U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-03-2013, 02:56 PM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,613 posts, read 7,822,283 times
Reputation: 7508

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by smilinpretty View Post

Grief doesn't have a time table, we all grieve differently. Just as CA mentions we are not "clones" or "carbon copies" and I would not want anyone offering me advice of what to do and how to do it, I had too many "fixers" out there. People wanting to fix me. Yuck. I am grieving, I am not broken and need to be fixed. I can't tell you how many people told me that I have to volunteer. Huh, volunteer? With what energy?
This is especially a hard time on your mother, go gently and softly, if you are compelled to visit her. You sound a like a son every woman would love to have. Bless you.
^^^THIS!

Dad passed Sept. 12 2013 unexpectedly. Mom and I were crushed. I call her every night at seven. The first ten months we were on auto pilot. Through good friends and keeping in touch we finally turned the corner and relearned how to live.
Her friends kept in careful contact, taking her out occasionally. For Thanksgiving she went to a large family friends spread. The two of them used to fly up every year up here, they had a B&B they loved to stay at (1BR house, ours). It was so sad not to make that reservation last year.
Does she have friends she is close to? Or has she been holed up alone this whole time?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-03-2013, 03:01 PM
 
10,608 posts, read 13,400,793 times
Reputation: 17163
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
Runswithscissors, it doesn't sound like you're a widow, or that you know how a widow, or an older mom, would react. Those of us who are widows with adult kids and grandkids will often say, "I'm okay. I'll be fine. Please don't come visit.", but what we're really saying is, "I'm doing the best I can. I hope it will get better. Please don't go out of your way for me."

We don't want our kids to do something special just for us because we don't think we're special, or for them to give up their time for us because we know they're busy with their own families, and we tend to think more of them than we do of ourselves. You're answer that "OMG I'd have a fit" shows that you're only thinking of you, and not what your kids might want to do for you out of love and concern for you in light of losing your husband, best friend and the person you devoted your life to. When you're a widow, you don't think of yourself, but of everyone else, instead. That's what Sparks's mom is doing.
Quote:
tamiznluv: Are you a widow, runswithscissors? Is that the way you treated or will treat your kids if they want to comfort you? Do you need to "act" with your own family? Mom may need another good cry on the shoulder of her son.
I love the internet. If someone is "different" than some others, the "others" take it upon themselves to finger wag and make presumptions. complete with cute little after the fact.

Interesting, one brother sees the mother weekly but the mother doesn't want the OP brother to visit. The one who hasn't been able to make the journey in 10 months. About a Ten hours max drive? I guess for some ~strange reason the closer son is completely incapable of articulating what's going on out there to his brother? Or facilitating it. Or...something?

That's so cute the internet knows EXACTLY what's going on there. Especially after having visited his family in Spring.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-03-2013, 03:31 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,465 posts, read 18,172,971 times
Reputation: 18841
Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors View Post
I love the internet. If someone is "different" than some others, the "others" take it upon themselves to finger wag and make presumptions. complete with cute little after the fact.

Interesting, one brother sees the mother weekly but the mother doesn't want the OP brother to visit. The one who hasn't been able to make the journey in 10 months. About a Ten hours max drive? I guess for some ~strange reason the closer son is completely incapable of articulating what's going on out there to his brother? Or facilitating it. Or...something?

That's so cute the internet knows EXACTLY what's going on there. Especially after having visited his family in Spring.
You weren't the only one to say "not go" to Sparks. A couple of "us" wanted to know if you are a widow since your post was soooo cold hearted. Since you didn't answer, I take it you are not. My was because I did not want at that moment to say you were cold hearted and wrong. So now you attack Sparks' sincerity?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-03-2013, 04:21 PM
 
Location: Hays, Kansas
165 posts, read 107,703 times
Reputation: 90
I can resolve this one. As the creator of this thread, I knew I would get differing opinions. I knew that I would agree with some and disagree with others. Never the less, I have valued all of the differing points of view.

Opinions are under the sole ownership of the person that created the opinion. Their opinion is theirs. Each person is shaped to be who they are based on their life experiences. Their opinion is correct based on the person they have become. Opinions are NOT wrong. They may not agree with yours but never the less they are not wrong. The only person with the ability to change their opinion is the one that created it to begin with.

In creating this thread I knew I would get diversification of opinions..........that is what I wanted so please respect my wishes.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-03-2013, 04:29 PM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,613 posts, read 7,822,283 times
Reputation: 7508
Does she have friends she is close to? Or has she been holed up alone this whole time?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-03-2013, 04:33 PM
 
Location: Hays, Kansas
165 posts, read 107,703 times
Reputation: 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by CCc girl View Post
Does she have friends she is close to? Or has she been holed up alone this whole time?
Mom has never been an overly social person. She has a sister n law (also a widow) that lives in the same town. An Aunt that is 92 in a nearby home. She visits with neighbors on a fairly limited basis. Two sisters that come do something with her every month or two.
In short, she is alone a lot more than otherwise. She has complained of being bored and when she is bored she gets sad because her mind wonders and she starts thinking about dad.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-03-2013, 05:09 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles>Little Rock>Houston>Little Rock
6,488 posts, read 6,609,526 times
Reputation: 17329
In Nov. 2001 my husband passed away of a sudden illness. Our son was only 8 at the time and it was two weeks before Thanksgiving. It was so shocking and sudden that none of us knew what to do. Thanksgiving came and I sent my son to spend it with his cousins at my sister's house. I spent the holiday alone and was thankful for that time. By the time Christmas rolled around I was so inundated with family I couldn't escape and eventually just accepted it and cooked the family Christmas dinner for 18 people.

Was I into it? No. Did I want to just crawl off into a corner and die? Yes. But my family pulled me out of my despair even though I did not want them to do so. It worked. I was able to help my little son enjoy his Christmas and that made it so that I could enjoy mine.

I don't know if some tough love would be helpful in your situation, but I am just telling you what happened to me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-03-2013, 06:01 PM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,613 posts, read 7,822,283 times
Reputation: 7508
Sparks, she needs to be needed. She was but is no more. Keeping busy was a tremendous help pulling my mother along. Maybe you could host Thanksgiving, and het her to come because she always did it best and you need her help and experience?

The first six months are crucial. Since she has made it past that I feel she has a good chance at moving on.

Is she close to her SIL? Do they do things/get together often? That would be a big help. I'm sure they were/are grieving together. That may have helped, too.

The fallout after losing your SO is draining. Death certificates, changing accounts, deeds, probate can be exhausting. It's a huge PITA and we're still dealing with it after over a year.

Keeping them engaged is the trick. They need purpose, a reason to go on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-03-2013, 08:25 PM
 
Location: East Coast
2,878 posts, read 4,395,226 times
Reputation: 4180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparks69 View Post
From my perspective (I hope this doesn't sound callus) I have known since I was a small child that someday my loved ones would die. I knew that some day I would die. When my dad passed away, I was obviously very upset. I grieved for about 2 months and that was it. I accepted this is part of life and now I need to continue on with mine. I miss my dad but I don't grieve any longer.
I can obviously tell that my mom is the exact opposite. The pain she has is just as fresh as it was 10 months ago. She will cry almost every time that we speak on the phone.
Your mother has lost her life partner...the man she loved and lived with for however many years they were married. Most people don't get over something like that in two months. (I speak with some authority, as I've been widowed myself.) Your mother's sadness and loneliness is VERY normal.

The entire first year for a widowed person can be very difficult as all the "firsts" without that person come up: the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first holidays, the first anniversary of their loved one's death. I've known widowed people who said that the second year after the death was worse, due to the reality of the loss setting in.

Please have some compassion for your mother, despite the fact that her feelings of grief are very different from your own. For many of us who have been widowed, grieving takes time...LOTS of time. And there are no shortcuts, so please don't try to rush her along. Unless she is becoming suicidal, or overly dependent on meds and/or alcohol, I think you should let your mother mourn in her own way and in her own time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-04-2013, 12:37 AM
 
Location: Mayacama Mtns in CA
14,523 posts, read 7,369,001 times
Reputation: 11302
Sparks, I'm not a widow but my beloved only daughter has died, so I'm well acquainted with overwhelming grief and needing to learn to live in it and through it and in spite of it.

There need not be a timetable for the grieving process; everyone learns to live in and thru it in his own way, and with any love and support given them. Being that this is still the first year, why ~ your mother is undoubtedly still in at least some shock, perhaps a lot of shock along with the grief and sorrow. I mean that heavy, relentless knowledge of the new reality which is never going to change and it feels like it will never get better. I can remember feeling like I couldn't actually get from that one moment to the next. It was all too painful, it's an agony of spirit, the dark night of the soul.

So it's my thinking that she needs to be with you, even though she can't consciously realize or articulate it. Part of it may be that she's worried she will bring everybody down, because of the expectations she's placed on herself. (You just know a mother is always wanting to have everything fine for her children and undoubtedly this is true for your mother.)

Find a way to tell her you expect nothing of her, but that you do desire the honor of her presence with you, no matter how she's feeling. She doesn't have to do anything but to be in the moment, no matter how she's feeling in that moment. This is what she would do for you, is it not?

I'm so sorry for your loss, as well. I see from your writing that you have faith and I understand from my own life how important this is. I hope your mother doesn't feel if she bears this sorrow in a certain way that she's lacking in faith or something. That needn't be an issue at all.

You wrote:
Quote:
The pain she has is just as fresh as it was 10 months ago. She will cry almost every time that we speak on the phone.
I just want to say I think this is not surprising or unwarranted. I would break down every single time I spoke with family members for the longest time. But I soon came to know exactly when & with whom I felt safe in letting myself be honest with how I feeling at the time. Be your mother's safe haven, that place and person where she can just be however she is, in that moment. That's one of the greatest gifts you can give her from now on.

I'm sure you know a lot of this, but sometimes it's good to hear it from someone else, yes? I honour you for your love and respect for your mother and how seriously you're seeking to do just that very best thing for her.

Please forgive and ignore me if I have in any way been hurtful in anything I've written. My intention is to help if possible. I'm open for further conversation if it will be somehow helpful.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top