U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-09-2013, 06:37 AM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
Reputation: 33226

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Teddy52 View Post
I never knew wakes and funerals are limited to only family.

Maybe in your world, not in mine !

Mine neither. I don't know how picking up the phone or going to Walgreens and buying a card and mailing it are interfering.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
Some people are just plain ignorant IMO. Time will pass and you will go on, but you don't ever forget those who are insensitive to your pain, and you won't forget the kindness of people you don't expect.

We had a private family/close friends funeral when my mother passed away. After a week or two went by, I was shocked at even some of my own friends who didn't send a card, say they're sorry, or give me a hug when I saw them afterwards. I was also shocked at those who I wasn't close to, and how warm and comforting they were for my loss. Who can explain human behaviour?
You're right human behavior is odd. I just found it interesting that many people complain about the younger generation(especially older folks) and the lack of manners today.

Yet it was younger people who reached out to me in addition to many other long time friends, some he hadn't seen in years.

Some people also aren't raised right. And I don't buy about what makes THEM uncomfortable, it isn't about THEM, it is about the family.

Life is full of uncomfortable situations.

I had a friend/coworker who passed at 42 due to a terminal illness, I didn't not go visit them(also took them to chemo treatments) because it made me uncomfortable.

That is a poor very self absorbed excuse, just like the people who "don't like hospitals". Who likes hospitals? You go because you care about the person.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-09-2013, 07:24 AM
 
5,706 posts, read 12,821,195 times
Reputation: 9008
For me, I have told the family, when I pass I don't want anything. No wake, viewing. I will be cremated and that's the end of it. Through the years, through many, many wakes and burials, I made up my mind that the time we spent on this earth was more important than coming to my funeral and looking at a dead body. Come and talk and laugh with me while I'm here...too late when I'm gone.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-09-2013, 07:32 AM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
Reputation: 33226
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
For me, I have told the family, when I pass I don't want anything. No wake, viewing. I will be cremated and that's the end of it. Through the years, through many, many wakes and burials, I made up my mind that the time we spent on this earth was more important than coming to my funeral and looking at a dead body. Come and talk and laugh with me while I'm here...too late when I'm gone.

I agree, both of my parents were cremated.

But what does that have to do with not having the common courtesy of calling the family or sending a card and saying you're sorry to hear that your loved one has passed?????
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-09-2013, 07:38 AM
 
5,706 posts, read 12,821,195 times
Reputation: 9008
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
I agree, both of my parents were cremated.

But what does that have to do with not having the common courtesy of calling the family or sending a card and saying you're sorry to hear that your loved one has passed?????
To some people it is the way they do things, to others it is not. To some it is important, to others it is not.
Always Go To The Funeral
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-09-2013, 08:02 AM
 
Location: sumter
7,200 posts, read 4,639,763 times
Reputation: 5876
so sorry for your lost my friend. both of my parents are gone, I lost my mom in june of this year and I know the feeling. I have a cousin who my mother raise after me and my siblings were all out of the house, she moved down from nyc when she was in middle school and she stayed in my parents house until she graduated from high school. I didn't see or heard from her during my mother death and she didn't come to the memorial service either. there were also other family members and friends that I didn't heard from either. it troubled me at first but I quickly got over it because I know my mother would have told me not to worry about things like that and to speak to them anyway, that's the type of person she was. so I would say to you, even though it looks bad on their part and it might even hurt a little bit, I would just let it go. I wouldn't even give them the benefit of letting them know it bother me. just deal with your grieving process and remember all the love and great things about your dad, be strong and keep smiling. we humans are flawed creatures so don't hold that against them because one day they will be where he is also. best of luck
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-09-2013, 11:44 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18819
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
For me, I have told the family, when I pass I don't want anything. No wake, viewing. I will be cremated and that's the end of it. Through the years, through many, many wakes and burials, I made up my mind that the time we spent on this earth was more important than coming to my funeral and looking at a dead body. Come and talk and laugh with me while I'm here...too late when I'm gone.
That's the way my husband wanted to go...no fuss, no muss. I respected his wishes and that's exactly how he went.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-09-2013, 02:37 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,488 posts, read 15,923,785 times
Reputation: 38801
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Any words of wisdom on this? Do you say anything?

My dad recently passed away and he had a group of old men that he associated with, I hesitate at this point to call them "friends", but he knew these men for more than 10 yrs since moving from NY to FL.

They got together pretty much every weekend for more than a decade. Since Clinton was office, so more like 13 or 14 yrs.

I also know them, I have associated with them. Not one of them(there are 4) have picked up the phone or sent a card, I am both hurt and stunned.

All the support has come from out of the area, long time friends.

It bothers me and I think it is beyond rude. When one of men's wives passed last year both my father and I were very supportive of the him and his adult daughter. Including going to the hospice before she passed.

They say younger people have no manners today, well I find that to be the opposite. When I had to tell a few servers in restaurants and some supermarket employees (all in their 20s) they broke down and cried. Yet not a peep out of the old folks.

And sorry I don't buy the excuse that they're afraid of their own mortality. When someone passes you support the family, I have had to deal with losing a friend to a terminal illness at 42 and also had to support people who lost a child(no greater loss), so I find it VERY SELFISH when people make it about themselves.

It's like the ones who say "I can't stand hospitals", so they don't go see someone who is dying, it is not about YOU and what YOU don't like, it is about being supportive.

I am on the fence about saying something to the one who was his "closest friend" but at the same time
I think it is beyond rude for this kind of behavior.
I am sorry for your loss.

Regarding your dad's male friends/buddies. I sometimes think that men are so used to their wives handling the social calendar, remembering birthdays, sending cards, etc, that many married or widowed men do not realize it when it is a situation where they need to step up and take responsibility. It is wrong but sadly often true.

Those old friends are just clueless but let it go and move on. If it continues to bother you, after a few months perhaps you should talk to your father's best friends and express your feelings. "Bob, you and my father were good friends for 15 years and I was surprised and hurt when I didn't hear from you when he died." and then just wait for Bob to respond.

Maybe there is a situation that you were not aware of, "I am so sorry, Seain, but my grand daughter had just had a car accident and I was out of town for several weeks" or "I'm sorry, but I sent flowers with Joe, John and James. Maybe my name was omitted".

Or maybe Bob will sheepishly say " I am so sorry, I should have gone to the funeral or sent a card. I really miss your dad". Perhaps, Bob will then be more considerate in the future.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2013, 01:14 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,740,923 times
Reputation: 7078
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
For me, I have told the family, when I pass I don't want anything. No wake, viewing. I will be cremated and that's the end of it. Through the years, through many, many wakes and burials, I made up my mind that the time we spent on this earth was more important than coming to my funeral and looking at a dead body. Come and talk and laugh with me while I'm here...too late when I'm gone.
That's what my husband wanted, too, but I wasn't able to do it because his colleagues, clients and people in town he did business with began calling the house as soon as word got out that he'd died asking when his service would be. So, I had a small party instead. When I die, all I'll have left are my kids, so it'll work for me to just be cremated, and half my ashes spread in CO and the other half, along with my husband's other half, in the ocean off Kaupo, Maui. The kids get a free trip to Hawaii rather than spending money on a funeral, casket and burial.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2013, 06:23 AM
 
5,706 posts, read 12,821,195 times
Reputation: 9008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
That's what my husband wanted, too, but I wasn't able to do it because his colleagues, clients and people in town he did business with began calling the house as soon as word got out that he'd died asking when his service would be. So, I had a small party instead. When I die, all I'll have left are my kids, so it'll work for me to just be cremated, and half my ashes spread in CO and the other half, along with my husband's other half, in the ocean off Kaupo, Maui. The kids get a free trip to Hawaii rather than spending money on a funeral, casket and burial.
Our ashes will be thrown in the ocean off Princeville, Kauai, where we were married. Our children also get a free trip to Hawaii!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2013, 08:13 AM
 
Location: Not.here
2,828 posts, read 3,443,292 times
Reputation: 2347
seain dublin, This is never an easy thing for the survivors, knowing that others that were close to the deceased do not make even the slightest acknowledgement. I think it is a natural thing to feel like castigating the people that did not make the acknowledgment. But, just like you, having been there myself, I would say postpone any such actions you may feel.

Look at it this way. They were there for your dad in friendship when he was alive and most needed them.

Yes, they did not give you the minimum consideration to even drop you a card and acknowledge you as the survivor. Maybe they have reasons, maybe they don't. The only satisfaction you can hope for from admonishing them directly is to inflict some kind of emotional pain on them. Think about whether that will ultimately make you feel better about yourself? Give it time and don't react too hastily. Remember also that their shortcomings do not need to be projected on to your own responses.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top