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Old 10-09-2013, 12:46 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,031,561 times
Reputation: 16701

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Strange feelings. A lot of sadness for what wasn't, for the anger he always carried with him, and for what was. I regret not having told him I was sorry for my part in the demise of our relationship even knowing he would not have accepted it. Some things in life and death are not about him. 28 years of marriage, 2 years dating before that - big chunk of my life.

I feel sad that he estranged himself from his children and grandchildren and I ache for my children's pain.

My husband is the most wonderful man, allowing me my grief, understanding, holding me throughout the night and just being there for me.
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Old 10-09-2013, 01:08 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,322,300 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
Strange feelings. A lot of sadness for what wasn't, for the anger he always carried with him, and for what was. I regret not having told him I was sorry for my part in the demise of our relationship even knowing he would not have accepted it. Some things in life and death are not about him. 28 years of marriage, 2 years dating before that - big chunk of my life.

I feel sad that he estranged himself from his children and grandchildren and I ache for my children's pain.

My husband is the most wonderful man, allowing me my grief, understanding, holding me throughout the night and just being there for me.
Hugs to you my friend!

Your sadness and grief are very understandable, and I'm sorry for your pain

You have pegged it perfectly - the sadness "for what wasn't, and for what was" - sigh.
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Old 10-09-2013, 01:19 PM
 
25,619 posts, read 36,509,148 times
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Ok bigman crying overhere....


My wife's parents divorced after 25 years of marriage and nine kids. She has not had meaningful contact with him since she was 10. Eventhough we live in the same city. Except for the two oldest he doesn't communicate with any of his kids. She has tried to make contact with him several times, each time being rebuked. It is horribly painful for her and does nothing but solicit frustrated anger in me as all I can do is comfort her when the pain surfaces. I'd die before I shunned our kids.

One time I had to control myself from confronting him when we saw him in a store. Looked right at my wife and locked eyes for a couple of seconds, turned and walked out without saying anything. Honestly the only time in my life I have really wanted to end someone's life with just my bare hands.

Sorry for your pain.
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Old 10-09-2013, 01:27 PM
 
Location: Location: Location
6,727 posts, read 9,891,938 times
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Condolences to you and to your children, Annie. I've been in the same place and I can understand.

I'm glad you have someone who will comfort you.
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:22 PM
 
Location: galaxy far far away
3,110 posts, read 5,360,086 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
Strange feelings. A lot of sadness for what wasn't, for the anger he always carried with him, and for what was. I regret not having told him I was sorry for my part in the demise of our relationship even knowing he would not have accepted it. Some things in life and death are not about him. 28 years of marriage, 2 years dating before that - big chunk of my life.

I feel sad that he estranged himself from his children and grandchildren and I ache for my children's pain.

My husband is the most wonderful man, allowing me my grief, understanding, holding me throughout the night and just being there for me.
Sending you hugs as well. I lost someone from whom I was estranged for many years. I had tried to make amends but he was simply not going to budge. He returned letters unopened and was just hardened to any reconciliation.

If it helps, I'll share what helped me after he died. First I wrote a really long letter and poured everything out - the anger, pain, guilt, recriminations, love, forgiveness and all of it. Then I took it outside to the firepit and said a prayer over it. I set it on fire and watched the smoke and flames take it to God to handle. After that, I pulled two chairs and sat them facing each other. I sat in one and closed my eyes. I pretended he was in the other chair and I had a conversation with him in my head. I said everything that was still hanging around in my head after writing the letter. I imagined him smiling back at me and saying he understood, he heard me, and he forgave me. I forgave him, told him I loved him, and imagined him being lifted up into the clouds. I blessed him on his way and then cried for awhile. Then I went and took a shower to wash all of it away.

To this day I feel fine about all of it. I don't know what his life purpose was or why he came into my life. I just know that I was able to cut the cords that bound us into this unhealthy state before he passed on. It's all a mystery, and I suppose when we die we'll figure it out -- or not.

The most important thing is to not let the past destroy your present or your future.
Blessings.
RC
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Old 10-09-2013, 06:43 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,031,561 times
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Thank you all. It's been a really weird day. Grieving yet not. I'm just going with the flow - no recriminations, no guilt, just sadness.
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Old 10-09-2013, 06:55 PM
 
Location: Gaston, South Carolina
15,704 posts, read 9,414,309 times
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I can't pretend to know what you are feeling, but major props to your husband!
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
My husband is the most wonderful man, allowing me my grief, understanding, holding me throughout the night and just being there for me.
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Old 10-09-2013, 09:13 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,019 posts, read 83,846,650 times
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I am sorry to hear this, NYAnnie. I think I would feel the same way if my ex died. This is someone who was part of your life, part of you. Thinking of you.
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Old 10-10-2013, 12:08 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,666 posts, read 60,237,699 times
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Your husband sounds like a real winner.

I sometimes imagine what it would feel like to hear that my ex husband had died (he's had some health issues). I guess I try to emotionally prepare myself so I can try to do and say the right thing for my kids, who he's always treated like crap but who always yearn for their dad's love. I also wonder what my husband would feel like if his ex wife died - they were married for 17 years and though he can't stand her, she is the mother of his son.

I think if I outlive him, that I will be sad for him, sad for his kids, sad for the emotional life of his that was perpetually miserable. I mean, that's just a sad legacy, you know? And what you said about being sad for what wasn't really resonates. I imagine it's like being sad all over again for all the lost hopes and dreams, sort of like divorce without the bitterness.

I am very sorry for your pain and for your childrens' pain as well. What Cowgirl said made a lot of sense to me. Maybe you need a little ritual, something for closure, and a way to say goodbye with dignity even if that wasn't possible during his lifetime. After all, I believe that wherever he is, he has a fuller understanding of the whole situation including your part in it, and I bet he already knows your regrets and sadness...and it's OK. Just my thoughts on it.
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Old 10-10-2013, 05:28 AM
 
361 posts, read 734,288 times
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Been there too... so your feelings resonate.
After I got over my anger, was able to reach out...
We became friends again and spoke each week.
I still miss him ... his widow and I keep in touch.
Awesome that your husband supports you in your grief.
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