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Old 11-04-2013, 10:21 AM
 
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Any words of wisdom on this? Do you say anything?

My dad recently passed away and he had a group of old men that he associated with, I hesitate at this point to call them "friends", but he knew these men for more than 10 yrs since moving from NY to FL.

They got together pretty much every weekend for more than a decade. Since Clinton was office, so more like 13 or 14 yrs.

I also know them, I have associated with them. Not one of them(there are 4) have picked up the phone or sent a card, I am both hurt and stunned.

All the support has come from out of the area, long time friends.

It bothers me and I think it is beyond rude. When one of men's wives passed last year both my father and I were very supportive of the him and his adult daughter. Including going to the hospice before she passed.

They say younger people have no manners today, well I find that to be the opposite. When I had to tell a few servers in restaurants and some supermarket employees (all in their 20s) they broke down and cried. Yet not a peep out of the old folks.

And sorry I don't buy the excuse that they're afraid of their own mortality. When someone passes you support the family, I have had to deal with losing a friend to a terminal illness at 42 and also had to support people who lost a child(no greater loss), so I find it VERY SELFISH when people make it about themselves.

It's like the ones who say "I can't stand hospitals", so they don't go see someone who is dying, it is not about YOU and what YOU don't like, it is about being supportive.

I am on the fence about saying something to the one who was his "closest friend" but at the same time
I think it is beyond rude for this kind of behavior.
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Old 11-04-2013, 10:27 AM
 
Location: Area 51.5
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Are you positive they know your father has passed?
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Old 11-04-2013, 10:32 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dale Cooper View Post
Are you positive they know your father has passed?

Oh they know. Up until a few weeks before he passed he saw all of them.

But they know.
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Old 11-08-2013, 09:57 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,253,264 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Oh they know. Up until a few weeks before he passed he saw all of them.

But they know.
I know that folks have told me they are upset b/c various people never acknowledged a loved one's death, but I never understood why -- especially when the people in question were friends of the deceased and not necessarily friends of any of the deceased's relatives.

Just b/c someone has not written or called -- it doesn't mean they are not mourning the loss - but again . . . why judge?

If you are sure they are aware, then your responsibility to them ends there and really - they have no responsibility at all to acknowledge anything about your loved one dying. Don't mean to sound harsh but . . . these folks are not your friends . . . so why should this bother you?
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Old 11-08-2013, 10:11 AM
 
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When my dad died ( age 82.......pancreatic cancer......retired dairy farmer ) I was surprised at both who did show up at the wake or funeral and who did not.

The most touching moment was when an old man I had never seen before approached me at the wake .

He said he had known my father from different times having conversaiions with him at the feed mill . ( I later learned he was a bachelor, had no family and rarely met people)

He told me............" you have lost your father and I have lost a friend "

Those words meant the world to me and brought tears to my eyes.
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Old 11-08-2013, 01:42 PM
 
Location: San Francisco, California
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I think you dont hear from them because they are not family, only associates of your father, they dont want to interfere
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Old 11-08-2013, 03:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mr bolo View Post
I think you dont hear from them because they are not family, only associates of your father, they dont want to interfere
I never knew wakes and funerals are limited to only family.

Maybe in your world, not in mine !
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Old 11-08-2013, 05:29 PM
 
3,446 posts, read 7,654,222 times
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These men are incredibly insensitive and rude. I would talk to one of them and casually comment about how no one expressed their condolences and see what he says.
You know in your heart that this is wrong - if it was not wrong it would not bother you.
They should be ashamed of themselves.
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Old 11-08-2013, 07:07 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,253,264 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Teddy52 View Post
I never knew wakes and funerals are limited to only family.

Maybe in your world, not in mine !
Well, see, that's the thing . . . OP had an expectation that folks would reach out. And not everyone feels comfortable reaching out, but it should not be taken as a personal offense.

TO SEAIN: I don't mean to sound insensitive . . . as others have said, obviously this has disappointed and hurt you. I am sorry for your loss . . . and I am sorry that others did not reach out at a time it would have really meant something to have heard from your father's friends/associates. But it is best to just let it go, as what good is going to come of confronting them (wh/ I doubt you would feel comfortable doing, anyway).

For the most part, I try to put a positive spin on things so that I don't continue to dwell on slights, when there isn't anything to be done about it . . . hence my suggestion to just assume they are mourning the loss in their own way and for whatever reason, didn't feel comfortable contacting you. Even if we don't understand other people's motivations, we can choose to let it go and not waste more energy trying to figure it out or nursing anger over it.
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Old 11-08-2013, 08:13 PM
 
Location: Canada
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Some people are just plain ignorant IMO. Time will pass and you will go on, but you don't ever forget those who are insensitive to your pain, and you won't forget the kindness of people you don't expect.

We had a private family/close friends funeral when my mother passed away. After a week or two went by, I was shocked at even some of my own friends who didn't send a card, say they're sorry, or give me a hug when I saw them afterwards. I was also shocked at those who I wasn't close to, and how warm and comforting they were for my loss. Who can explain human behaviour?
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