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One of the troubles my BF talks about often is how she figured out who her friends really were when her husband died.
I hear often (I'm a fan of widow boards, meet-ups, and social widow groups) from widows a lot of anger toward family and friends for various reasons, some of them being not understanding the true pain and loneliness, not being there when the widow needed them, anger for the things their friends said...
but one thing that stands out and is repetitive in my research is that the friend doesn't call or come by anymore.
I want to know from you, what things stand out about your friends during your grief? I also want to know if you had positive experiences with your friends, what details did you encounter that made them stand out and be so unique? Good, bad, ugly, I want to hear as much as you will share.
Hi kat well i was a young widow I was 35 and one thing that stood out in my mind was when my aunt patted my hand and said "Oh dear not to worry you will find someone else " UGH , excuse me do you think that is an appropriate thing to say ? really ... Now on the helpful side the ladies in my church group brought all kinds of food I remember not having to cook for weeks and believe me when i say I was in no shape to cook or do much else . My husbands death was very sudden and it was unexpected . I never got to say goodbye he was killed by a driver while out jogging . One of the worst things to ever happen to me besides being stabbed and almost dying .
I'm with phonelady61 - the worst (stupidest) thing said what "oh, it's OK, you're young & will get married again" maybe the stupidity of this comment help me in some weird way.
Best thing was a guy I knew simply saying "you're not the first one to lose their spouse"
I also became babysitter, since people figured I "didn't want to be alone"
prior to my husband (i've long since remarried) dying, his grandmother passed away...grandparents had been real fun people. My BIL said he didn't like to visit grandpa because it depressed him. That comment stuck with me when family/friends avoided me.
For me, my whole life as I knew it was gone. Being a Care-giver for seven years, I wasn't able to develope friendships, we were new to area. Left with my two dogs and I, I found I had to develop new roles in my life and wear different hats. All kinds of people slamming the door into my face, but when a door closes I find another opens.
All kinds of first times and I have learned to trust no one but myself. Honor thyself. No one will honor me but ME. Expectations from others? None. I move forward in my life and I am slowly developing into the person that fits me. I can't be there for anyone but myself. I try not to look backward but forward and "smile" often. Hey, what are the options?
For me, my whole life as I knew it was gone. Being a Care-giver for seven years, I wasn't able to develope friendships, we were new to area. Left with my two dogs and I, I found I had to develop new roles in my life and wear different hats. All kinds of people slamming the door into my face, but when a door closes I find another opens.
All kinds of first times and I have learned to trust no one but myself. Honor thyself. No one will honor me but ME. Expectations from others? None. I move forward in my life and I am slowly developing into the person that fits me. I can't be there for anyone but myself. I try not to look backward but forward and "smile" often. Hey, what are the options?
I have read smillins posts and agree with her. Being a long time caregiver changes us. So I won't be like smillin feels and she will be different than me. Now that I am older, I have begun to value my remaining years very guardedly. But she has the right idea of going forward. She and several posters on here have helped me in that respect.
People have said things to me that really hurt, but I passed it over as them never having the relationship that my wife and I did, so really I pity them for it. They sure missed a good life. IMHO
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I was 57 when my husband died suddenly of a heart attack at 59, six days before his 60th birthday. I was out of town, opening up our "snowbird" condo in Tucson, so I didn't get to say goodbye, although we talked into the wee hours of the night telling each other how much we loved each other and eager to see each other. Friends were there to help with planning the service, arranging for food, and so on, but once the funeral was over, so were they. I stayed in town, at our house for three months, and not one call. Nothing. I decided to sell the house and move to our vacation condo in Tucson. I started over and am doing well. I didn't get to grieve for almost 2 1/2 years, so these past months have been really hard on me as delayed grief is settling in and taking over....it's definitely hard.
I was 57 when my husband died suddenly of a heart attack at 59, six days before his 60th birthday. I was out of town, opening up our "snowbird" condo in Tucson, so I didn't get to say goodbye, although we talked into the wee hours of the night telling each other how much we loved each other and eager to see each other. Friends were there to help with planning the service, arranging for food, and so on, but once the funeral was over, so were they. I stayed in town, at our house for three months, and not one call. Nothing. I decided to sell the house and move to our vacation condo in Tucson. I started over and am doing well. I didn't get to grieve for almost 2 1/2 years, so these past months have been really hard on me as delayed grief is settling in and taking over....it's definitely hard.
Thank you for your heartfelt posts Marcy. You and I are so much alike. Just curious, but why did you say you didn't get to grieve for almost 2 1/2 years? I don't remember that part of your story.
Delayed grief....I wonder if that will hit me too. I can certainly understand though.
I was a widow at 29...long ago before the age of the internet. I had a couple of friends who stuck by my side, but I noticed in general that people treated me very differently. I worked for a large company in a small town, so I had lots of interaction with people. Some were distant, some outright avoided me. I came to realize that they didn't have any idea how to relate to me or what to say to me. It wasn't personal - it was them not being able to deal with it.
Fast forward 25 years and a coworker friend lost her husband suddenly to a heart attack. I attended a memorial gathering for him and I took both she and her adult daughter aside and told them what to expect. I told them that people would ignore them or "walk on eggshells" around them and not to let it bother them - those people didn't know how to cope with it.
A couple of months later she came up to me and said how much she appreciated me telling her that. She even joked that there was still one coworker who completely avoided her! She said it would have bothered her a lot more had I not warned her in advance.
I found that people who can't relate simply didn't know what to do or say. I also found that once you've been through it, you are one of the few who can relate and I've tried my best to reach out to anyone grieving when I can. Just saying I'm sorry your hurting and lending an ear means an awful lot.
Anger is part of the grieving process, but being angry at friends and family who don't behave the way you expect doesn't really help you. Sometimes you have to be blunt with them and tell them what you want or need. My closest friends respected the fact that I needed to cry a lot and instead of trying to comfort me, they just stocked up on kleenex and cried with me. It was really very therapeutic!
I am not a widow but wanted to say that Moonlady is so right about this whole thing.
I lost my mom in a plane crash and the most helpful comment to me was-the phone will quit ringing after the funeral-how right they were.
I had to take a hard look at myself and realize that my grieving was very difficult to be around. People just could not relate to my situation.
Now if anyone around me loses a loved one suddenly or has to bury a child, I issue a warning so to speak. People will say stupid things-treat you different-avoid you completely. This is just part of the process.
I had what is referred to antisipatory grief. My husband was diagonsed with a glioblastoma brain tumor almost a year ago. March 9th is the day I feel I lost him. As I saw him decline I also declined. I was well on my way to a nervous breakdown, and it did not help to have a SIL who screamed and ranted at me when (through advise from Hospice) I felt the only way I could cope was to have him stay in a wonderful facility for 5 days while I got myself back together. I was his caregiver at night--some help during the day. Because I knew it would cause a terrible rift in the family--BTW, SIL was in several states away and had no idea what I was going thru, I decided to not follow thru with that plan.
But during this time I had people all over the place. Friends and neighbors and husbands co workers coming by with food, some taking care of yard work. They were all wonderful.
Well Bob died in September just one week after his 65th birthday. The calls and visit started to dwindle. Now calls from some of those who were most helpful have pretty much ceased altogether. I asked one friend who was there to help with the financial end, to go over my tax info that I need to get together soon (this is one of the things that gives me the most overwhelming anxety). He is now retired himself, and his wife, my good friend said that he is going to the gym now and will check to see if he has the time Right then and there I knew things had changed.
When someone does call and ask how I am doing I say pretty good. But the offers of help are few and far between. I cannot fault them...they have their lives. What I do know is that when it is their turn I know for sure what is needed and I will try my best to be there for them.We have to live through it to really know how to react.
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