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Old 11-15-2013, 02:52 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,265,344 times
Reputation: 22271

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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Sorry that some of your (supposed) friends "bailed-out."...I think my situation might trigger "guilt" in some of my friends (at times) since they still have families...I don't want anyone to feel "guilty." And I don't want pity...When friends call, I don't want to be a "downer." But they know my situation and I'm not like their other friends who still have families "left." And this puts me in a whole other "category!" (Even though I try to be "upbeat" and I'm interested in their lives, and their families, etc.)...Maybe I serve as an example of their "worst fears." (Losing their husband and kids and being totally "all alone" in the world. Or dying themselves or ?) I'm not sure.
I have thought about this thread a lot since OP first posted it, as I have known a lot of folks over the years who felt they were abandoned after their spouse's death.

Don't mean to take this too far away from the OP . . . which was about friends of a deceased parent . . . but it occurred to me yesterday that sometimes -- I think folks hesitate or even purposely avoid reaching out to friends who have lost a loved one, out of the very thing you mentioned, CArizona. To acknowledge someone else's death might remind them of their own mortality. They may think they will contact the grief-stricken friend "later" but then they never do . . . b/c they really do not even want to be reminded of what it would be like to deal with their OWN grief when their own family members die.

The other thing I thought about in re: to KELLY's situation is . . . and this is awful!!!! . . . I have seen women purposely avoid reaching out to widows b/c they don't want their husbands to feel they should "help" or "support" someone else. I have had people tell me that they didn't want to be too "chummy" b/c they didn't want the grieving widow to get comfortable with calling on them for help! How insecure is that!

Of course, this has strayed away from OP's question as to why his father's friends have not contacted him. I still maintain it just isn't that unusual for folks to not contact someone's children when the deceased is elderly.
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:42 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Sorry that some of your (supposed) friends "bailed-out."...I think my situation might trigger "guilt" in some of my friends (at times) since they still have families...I don't want anyone to feel "guilty." And I don't want pity...When friends call, I don't want to be a "downer." But they know my situation and I'm not like their other friends who still have families "left." And this puts me in a whole other "category!" (Even though I try to be "upbeat" and I'm interested in their lives, and their families, etc.)...Maybe I serve as an example of their "worst fears." (Losing their husband and kids and being totally "all alone" in the world. Or dying themselves or ?) I'm not sure.
Could very well be, CA. Plus I'm sure many, if not most, people can not even begin to fathom the scope of your loss and grief. Even we here may not get the "full picture" try as we may. Death just plain scares people in our culture and people react different ways.
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:46 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,527 posts, read 29,240,196 times
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Everybody deals with death and grief in their own way. Some people choose to "not face" their own mortality by ignoring the whole thing.

Don't judge people. Not everyone is you. Not everyone hurts the same. People are people and they are imperfect, you have to accept that and not hold it against them.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 11-16-2013, 08:08 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,845,131 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post

Don't judge people. Not everyone is you. Not everyone hurts the same. People are people and they are imperfect, you have to accept that and not hold it against them.

20yrsinBranson
I used to give people the same advice...
as well as " just forgive, believe the best, look for the good..".

The things I have gone through & healed from have changed the way I listen & respond to people..
The things that we talk about are usually things that hurt us deeply and people need to be able to talk about that, vent & process it all before they begin to let go of it, forgive & move on...

Grieving people need friends that will listen, understand and not try to "solve the problem" by giving advice..
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Old 11-17-2013, 07:07 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
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When my older son passed-away (at 37), a couple of his friends stepped "upfront." They were "grief-stricken" and shocked and stunned, etc. But somehow, they were able to function and "be there" for us (and others) despite their grief...This wasn't the case with all of my son's friends. Some "hid-out." They didn't know how to "deal" with it. (At all!)...I didn't blame or "fault" them for staying off on the "sidelines." It was a tragic situation and nobody expected my son to die so young....He had always been the "strong one" in his group of friends and the "picture of health!" So it was a big shock when he died and hard for everyone to "process."
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Old 11-17-2013, 07:24 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
Reputation: 3514
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Could very well be, CA. Plus I'm sure many, if not most, people can not even begin to fathom the scope of your loss and grief. Even we here may not get the "full picture" try as we may. Death just plain scares people in our culture and people react different ways.
Thanks for understanding...Sometimes I feel like a "leper" or even a "jinx!"...Good thing I have a sense of humor that pops-up every so often. (To help me "stay sane!")
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Old 11-17-2013, 07:28 AM
 
9,312 posts, read 11,148,519 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mr bolo View Post
I think you dont hear from them because they are not family, only associates of your father, they dont want to interfere
Old people also fear their own mortality.......acknowledging the death of peer puts them one step closer to joining them in their mind......childish but it happens
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Old 11-17-2013, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,175,549 times
Reputation: 3514
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
I have thought about this thread a lot since OP first posted it, as I have known a lot of folks over the years who felt they were abandoned after their spouse's death.

Don't mean to take this too far away from the OP . . . which was about friends of a deceased parent . . . but it occurred to me yesterday that sometimes -- I think folks hesitate or even purposely avoid reaching out to friends who have lost a loved one, out of the very thing you mentioned, CArizona. To acknowledge someone else's death might remind them of their own mortality. They may think they will contact the grief-stricken friend "later" but then they never do . . . b/c they really do not even want to be reminded of what it would be like to deal with their OWN grief when their own family members die.

The other thing I thought about in re: to KELLY's situation is . . . and this is awful!!!! . . . I have seen women purposely avoid reaching out to widows b/c they don't want their husbands to feel they should "help" or "support" someone else. I have had people tell me that they didn't want to be too "chummy" b/c they didn't want the grieving widow to get comfortable with calling on them for help! How insecure is that!

Of course, this has strayed away from OP's question as to why his father's friends have not contacted him. I still maintain it just isn't that unusual for folks to not contact someone's children when the deceased is elderly.
Good post and insights...My Dad used to help my Mom's widowed friends when need be...I had good role-models. My Mom was secure...One of my local friends doesn't mind "sharing" her husband with her divorced friends. Or me! (In emergency situations.)...My friend reminds me of my Mom. She knows she's the "apple" of her husband's "eye." And doesn't get jealous or worried or insecure, etc.

Last edited by CArizona; 11-17-2013 at 09:25 AM.. Reason: oops..
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Old 11-17-2013, 09:41 AM
 
Location: West Coast, US
77 posts, read 81,111 times
Reputation: 261
Mom died three years ago today. She, my brother, and myself were pretty much it as far as remaining family, but there were family friends and Mom's coworkers. They all scattered like cockroaches, so we had a private funeral for her and cut off all avenues of contact with the cockroaches.

You find out who your real friends are at times like this. Don't buy into the "they just feel uncomfortable" BS.

Sound harsh? Try going through illness, life support, SNF, hospice, going through personal effects, selling off property, and probate all by yourself.
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Old 11-17-2013, 11:04 AM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,845,131 times
Reputation: 9599
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandbow View Post

You find out who your real friends are at times like this. Don't buy into the "they just feel uncomfortable" BS.

Sound harsh? Try going through illness, life support, SNF, hospice, going through personal effects, selling off property, and probate all by yourself.
I hear you !!!!!

If it was too "uncomfortable" for a friend to call at all
while I went through the things you mentioned, then
it's "uncomfortable" for me to continue that friendship !!

I can't be friends with anyone that selfish..

I am not bitter and I have healed but stuff like this shows us people's true colors.
I have deepened some friendships, made new ones and ended some because of it..
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