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You do realize the people who suffer the direct loss are the one who need the support the most. Very selfish to not want to deal with "emotional chaos" because it upsets YOU, I didn't realize sending a card or calling and saying "I'm sorry for your loss", throws someone into emotional chaos".
Very selfish. Some people have class and manners, and some people don't.
It's not all about you and your comfort level when someone needs some emotional support.
And for the record in this case, no one was angry with my father. One poster earlier on mentioned about forming friendships late in life, I think they hit the nail on the head. My dad even commented to me after my mother passed he thought he had more "acquaintances" down here(FL) than friends. Turned out to be true.
I was very thankful for the support I did receive, and as I posted earlier got a very nice short letter from a doctor my dad had only seen a few times that forwarded from my dad's old address, I was moved to tears that he would take the time to do that and called their office to say thank you. A doctor/surgeon who barely knew him managed to take the time to do this, but people who are retired and saw him weekly for years couldn't be bothered.
It is was it is, like I said I am grateful for the support I did get, but don't tell people it doesn't matter. Imagine someone drowning in grief and not hearing from anyone, how do you think they would feel?
Agree completely with your post...
My dentist wrote a handwritten note to me when my husband died..Those kinda things mean so much..
Honey you are actually the one being selfish here thinking everyone in the world should express sympathy the way you want it to happen. Let them be. We've all lost someone we loved before. I have suffered my own losses and I know how upsetting it is, but you can't place the blame on someone who doesn't wish to contact you or acknowledge the loss to you personally. They were your father's acquaintances, not yours. Go on with your life and pick up the pieces the best you can. I'm sure they have their own reasons that you may not even be aware of. In the end, your concerns shouldn't be with what anyone else does. You have other family members for support. If you do contact them about it - blaming them for not caring -, it'll only backfire on you anyway. Do you really want that kind of embarrassment by pouring salt into the wounds?
Just forget them... it's all you can do unless you want to force the situation and make it worse for yourself and everyone else around you.
You do realize the people who suffer the direct loss are the one who need the support the most. Very selfish to not want to deal with "emotional chaos" because it upsets YOU, I didn't realize sending a card or calling and saying "I'm sorry for your loss", throws someone into emotional chaos".
Very selfish. Some people have class and manners, and some people don't.
It's not all about you and your comfort level when someone needs some emotional support.....
You're 100% right. It's really repellant to see so much self-serving excuse making in this thread. What a selfish mess American society has become.
It is my feeling that cards, calls and expressions of sympathy and support after a death are a very good thing, but I think we make a mistake when we get into anger mode if we don't get such a gesture from everyone. I remember very well how much at a loss I was when my husband's best friend died. I was about 23, and I knew I should call his mother (although I didn't know her) but I just didn't know what to say. I hope that now, many years later, I have learned a few lessons in how to deal with this sort of thing. But my point is that different people are in different places as far as their ability to deal with uncomfortable situations. My husband died 4 months ago. He had a cousin who lives only an hour's drive from us. Before he died, she called and said that she would like to come see him, but "couldn't handle it." I was a little irritated at how self indulgent this seemed, considering all that my husband and I had been through. But I know it really didn't matter to my husband. After a while, I began to realize that this cousin is a person who has never been able to handle unpleasant situations, and in fact resorts to the use of alcohol to help her feel better. I forgive her. I wrote to many old friends telling them about my husband's situation, since he would be dying around Christmas, and I would not be writing any Christmas cards. I got responses from a few, but most did not. But how do I know what is happening in their lives? Who have they lost lately, what are they dealing with? I don't know, but I am not going to judge them. I am thankful for the responses I got. I can't let the "count" of cards or the absence of responses put me into a place where my grieving will be complicated by really unnecessary anger. I think we need to take responsibility for our own healing. When we need someone to talk to, call someone, don't be angry that no one called you. If no friends are offering a shoulder to cry on, contact a counselor, a pastor, join a grief support group, etc. Pray. Allow God into your grieving process. Go out and do some things that are healing to the soul - sit and watch the sunrise, walk in the woods, go to a museum or a concert - whatever is replenishing to you. You may shed some tears during those activities, but in the long run, if they feel comforting in some way, they will help with healing. Read books about grief, healing and rebuilding your life. And be sure that if you have friends and family that are sympathetic, have dinner with them, call, or invite them on a walk with you, etc. Think about which people are actually your support system, and forget about the people that did not come through for you. The point is that finding ways to be angry at others is not helpful in healing. Fear, anger and guilt are not constructive, and get in the way of healing and health. Have faith, have hope, and Forgive, Forgive, Forgive (including forgiving yourself.) Exercise, eat well, give yourself time. This is a terribly hard process, but healing will gradually come.
Honey you are actually the one being selfish here thinking everyone in the world should express sympathy the way you want it to happen. Let them be. We've all lost someone we loved before. I have suffered my own losses and I know how upsetting it is, but you can't place the blame on someone who doesn't wish to contact you or acknowledge the loss to you personally. They were your father's acquaintances, not yours. Go on with your life and pick up the pieces the best you can. I'm sure they have their own reasons that you may not even be aware of. In the end, your concerns shouldn't be with what anyone else does. You have other family members for support. If you do contact them about it - blaming them for not caring -, it'll only backfire on you anyway. Do you really want that kind of embarrassment by pouring salt into the wounds?
Just forget them... it's all you can do unless you want to force the situation and make it worse for yourself and everyone else around you.
No where did I say there was any point in contacting the people you don't hear from. I don't even live in that part of the country, I moved home to CA. So these people are like you back east. I will never see them again, I don't sit here and think about them. I do agree with you about forgetting them, I only revsisted this thread because it showed up as being current on the main page.
And actually they were my acquaintances as well, I had gone on to dinner with them with my dad, been to their homes, knew them for over 10 yrs. They weren't strangers to me.
I also said I was grateful for the support I did get.
You're in minority on here(thankfully), look some of us were raised with manners and class, some weren't. It takes little to no effort to pick up the phone and say "I'm sorry for your loss", or send a card.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu
You're 100% right. It's really repellant to see so much self-serving excuse making in this thread. What a selfish mess American society has become.
Exactly, we now live in an "all about me" society. I even notice this when say you have an issue in regards to customer service, when something is now done wrong instead of getting an apology you get an excuse based on their problems....LOL.
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper
It is my feeling that cards, calls and expressions of sympathy and support after a death are a very good thing, but I think we make a mistake when we get into anger mode if we don't get such a gesture from everyone. I remember very well how much at a loss I was when my husband's best friend died. I was about 23, and I knew I should call his mother (although I didn't know her) but I just didn't know what to say. I hope that now, many years later, I have learned a few lessons in how to deal with this sort of thing. But my point is that different people are in different places as far as their ability to deal with uncomfortable situations. My husband died 4 months ago. He had a cousin who lives only an hour's drive from us. Before he died, she called and said that she would like to come see him, but "couldn't handle it." I was a little irritated at how self indulgent this seemed, considering all that my husband and I had been through. But I know it really didn't matter to my husband. After a while, I began to realize that this cousin is a person who has never been able to handle unpleasant situations, and in fact resorts to the use of alcohol to help her feel better. I forgive her. I wrote to many old friends telling them about my husband's situation, since he would be dying around Christmas, and I would not be writing any Christmas cards. I got responses from a few, but most did not. But how do I know what is happening in their lives? Who have they lost lately, what are they dealing with? I don't know, but I am not going to judge them. I am thankful for the responses I got. I can't let the "count" of cards or the absence of responses put me into a place where my grieving will be complicated by really unnecessary anger. I think we need to take responsibility for our own healing. When we need someone to talk to, call someone, don't be angry that no one called you. If no friends are offering a shoulder to cry on, contact a counselor, a pastor, join a grief support group, etc. Pray. Allow God into your grieving process. Go out and do some things that are healing to the soul - sit and watch the sunrise, walk in the woods, go to a museum or a concert - whatever is replenishing to you. You may shed some tears during those activities, but in the long run, if they feel comforting in some way, they will help with healing. Read books about grief, healing and rebuilding your life. And be sure that if you have friends and family that are sympathetic, have dinner with them, call, or invite them on a walk with you, etc. Think about which people are actually your support system, and forget about the people that did not come through for you. The point is that finding ways to be angry at others is not helpful in healing. Fear, anger and guilt are not constructive, and get in the way of healing and health. Have faith, have hope, and Forgive, Forgive, Forgive (including forgiving yourself.) Exercise, eat well, give yourself time. This is a terribly hard process, but healing will gradually come.
Blessings
While I agree with some of what you say, you left off feeling hurt and concentrated on just anger. In most cases it isn't anger, it is the feeling of being hurt and wondering why haven't I heard from them. I do agree to concentrate on the people who are supporting you.
As far as people who "can't handle the situation", well what if everyone did that?
I had a very good friend/coworker who passed away at age 42 from a terminal illness. He said to me at one point his sister said "she couldn't handle it". He said to me "she can't handle it, how does she think I feel". Those words stuck with me.
Can't go through life just thinking about yourself and doing what only makes you comfortable, sometimes people need to put on their big boy/girl pants, step up to the plate, get outside their comfort zone and think of others first for a change.
While I agree with some of what you say, you left off feeling hurt and concentrated on just anger. In most cases it isn't anger, it is the feeling of being hurt and wondering why haven't I heard from them. I do agree to concentrate on the people who are supporting you.
As far as people who "can't handle the situation", well what if everyone did that?
I had a very good friend/coworker who passed away at age 42 from a terminal illness. He said to me at one point his sister said "she couldn't handle it". He said to me "she can't handle it, how does she think I feel". Those words stuck with me.
Can't go through life just thinking about yourself and doing what only makes you comfortable, sometimes people need to put on their big boy/girl pants, step up to the plate, get outside their comfort zone and think of others first for a change.
I agree that there are many people who need to grow up and do what is right, but I am not responsible for those folks. My anger will not make them change - it will only hurt me. And feeling hurt is, I think, really a form of anger at someone not thinking of you - you feel belittled by their failure to take your feelings into account. Additionally, thinking "what if everyone did it" is making it a hypothetical, not dealing with reality. The reality is that some people are supportive and some are not. I agree that it is not a good way to live life just thinking of ones self, but I know a number of people who have done and are doing just that. I try not to be around people like that. If I resent them and let myself be hurt by their choices, this will not change them. It will only keep negative feelings alive in me. So I believe in acknowledging a hurt, but then let them go, let them live as they want, forgive them for not thinking of others (including me,) and try to fill my life with meaning in other ways. There are too many genuinely good people out there for me to spend my energy thinking about those who are not.
I agree that there are many people who need to grow up and do what is right, but I am not responsible for those folks. My anger will not make them change - it will only hurt me. And feeling hurt is, I think, really a form of anger at someone not thinking of you - you feel belittled by their failure to take your feelings into account. Additionally, thinking "what if everyone did it" is making it a hypothetical, not dealing with reality. The reality is that some people are supportive and some are not. I agree that it is not a good way to live life just thinking of ones self, but I know a number of people who have done and are doing just that. I try not to be around people like that. If I resent them and let myself be hurt by their choices, this will not change them. It will only keep negative feelings alive in me. So I believe in acknowledging a hurt, but then let them go, let them live as they want, forgive them for not thinking of others (including me,) and try to fill my life with meaning in other ways. There are too many genuinely good people out there for me to spend my energy thinking about those who are not.
I absolutely agree with you about surrounding yourself with good people. Unfortunately though like any life situation whether it is a death of a loved one, getting laid off after 20 years at the same job, etc. You don't always know who the good people are.
Many times you find out the hard way that people who you thought would have been there for you aren't, while others surprise and touch you with their support. So while it is good to know going forward(and I guess a life lesson) it is still a shock while it is going on.
I absolutely agree with you about surrounding yourself with good people. Unfortunately though like any life situation whether it is a death of a loved one, getting laid off after 20 years at the same job, etc. You don't always know who the good people are.
Many times you find out the hard way that people who you thought would have been there for you aren't, while others surprise and touch you with their support. So while it is good to know going forward(and I guess a life lesson) it is still a shock while it is going on.
True. There are always lessons to learned. As a friend told me (and I think it is true,) it is alright to feel angry, hurt, guilty, depressed, etc., as long as you allow yourself to feel those things, then move on. It is getting stuck that is the problem.
Be happy with those that came or made an expression of sympathy. This is not a time to check off names or keep count. Some people just can't do funerals. Some are sick themselves or have obligations that keep them away. Their absence is not an event worth noting and doesn't mean they don't feel your loss.
On the other hand... when my wife died I wrote letters to some long distance friends who would not have heard. I got responses from only one person and I expected more than that.
Be happy with those that came or made an expression of sympathy. This is not a time to check off names or keep count. Some people just can't do funerals. Some are sick themselves or have obligations that keep them away. Their absence is not an event worth noting and doesn't mean they don't feel your loss.
On the other hand... when my wife died I wrote letters to some long distance friends who would not have heard. I got responses from only one person and I expected more than that.
Well, if I can chime in, I think your post is kind of contradictory.
I completely understand Seain's feelings. It is not about "keeping count" or being angry. Just as you expected to hear back from those to whom you wrote about your wife's death, he expected to hear something (anything) from his Dad's FOUR long-time buddies. I don't think he should be called selfish for being hurt about that, nor should he be lectured about how he SHOULD feel or given platitudes about watching a sunset and getting over it. This is a place where we can talk about our losses, our grief, our feelings -- good, bad or indifferent. Lord knows we don't need to be made to feel any worse than we already feel about our loss. And this constant mention of "keeping count" or making us feel bad for noticing we didn't hear from a particular person, implying that we should be so distraught that those things don't matter, is the type of criticism that a grieving person doesn't need.
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