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My 78 year old mom is mentally ill and struggling to care for my dad with Alz. her 74 year old brother killed himself on Friday.
I don't yet know if there were extenuating circumstances. Like, he got a terminal diagnosis of cancer and decided not to fight it. That is the only extenuating circumstance I can find acceptable.
I am really really angry that he felt his burdens were greater than he could bear, and greater than the needs of his lovely wife, two great sons with two wives, three grandchildren, not to mention his sister and two nephews who were orphaned when my other uncle died at age 50. How dare he decide to leave his family to pick up the pieces? What a cop out!
My mom didn't even like him that much (he was daddy's favorite) but they shared a past and could talk about their history in shorthand and understand each other perfectly. She used to have a huge extended family. She still hasn't recovered from her mother's death 44 years ago and feels every family loss very deeply.
I'm not even sad about it because I barely knew my uncle and at 74...you know, he could have dropped from a heart attack and we would have said "Well, he had a good run" but now we just get to think about how he figured being dead was better than whatever he had here.
Thank you for letting me vent. This doesn't even have much to do with caregiving but my mom has been so difficult to work with (broke her kneecap in the spring and a vertebrae last month, refused any in home care) and now we have this extra wrinkle. What's next?
He obviously did not want to burden his family nor did he choose to live thru the pain of his perceived future. My brother in law committed suicide about 8 years ago. He had health and legal issues. We all understood and forgave him within hours of finding his body. It has been something we accepted as his solution.
He obviously did not want to burden his family nor did he choose to live thru the pain of his perceived future. My brother in law committed suicide about 8 years ago. He had health and legal issues. We all understood and forgave him within hours of finding his body. It has been something we accepted as his solution.
But that is my point...he had no health or legal issues that we know of, (none that he shared with my mom, anyway) so he has CAUSED a burden to his family by not being here to watch those grandbabies grow up.
No one commits suicide to take the easy way out, often it feels
Like the only agonizing choice.
He had his reasons and while I feel for your family loss, I don't hear a drop of empathy on his behalf and why he would have chosen this path.
It feels more like YOU will be burdened with your mom and then some regards to his family, that you will have to navigate.
Grief has stages and right at this moment you are very angry...yell at him, tell him how you feel, explain how this is a burden...and then just listen and talk to him.
Ask him to help you understand why he would want to do this and that you want his help with the family if not here in spirit. He may be a lot stronger on the other side.
My sister in law and a close friend died and for a time I was angry at them, but after a while we are ok and I do talk to them from time to time and it is fine.
I support your uncles decision. Would you have keep a burdened person chained to an existence of misery? Would you wail as much to fate if he died from a sudden stroke or a car accident? Would that type of violent death be better than the self reflection he must have went through, the peace he found before he left. Who are you to decide that one person cannot choose self deliverance when they decide its time?
Things happen,people react differently to stressors. Your uncle had no obligation to live up to your expectations of what his "duty" was.
It was his life. Respect his choice and you might have one less thing to gnash your teeth and don sack cloth over.
Cubanchic, that is a great post. Thank you for posting. I like the part about vocalizing the feelings. It helps.
OP, maybe your uncle did not share his personal health issues with you. Obviously not, since you said you barely knew your uncle, then you said he had no health issues THAT YOU KNEW OF. I think you have a lot of anger over how you feel your mother is being affected by all this and her situation.
And yes, it is okay to feel anger. But I think you need to try and understand that whatever was bothering your uncle was strong enough for him to commit suicide. Mental health issues, maybe?
I don't know the story yet. We are still waiting for my cousin to call back with any details. So no, I don't feel empathy for my uncle. I feel empathy for everyone left behind who cared for him and would have done ANYTHING he asked to help him.
He had a successful career and a loving family. So no, I can't 'support his decision'.
What i really need to know is how to help my mom with this. she was already hanging by a thread.
I don't know the story yet. We are still waiting for my cousin to call back with any details. So no, I don't feel empathy for my uncle. I feel empathy for everyone left behind who cared for him and would have done ANYTHING he asked to help him.
He had a successful career and a loving family. So no, I can't 'support his decision'.
What i really need to know is how to help my mom with this. she was already hanging by a thread.
This is the compelling issue for you, not her brother's personal decision. You are very stressed as a caregiver and/or emotional caretaker for your mother. We all understand that. So, it's time to see the forest for the trees and learn both techniques for managing Mom and the limitations she has that you will have to come to terms with. Part of being effective is not blaming others for her "hanging on by a thread" and knowing anything can sever that cord.
Since you say your Mother is mentally ill, how is she handling this news? Sounds like she is taking this hard, along with other losses that have come her way. Just let her go through the stages of grief as she wishes and try to give her the space to do this by helping with your Dad if you can. So sorry for this emotional blow.
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