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Please do not be too judgemental. Everyone grieves in their own way. Give them time.
I completely agree with you. Unfortunately, more often than not, people do "judge".
For example, how many times we heard people say, "It has been three weeks, three months, three years, why are you still grieving?"
They fail to understand that grief is a very individual and lonely journey. The everyday reality of life without our loved ones can only be lived, one agonizing moment at a time.
Sometimes, I think it is better to limit who we spend time with while going through grief. I know folks say - surround yourself with friends and family - but for me, personally (and this may not be the same for everyone!) - I really don't want to hear the platitudes, even if they are offered with the most sincere of intentions. And I sure don't want to hear what someone else thinks is "too long." Of course, if I were to ASK, that would be different, but the unsolicited judgements are not helpful. So I just prefer being around folks who either don't know my circumstances or who I can more or less keep at a distance.
I know that isn't what is comfortable for everyone - but it really doesn't help to have people in my life who keep scorecards.
I find that I do alone time much better than social time. I have to work through my grief at my own pace. My journey is mine alone to endure and I am experiencing a whole new life with twists and turns, ups and downs, and although at times it is a challenge, it makes me stronger. I am not ready to let go of my husband entirely, I talk to him out load daily.
I am coming into my own and it is going to take time before I will feel whole again, experience the happiness I had in life.
For now, I grief, perhaps tomorrow I will be in a different place, I take one day at a time.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smilinpretty
I find that I do alone time much better than social time. I have to work through my grief at my own pace. My journey is mine alone to endure and I am experiencing a whole new life with twists and turns, ups and downs, and although at times it is a challenge, it makes me stronger. I am not ready to let go of my husband entirely, I talk to him out load daily.
I am coming into my own and it is going to take time before I will feel whole again, experience the happiness I had in life.
For now, I grief, perhaps tomorrow I will be in a different place, I take one day at a time.
I'm not ready to let go either. I was thinking about how I grieved for the people I've lost, and I realized the only person I've really been able to scream, cry, get angry with and hate, then love during grief was my dad. When my mom died in January 1989, I immediately went into "caretaker" mode for my dad. That put my grief on hold because I was taking care of him. But when he died eight months later, I wasn't a caretaker or decision maker for him, so I was able to experience the full range of grief.
When Bob died, again, I was caretaker as I had my son still living with me and I felt I had to be strong for everyone during the service and then during the holidays a month later. After the holidays came the settling of the estate, selling the law practice, the house, moving to AZ and all sorts of things for the next two years. By then, I had stuffed my grief so far down, it hasn't been able to come back up. Just the thought of him makes cry; seeing his picture, hearing his voice on my voicemail, reading his cards to me, or just about anything and I get a horrible lump in my throat and tears well up in my eyes. When that happens, I stuff it down again. I hope that I can let myself cry and feel the grief, but it'll be four years at the end of the month, and I've just gotten used to stuffing my feelings down, like I did for my mom. I'm still waiting to grieve for her 25 years later....
My oldest son died in 1987 at the age of 19. 26 years later I wonder what could have been. I also speak to him out loud everyday. I have been blessed with three sons and now I have two to worry about. The two are doing fine and are on their own now. But I still worry.
I completely agree with you. Unfortunately, more often than not, people do "judge".
For example, how many times we heard people say, "It has been three weeks, three months, three years, why are you still grieving?"
They fail to understand that grief is a very individual and lonely journey.
You're right...or they figure because you're not crying or carrying on you're not grieving..far from the truth. Some people show their grief more than others.
Please do not be too judgemental. Everyone grieves in their own way. Give them time.
I agree that resolution of grief takes time, and that the timeline varies from person to person, and loss to loss. At the same time, there's judgment, and there's genuine concern. Some grieving entails genuine dysfunction and I think it's okay for someone to be concerned about another whose grieving seems unusually protracted and/or has unhealthy aspects. I respect people's right to grieve in their own way, but I also don't want to see them mired in it, unproductively.
I've suffered judgment during my grief over the loss of a pet, and it sucked. It was a bird, and some of my loved ones couldn't relate. So I do know what judgment feels like. Had I become stuck in it, however, I would have welcomed some concern and gentle encouragement.
Some people don't realize when their grieving has become dysfunctional, so I would say that if someone says something, the grieving person should listen and not judge, either. There may be something to what the person is saying. Grieving is ultimately as much about growth as it is about loss. It is a lonely process in many ways, but at the same time, it should not be an entirely isolated one. That's where a lot of dysfunction occurs. When a person is grieving, time stops in many respects. Sometimes people around you just want to make sure you're not frozen. They may see it before you do.
My oldest son died in 1987 at the age of 19. 26 years later I wonder what could have been. I also speak to him out loud everyday. I have been blessed with three sons and now I have two to worry about. The two are doing fine and are on their own now. But I still worry.
Of course you do. That doesn't sound unhealthy at all, as long as your worry isn't excessive or impeding your relationships with your surviving children.
The loss of a child is so horrific and so not the way things are supposed to be. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Thank you. I am fine and so are my two surviving sons. The only time I was 'out of control' was for the two years after he passed away.
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