U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-11-2013, 05:56 PM
 
10,871 posts, read 41,162,985 times
Reputation: 14014

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
I think that for someone to estrange themselves from their parents (or a parent) it would be for a very, very good reason...death doesn't or wouldn't change that hurt that they must have experienced beforehand.
I think you are very, very wrong.

You don't know the circumstances of the estrangement.

To assume that the child "experienced beforehand" a hurt by the parent is the height of foolishness on your part.

In my case, the "hurt" is that my child was heavily influenced by my ex-wife's wealthy connections that he was entitled to an upbringing on the order of the multi-billionaire families ...

which I, as a blue-collar working guy, was not able to afford for myself, let alone him.

The final blow for him came when in his late teen years, he was "assisting" his grandfather in opening & reading his mail, helping in keeping the affairs in order. He found out that his grandfather had some assets, and my child assumed that he had been denied the style of living that he'd been entitled to by me.

Child would never accept that I didn't know my Dad's financial situation, never discussed it with him and didn't have any of that money. Even in my Dad's passing, I didn't get but a fraction of it for an inheiritance because it went to others in the family ... including my child.

Last edited by sunsprit; 11-11-2013 at 06:07 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-11-2013, 05:56 PM
 
Location: SoCal
5,920 posts, read 9,058,547 times
Reputation: 5416
Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
You have a point there but I am always the kind of person who likes my dignity & I would like to go in dignity. I would not want to ""embarass"" my husband & kid by having a funeral with only 20 people. I would like it to look like most people cared about me
Sounds like a time to apply the golden rule. If you would want people to attend your funeral, then barring strong reasons to avoid it, do attend your mom's funeral. There's no need to talk negatively about her, or even to talk about her at all. And as important or possibly more so, it's a
courtesy to the other people at the funeral who care about her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-11-2013, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Wallingford, CT
1,063 posts, read 1,046,711 times
Reputation: 1218
When this happened to me, I went to the wake, not the funeral. The wake itself provided me with the closure I needed. I think if you don't go, you'll won't feel grief like you would if you were close, but you'll definitely have trouble knowing how to feel. Obviously if there's no wake, then go. Don't feel like you're going for purely selfish reasons, but you have nothing to lose by going. If you don't go, you may regret it later and there's no way to sort of get that back.

Unless you're afraid that you might resent them a whole lot less for whatever caused you to be estranged in the first place. I'm willing to bet that most people prefer to be free of that feeling though.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-11-2013, 07:11 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,178 posts, read 14,260,960 times
Reputation: 14779
Once a person has died, they do not know nor care who attends their funeral or wake. One attends such an event for the living - to show care and comfort to those who have lost through death. So if you have no connection with anyone who survives your mother and you don't grieve, then don't attend. Especially don't attend just for the opportunity to say something negative. All that does is put you in bad light, especially if you call her a heifer; and it adds to the pain of those who are grieving her passing. If you need closure or wish an opportunity to say your good-byes to her, you can do so alone - by arriving a few minutes before other family.

Again, it is not about you or whether people will attend your funeral, it is about others who are/may be grieving. Having respect for the feelings of others is how one can assure that one's own funeral will be attended by those wishing to show support to the loved ones left behind. Always having negative comments about others is a sure way to have a one-car funeral.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-11-2013, 10:03 PM
 
1,915 posts, read 3,210,976 times
Reputation: 2996
My father left my family, remarried a woman who had a child from a previous relationship. He raised the child as his own....think he may have even adopted her. He supported her 100% and put her through college while neglecting to care for his three children (myself included) that were his "blood".

Ironically, his stepdaughter has a terrible relationship with him and tried reaching out to my siblings and me a few years ago. I didn't even entertain the thought of getting involved.

I decided long ago that I would not attend his funeral. I don't want to have anything to do with him....even in death. I've made my peace with the feelings of abandonment and don't owe him or his family anything. Plus, I know it would be dramatic if I showed up.

Funerals are for the living and simply a way to honor the dead. He doesn't not deserve my time, nor do I care to be in the same room as those that share his life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-11-2013, 10:05 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,237 posts, read 72,427,088 times
Reputation: 47455
its your last chance to show some respect, grab it. he who spits on his family spits in the wind.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-11-2013, 11:32 PM
 
Location: Portland, OR
416 posts, read 704,913 times
Reputation: 494
My father and I are estranged, and I will not be attending his funeral when he does pass.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-12-2013, 12:01 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,742,826 times
Reputation: 7078
Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
I think that for someone to estrange themselves from their parents (or a parent) it would be for a very, very good reason...death doesn't or wouldn't change that hurt that they must have experienced beforehand.
Not every estrangement is the result of hurt. There are many other reasons people estrange themselves from their families. Only if you have experienced it, or have been the recipient of it, can you really say for sure what the reason is. Making a blanket statement that it is for a very, very good reason, isn't true in all cases.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-12-2013, 01:26 AM
 
10,608 posts, read 13,387,052 times
Reputation: 17158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
Our son was estranged from us when my husband died. The other kids abided by my wishes (but didn't agree with them) that we not let him know about the death until after the funeral. When his siblings called him the day after the funeral, he told them he already knew about his dad's death as an old friend from our neighborhood's dad was an EMT with the Volunteer Fire Department who came out to the house. So, he'd known before we did that his dad died, also knew (from the paper) when the funeral was, yet didn't attempt to contact any of us, and didn't seem too upset on the phone. The siblings were pretty hurt, but then understood why I hadn't wanted him to know, and why he was estranged~~by his own choice. He was the one estranged, and he didn't care enough about his dad to even contact anyone in the family to let them know he was aware his dad died and was sorry to hear it.
This doesn't make sense to me.

When your husband died YOU chose to not inform your son. You also prevented the other children from doing so.

Then you get offended because he didn't call you when he found out another way? Obviously he already KNEW you didn't want anything to do with him and the funeral.

It's also very odd you think he should have called to express "condolences". REALLY?

I understand you probably had your reasons but to complain about him HONORING your wishes to NOT BE INVOLVED is kinda hypocritical.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-12-2013, 01:29 AM
 
10,608 posts, read 13,387,052 times
Reputation: 17158
Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
To those who have estranged relationships with their parents. Say you no longer keep in contact with them .If they die, would you attend their funeral or just have a normal day as though nothing happened
NO I did not attend. Furthermore, when I was informed my father had a brain tumor I didn't call him.

He KNEW why. I made it clear years before that I was "over" being the one to keep attempting to maintain a one sided relationship for over 20 years and I was DONE. He chose his life and the people he chose could do whatever was required, it had nothing to do with me. What a waste of 20 years' energy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top