cry because I didn't want to act like a baby (kids got yelled at for crying too much in my family). It came back to bite me. For a long time afterward, I felt like God was just waiting to get me, too, and I thought this dark thing (like death, I guess) was following me around waiting to snatch me. I learned to hide it and buried the memories of how I felt when my cousin died, but I had to address it as an adult.
Someone's grief should not trump another person's.
Your Dad understands that is all that is necessary.
The other family members that are "guilting" you, that is your fault because you are allowing them to "guilt" you.
Tell them to mind their business and leave you alone, that topic is not open for discussion or their opinions.
I would text them the day before those difficult times and express what a hard time you are having and how it is so nice to have their support. It could be the same text for all of them.
Wow, why is everyone being so nice to these overbearing jerks? They're going to keep calling and texting like that until you tell them to stop. The next time they do this, tell them that you are dealing with your own grief and that THEY should call your dad. If you've got the guts (which I doubt), you really should also tell them that they are certainly not in a position to dictate to you how to interact with your own father. Then hang up and be done with the nonsense.
Even on Valentine's day, I was reminded to "remember to call his parents." On Christmas, "Remember to send them a gift and let them know you were thinking about them." Not ONE time, people called me on those special holiday and asked me how was I doing.
I learned from grief counseling that grief is an individual and lonely journey. I think I finally realized what that really meant.
well, hang in there, at least you are not alone.
I'm sorry you've been treated this way. This is EXACTLY what's happened! Like with you, not once have they asked how I'm doing. I think they also have no idea how often my dad and I call or text.
With one of the relatives, I never even hear from her, except for these texts, and I only see her once every year or two, when she's visiting my dad. Now that I've moved out of state I have no idea when I may see her next.
With the current situation, its easier to ignore the messages, than to make it an issue. I'm lucky to have the support of my immediate family.
My condolences for the loss of your mother. I'm sorry your family is complicating your grieving process.
I see separate issues here that need to be considered individually. There's the matter of your grief being "forgotten", and the matter of your relatives' expectations of you.
Regarding your relatives' consideration of your grief:
Are these relatives close to your father's age? That could explain a lot. They may be relating more to the experience/idea of losing a spouse at this point in their lives, and/or may just relate better to him than to you because he's their contemporary. They may be particularly concerned since your dad is male, too, because men tend to (1) be a little more "lost" and isolated when their spouse passes away, and (2) are less likely to reach out and/or express things. Your relatives may also be more worried about him because's he's on his own now, and possibly see your husband and kids as a strong and ready support system for you so they don't feel the same need for concern. If they expressed appropriate condolences immediately after the death, they may mistakenly (though with no deliberate intention of disregarding you) feel that was sufficient. They may not even realize that it's still hard for you to call on certain days.
Regarding your relatives' expectations of you:
If the relatives are older, you may also be getting the brunt of the pressure because you are female...not to mention that you are established as the go-to person since you were so involved with matters before the loss. Remember that women are traditionally seen as the nurturers in the family, the more available, and the more compassionate/expressive. That's just the order older people know. Since they also know younger generations look at many things differently, their pressure might just be concern that you could be underestimating your father's needs as they perceive them. Since they're not local, they may not see how well he's actually doing.
I think the relatives need to back off and trust that you have it handled, but I don't think they're necessarily jerks, just a little overbearing. I could be wrong, but it's worth considering.
If the relatives aren't older...so much for my insights. And I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset by the situation. Just trying to point out some likely contributors.
Last edited by Slithytoves; 10-09-2013 at 11:43 AM..
Just a thought . . . get on the offensive and a few days b/f any particular time the pushy relatives are likely to contact you -- YOU send THEM a text or email (whatever works) and remind them that "xx is coming up and it would be so nice if you would write/call/send a card (whatever). I know it would mean a lot to him."
Or get even more persistent and tell them EXACTLY what they can do, such as "It would mean so much if you would send him a large fruit basket, which can be ordered from XXX." Or . . . "He has been talking about taking a trip, so I know it would really mean a lot if you sent him a new set of luggage." Or . . . "It would mean so much if you could pay for a maid service to come to his home that week."
I suspect after getting a few of these messages, folks will butt out.
I am sorry that family members so often get focused on orchestrating other people's behavior. Sadly, it is not uncommon.
You deserve some respect about your own grief and how you are dealing with your own very personal loss . . . but some folks are too self-involved to stop and think about such matters.
Just a thought . . . get on the offensive and a few days b/f any particular time the pushy relatives are likely to contact you -- YOU send THEM a text or email (whatever works) and remind them that "xx is coming up and it would be so nice if you would write/call/send a card (whatever). I know it would mean a lot to him."
Or get even more persistent and tell them EXACTLY what they can do, such as "It would mean so much if you would send him a large fruit basket, which can be ordered from XXX." Or . . . "He has been talking about taking a trip, so I know it would really mean a lot if you sent him a new set of luggage." Or . . . "It would mean so much if you could pay for a maid service to come to his home that week."
I suspect after getting a few of these messages, folks will butt out.
I am sorry that family members so often get focused on orchestrating other people's behavior. Sadly, it is not uncommon.
You deserve some respect about your own grief and how you are dealing with your own very personal loss . . . but some folks are too self-involved to stop and think about such matters.
Good advice!
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On Christmas, "Remember to send them a gift and let them know you were thinking about them." Not ONE time, people called me on those special holiday and asked me how was I doing.
