U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-01-2013, 07:34 PM
 
Location: Hays, Kansas
165 posts, read 111,796 times
Reputation: 90

Advertisements

OK peeps, I just joined and went straight to the Grief and Mourning because I would like to ask for some advice.
I am a male, 44 years old. One of two boys in my family. My dad passed away in January 2013.
The problem is my mom. First let me describe her as one of the sweetest most caring persons on the planet. She was a superb mother that was always there for all of us. She has always placed her needs second to those of the people around her.
So what is the problem? I live in Kansas and she lives in Missouri. I have a brother that see's her about every week or two as he lives 30 miles away from her. With the Holiday's coming I want to take my wife and daughter to go see her at Thanksgiving or Christmas. However, she doesn't want us to come. She is pushing us away because as she says, she will not be very good company.
Dad had a stroke on November 14, 2012. He had another stroke on Thanksgiving day. Was moved from the Hospital to a senior living center on December 23rd. He had a third stroke on December 24th and went back to the hospital. On December 26th he started a obvious turn down hill until he passed on January 17th.
From my perspective (I hope this doesn't sound callus) I have known since I was a small child that someday my loved ones would die. I knew that some day I would die. When my dad passed away, I was obviously very upset. I grieved for about 2 months and that was it. I accepted this is part of life and now I need to continue on with mine. I miss my dad but I don't grieve any longer.
I can obviously tell that my mom is the exact opposite. The pain she has is just as fresh as it was 10 months ago. She will cry almost every time that we speak on the phone.
So what do I do? I want to go see my mom. My wife and 14 year old daughter want to see her but she pushes us away. It causes me great pain to be pushed away by her but I am trying to accept that. This is not about what I want or need it is about what my mom needs. How do I help her get over the hump to recovery? Do I go see her anyway? Do I purposely not go visit? Whether I go see her or not I think she will hurt.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-01-2013, 08:36 PM
 
Location: Northern Illinois
2,187 posts, read 3,594,548 times
Reputation: 6336
Oh, this is a tough one. I can understand that she is going to be tremendously sad no matter where she is and her thoughts are going to be focused on the events of a year ago, marking every moment of every day, remembering. Those first major holidays without your loved ones are the hardest. If I were you I would probably just tell her that you understand her pain, because you are hurting too and that sharing the loss with her is a step towards healing. In truth, she may very well not be good company - but she's your mother so every opportunity you have to spend time with her is going to be worth the effort. Offer to bring her to your home if she doesn't want you there. Make travel arrangements for her, tell her how much you and your family want to see her. Maybe she doesn't want to have to deal with the cooking, or making the effort to get the house ready for company. You somehow have to try and convince her that you truly want to spend some time with her regardless of where that is, need to see her and hold her, and remember your Dad together - knowing that it will hurt but also knowing how wonderful sharing happy memories of the good times is. You can't make her change her mind - if she is adamant I guess there is no recourse - but I would make sure that someone at least "checks in" on her throughout the day to make sure she is ok. If she doesn't want you there I think you have to respect that, but I would probably keep at her until she either gives in and says ok, or tells me off. I certainly hope you can convince her to change her mind and let you in. I am wishing you peace this upcoming holiday season.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-01-2013, 08:51 PM
 
Location: Hays, Kansas
165 posts, read 111,796 times
Reputation: 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by CFoulke View Post
Oh, this is a tough one. I can understand that she is going to be tremendously sad no matter where she is and her thoughts are going to be focused on the events of a year ago, marking every moment of every day, remembering. Those first major holidays without your loved ones are the hardest. If I were you I would probably just tell her that you understand her pain, because you are hurting too and that sharing the loss with her is a step towards healing. In truth, she may very well not be good company - but she's your mother so every opportunity you have to spend time with her is going to be worth the effort. Offer to bring her to your home if she doesn't want you there. Make travel arrangements for her, tell her how much you and your family want to see her. Maybe she doesn't want to have to deal with the cooking, or making the effort to get the house ready for company. You somehow have to try and convince her that you truly want to spend some time with her regardless of where that is, need to see her and hold her, and remember your Dad together - knowing that it will hurt but also knowing how wonderful sharing happy memories of the good times is. You can't make her change her mind - if she is adamant I guess there is no recourse - but I would make sure that someone at least "checks in" on her throughout the day to make sure she is ok. If she doesn't want you there I think you have to respect that, but I would probably keep at her until she either gives in and says ok, or tells me off. I certainly hope you can convince her to change her mind and let you in. I am wishing you peace this upcoming holiday season.
Thank you for your reply.
We asked her if she wanted to come out here as by brother and I did that this past May when my daughter graduated from middle school. We me in Kansas City and shuffled mom to my home in Kansas. One week later we swapped back. She seemed to be fine at that point but now she seems to be falling apart.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-02-2013, 01:39 AM
 
Location: 38N 105W
4,721 posts, read 7,018,074 times
Reputation: 7292
It's the holidays, Sparks. The holidays are time for families; for food, togetherness, and good cheer. Your mom doesn't feel cheery. If she's like any of us widows on this forum, she is dreading her first holidays without her husband. She has no interest in cooking, cleaning, or even being happy. She probably wouldn't be good company. Many of us just wanted to crawl into a hole around Halloween and not come out until January 2nd. I would tell your mom you love her, you want to be with her and that you'll be glad to come to her house and do the cooking for her. She's going to be torn between wanting to be alone with her grief, and wanting to be with her family. If you don't spend the holiday with her, she's going to be sad and lonely, but if you do spend the holiday with her, she's going to be sad and lonely, but when she looks back on this first year, she'll be glad you were there, even if she can't show it. She'll be glad she wasn't alone, even if she was lonely for your dad. So, don't listen to her protestations, and just plan on spending the holidays with her anyway. They may not be great, but you will feel better that you were with her, and so will she.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-02-2013, 08:11 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,357,946 times
Reputation: 3529
Sparks...If I faced a situation like yours, I'd probably just accept and respect my Mother's wishes...Decades ago, my Dad had a bout with colon cancer. He was doing fine by the time Thanksgiving rolled around and we always spent the holidays at my parents' house. But that year, my Mom told me that she and my Dad needed a little more "private time" to deal with the "cancer scare" and "heal." (On their own.)...It was out of character for my parents to do something like this because they loved holidays and enjoyed having us at their house...But we all respected their wishes that year. And didn't try to talk them out of their feelings. Or take any of it "personally."...Hopefully, your Mom will be in a different "place" as time passes. Can you and your family go to visit her at another time? (Not right on the holidays?)...Sorry it's so rough for you too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-02-2013, 12:14 PM
 
Location: SWFL
22,746 posts, read 19,189,301 times
Reputation: 20848
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Sparks...If I faced a situation like yours, I'd probably just accept and respect my Mother's wishes...Decades ago, my Dad had a bout with colon cancer. He was doing fine by the time Thanksgiving rolled around and we always spent the holidays at my parents' house. But that year, my Mom told me that she and my Dad needed a little more "private time" to deal with the "cancer scare" and "heal." (On their own.)...It was out of character for my parents to do something like this because they loved holidays and enjoyed having us at their house...But we all respected their wishes that year. And didn't try to talk them out of their feelings. Or take any of it "personally."...Hopefully, your Mom will be in a different "place" as time passes. Can you and your family go to visit her at another time? (Not right on the holidays?)...Sorry it's so rough for you too.
Sparks' situation Is NOT like yours, CA. The father is DEAD, not just sick. I think Marcy has the right idea, just go and be with Mom. She may just be saying "no" because she has let the house go to pot and would be embarrassed.

Just call her, Sparks, TELL her that you and your family are coming and that you'll do the cooking and cleaning if need be. Spend the holiday with her. She will appreciate it in hindsight if not in the moment. She NEEDS her family around her at this time of year even if she is fighting it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-02-2013, 01:27 PM
 
8,440 posts, read 11,110,200 times
Reputation: 6212
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Sparks' situation Is NOT like yours, CA. The father is DEAD, not just sick. I think Marcy has the right idea, just go and be with Mom. She may just be saying "no" because she has let the house go to pot and would be embarrassed.

Just call her, Sparks, TELL her that you and your family are coming and that you'll do the cooking and cleaning if need be. Spend the holiday with her. She will appreciate it in hindsight if not in the moment. She NEEDS her family around her at this time of year even if she is fighting it.
I agree.

No one may be up to the traditions and work of Thanksgiving.

There are always restaurants.

The food may not be what you are use to, but to me what I read was spending time with mom not a specific recipe.

A restaurant also allows new, entirely different memories and maybe new traditions to begin.

Good luck - I crashed on Thanksgiving the year my dad died and I had to be back at work two days later. That means I kept it together from Feb until Thanksgiving. Many in your family may have reactions different than they expect. Lots of tissue........

MSR
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-02-2013, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,357,946 times
Reputation: 3529
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Sparks' situation Is NOT like yours, CA. The father is DEAD, not just sick. I think Marcy has the right idea, just go and be with Mom. She may just be saying "no" because she has let the house go to pot and would be embarrassed.

Just call her, Sparks, TELL her that you and your family are coming and that you'll do the cooking and cleaning if need be. Spend the holiday with her. She will appreciate it in hindsight if not in the moment. She NEEDS her family around her at this time of year even if she is fighting it.
We're all different...When I tell someone how I feel, or what I prefer (or not), I'm being honest and upfront and mean what I say...This is where I'm "coming from" and this is the way I was raised...After my Mom passed-away, I listened to my Dad and let him decide things on his own. He let his wishes "be known" and we respected what he said, and how he felt, etc...My Mom would have expected to be treated this same way if my Dad passed-away first...And this is how I feel too. But we're all different!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-02-2013, 02:23 PM
 
8,287 posts, read 11,799,492 times
Reputation: 4948
Sparks69 it's obvious your Mom is clearly depressed and the holidays just make the memories that more tragic for her now. You mentioned your daughter. Does your mother and her have a relationship?
You could ask your daughter if she wants to see her grandmother over the holidays and if she says YES? Use the emotional heart strings and use it to the full extent.
Grieving is hard and some people push away while others seek comfort in loved ones. Extend that olive branch to her now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-02-2013, 03:15 PM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,118,785 times
Reputation: 17197
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparks69 View Post
OK peeps, I just joined and went straight to the Grief and Mourning because I would like to ask for some advice.
I am a male, 44 years old. One of two boys in my family. My dad passed away in January 2013.
The problem is my mom. First let me describe her as one of the sweetest most caring persons on the planet. She was a superb mother that was always there for all of us. She has always placed her needs second to those of the people around her.
So what is the problem? I live in Kansas and she lives in Missouri. I have a brother that see's her about every week or two as he lives 30 miles away from her. With the Holiday's coming I want to take my wife and daughter to go see her at Thanksgiving or Christmas. However, she doesn't want us to come. She is pushing us away because as she says, she will not be very good company.
Dad had a stroke on November 14, 2012. He had another stroke on Thanksgiving day. Was moved from the Hospital to a senior living center on December 23rd. He had a third stroke on December 24th and went back to the hospital. On December 26th he started a obvious turn down hill until he passed on January 17th.
From my perspective (I hope this doesn't sound callus) I have known since I was a small child that someday my loved ones would die. I knew that some day I would die. When my dad passed away, I was obviously very upset. I grieved for about 2 months and that was it. I accepted this is part of life and now I need to continue on with mine. I miss my dad but I don't grieve any longer.
I can obviously tell that my mom is the exact opposite. The pain she has is just as fresh as it was 10 months ago. She will cry almost every time that we speak on the phone.
So what do I do? I want to go see my mom. My wife and 14 year old daughter want to see her but she pushes us away. It causes me great pain to be pushed away by her but I am trying to accept that. This is not about what I want or need it is about what my mom needs. How do I help her get over the hump to recovery? Do I go see her anyway? Do I purposely not go visit? Whether I go see her or not I think she will hurt.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
I'm a mom. If I said "no thanks" I would mean it. Because I would not be in the mood to put on a happy show. Or be bothered.

Offer to stop by for ONE HOUR to do whatever you want to do. That is way more tolerable than a whole day.

Do NOT decide to "throw Thanksgiving" etc at her house. OMG I'd have a fit.

Her entire world has changed forever and children and grandchildren cannot fill that void right now. Or maybe not ever. It's hard to say how long her grieving process will last.

Thank you for being such a great son! Lastly, you know her better so follow your gut. Just be aware that she may not respond as you hoped. Don't take it personally.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. | Please obey Forum Rules | Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top