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Old 05-04-2015, 08:48 AM
 
7,696 posts, read 12,858,812 times
Reputation: 9604

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Quote:
Originally Posted by SunGrins View Post
This is not a time to check off names or keep count.
.......
I got responses from only one person and I expected more than that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalon08 View Post
Well, if I can chime in, I think your post is kind of contradictory.
haha, I was thinking the same thing....

Grief is a time when we are not our normal self..I was overhwelmed with repairing, selling and downsizing
my home and got so tired of everyone saying " let me know if there is anything I can do"
I finally called people out on it and said " do you really mean that, because I need lots of help , when can you come over and help?"
Normally I am much more gracious than that...
The week after my husband died a friend took me to a movie and we stopped by a Target.
I was in the back and they turned the lights off on us.. I was spitting mad and let everyone
that worked there know it..Normally I am extremely laid back ...
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Old 05-04-2015, 12:41 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,663,017 times
Reputation: 33232
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunGrins View Post
Be happy with those that came or made an expression of sympathy. This is not a time to check off names or keep count. Some people just can't do funerals. Some are sick themselves or have obligations that keep them away. Their absence is not an event worth noting and doesn't mean they don't feel your loss.

On the other hand... when my wife died I wrote letters to some long distance friends who would not have heard. I got responses from only one person and I expected more than that.

First off, sorry for the loss of your wife.

But AGAIN(this has already been stated) it's not about keeping track or a head count. It's about the hurt and shock of not hearing anything from people you thought would have contacted you.

You also contradicted yourself, because you were hurt that you only heard back from one person.

Again, it's not a numbers game, it's the hurt of not hearing anything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalon08 View Post
Well, if I can chime in, I think your post is kind of contradictory.

I completely understand Seain's feelings. It is not about "keeping count" or being angry. Just as you expected to hear back from those to whom you wrote about your wife's death, he expected to hear something (anything) from his Dad's FOUR long-time buddies. I don't think he should be called selfish for being hurt about that, nor should he be lectured about how he SHOULD feel or given platitudes about watching a sunset and getting over it. This is a place where we can talk about our losses, our grief, our feelings -- good, bad or indifferent. Lord knows we don't need to be made to feel any worse than we already feel about our loss. And this constant mention of "keeping count" or making us feel bad for noticing we didn't hear from a particular person, implying that we should be so distraught that those things don't matter, is the type of criticism that a grieving person doesn't need.
Thank you Avalon. I spent 3 months packing up the house and getting it ready for sale before I left the area. How nice it would have been to hear from one of these men(who knew me fairly well) and just ask "how are you doing?", "want to have lunch?", something.

Just to show the difference in people, the woman who cut my hair called me to check up on me and have lunch, now this is someone who has 3 young kids, and works full time, but managed to show some kindness. She knew my dad had passed and my mom just the year before.(never met either one)

Yet the older folk, who were retired couldn't be bothered. As I said it is what it is, and the support you get does make up for it, but it's not about a head count, it's about not hearing from people who should at the very least acknowledge the loss to the family.

I agree, people shouldn't be getting attacked on this board(of all boards) for saying how they feel.
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Old 05-04-2015, 04:04 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,468 posts, read 18,172,971 times
Reputation: 18841
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I agree that there are many people who need to grow up and do what is right, but I am not responsible for those folks. My anger will not make them change - it will only hurt me. And feeling hurt is, I think, really a form of anger at someone not thinking of you - you feel belittled by their failure to take your feelings into account. Additionally, thinking "what if everyone did it" is making it a hypothetical, not dealing with reality. The reality is that some people are supportive and some are not. I agree that it is not a good way to live life just thinking of ones self, but I know a number of people who have done and are doing just that. I try not to be around people like that. If I resent them and let myself be hurt by their choices, this will not change them. It will only keep negative feelings alive in me. So I believe in acknowledging a hurt, but then let them go, let them live as they want, forgive them for not thinking of others (including me,) and try to fill my life with meaning in other ways. There are too many genuinely good people out there for me to spend my energy thinking about those who are not.
Yes, letting go is key to a peaceful life. You may get shocked or angry but it is not worth dwelling on those negative thoughts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
True. There are always lessons to learned. As a friend told me (and I think it is true,) it is alright to feel angry, hurt, guilty, depressed, etc., as long as you allow yourself to feel those things, then move on. It is getting stuck that is the problem.
Right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post

I agree, people shouldn't be getting attacked on this board(of all boards) for saying how they feel.
I don't think anyone is "attacking" anyone. They are only stating their opinions. Everyone is entitled to theirs.
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