U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-13-2013, 01:34 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
Reputation: 7078

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors View Post
This doesn't make sense to me.

When your husband died YOU chose to not inform your son. You also prevented the other children from doing so.

Then you get offended because he didn't call you when he found out another way? Obviously he already KNEW you didn't want anything to do with him and the funeral.

It's also very odd you think he should have called to express "condolences". REALLY?

I understand you probably had your reasons but to complain about him HONORING your wishes to NOT BE INVOLVED is kinda hypocritical.
Obviously, I did a very poor job of verbalizing what our family experienced when my husband died.

I was not offended at all that our son didn't call, and I didn't prevent the others from calling him (they were adults and they knew how to use a phone and send emails), I just asked that they wait until after the funeral.

This son has had numerous run-ins with the law, starting when he was 12 as well as substance abuse issues. He's 30 years old, has been in jail, had four kids with his girlfriend, all of whom have been removed from their home, parental rights terminated and put up for adoption due to child abuse/neglect.

We had all tried for years to help this son though counseling and interventions among many things, but in the end realized that there was nothing more any of us could do to help him until he wanted help. We decided that in order to have peace in the family, we needed to accept that it was best that we cut ties with him. My husband didn't want a service of any kind (because of his position in our community, there was really no way not to have a service) and had made it clear over the years that he had been violated by this child one too many times, as had we all.

The other kids knew this, and had agreed they didn't want him at the funeral, but they wanted to call him to let him know his dad had died as a courtesy to him. We had no idea he already knew.

No one thought he should have expressed "condolences" and would have been very surprised if he had.

Not all estrangements are due to failures of the parents. In many cases, the parents and siblings (and extended family) keep trying over and over to help the child who has problems, only to be figuratively slapped in the face repeatedly until they realize there's just no more help they can offer. At that point, the family has to move on with their lives and hope that someday the child will seek the help they need.

Last edited by Marcy1210; 11-13-2013 at 02:11 AM.. Reason: clarification, hopefully
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-13-2013, 11:02 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,432 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
Obviously, I did a very poor job of verbalizing what our family experienced when my husband died.

I was not offended at all that our son didn't call, and I didn't prevent the others from calling him (they were adults and they knew how to use a phone and send emails), I just asked that they wait until after the funeral.

This son has had numerous run-ins with the law, starting when he was 12 as well as substance abuse issues. He's 30 years old, has been in jail, had four kids with his girlfriend, all of whom have been removed from their home, parental rights terminated and put up for adoption due to child abuse/neglect.

We had all tried for years to help this son though counseling and interventions among many things, but in the end realized that there was nothing more any of us could do to help him until he wanted help. We decided that in order to have peace in the family, we needed to accept that it was best that we cut ties with him. My husband didn't want a service of any kind (because of his position in our community, there was really no way not to have a service) and had made it clear over the years that he had been violated by this child one too many times, as had we all.

The other kids knew this, and had agreed they didn't want him at the funeral, but they wanted to call him to let him know his dad had died as a courtesy to him. We had no idea he already knew.

No one thought he should have expressed "condolences" and would have been very surprised if he had.

Not all estrangements are due to failures of the parents. In many cases, the parents and siblings (and extended family) keep trying over and over to help the child who has problems, only to be figuratively slapped in the face repeatedly until they realize there's just no more help they can offer. At that point, the family has to move on with their lives and hope that someday the child will seek the help they need.
Thanks, Marcy. You needn't've justified yourself but glad you did 'cause we who have been here with you since you first started posting have gotten to know a bit more of the sorrows in your life. (((HUGS))) "Knowing" you, I had no doubt there was a BIG reason that your son was estranged. I'm so sorry for the pain it caused you and Bob. I'm surprised you haven't estranged yourself from the daughter who stole all that stuff in the begining of your move.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-13-2013, 04:50 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,802,296 times
Reputation: 61840
Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
To those who have estranged relationships with their parents. Say you no longer keep in contact with them .If they die, would you attend their funeral or just have a normal day as though nothing happened

The choice to attend any funeral is a personal choice no matter what the past situation is.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-13-2013, 05:35 PM
 
Location: Long Neck,De
4,793 posts, read 6,504,876 times
Reputation: 4742
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chava61 View Post
I think one needs to be informed of the death but not necessarily to attend the funeral.

Sent from my GT-S7562 using Tapatalk 2
I will not make any attempt to notify my stepson in the event my wife (his mother) passes. His actions have hurt her badly.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-14-2013, 02:05 AM
 
41 posts, read 51,023 times
Reputation: 101
For the posters situation, I wouldn't go. No benefit exists if you don't need closure and it costs money.

I am estranged from my father's side. His brother died last year and he got upset with my siblings and I (the three of us have the same mom- and he has 6 older kids from other relationships and 3 younger kids from his current marriage). None of us three went to the funeral as it was in a different state, and we learned about our uncles death nearly 30 days after he died(weeks after the funeral). And then last month his mother died and only my older sister went down to say good bye to her at the hospital(she was in the same state as my uncle). When my sister flew back home our grandmother died. My sister could not afford to fly back out. She told my brother and I that our father was upset that we did not attend her funeral although none of us had a relationship with her(she was never mean to us or anything we were just always closer to our mom's family) and hadn't spoken to her in years. Our father was an abusive husband and father in our case so we tend to stay away even in adulthood. His family would not step in to check him so we don't usually associate with them as the saviors of our childhood were our mom's family.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-14-2013, 08:59 AM
 
Location: Volcano
12,971 posts, read 22,618,890 times
Reputation: 10524
Funerals are for the living. They facilitate people accepting the fact of death and releasing the emotional connection they felt with the deceased, whether that relationship was positive or negative in nature. Attendance at a funeral is an opportunity to let go, but whether or not someone chooses to take advantage of that opportunity should be their own personal choice, for whatever reason they have. It's fundamentally nobody else's business.

It's certainly a mistake to assume that someone is estranged from a relative for a good reason. Sometimes the reason is well founded, sometimes it is a total mistake. It can even happen for no reason other than that one person gets too self-involved, or too lazy, or too busy, or too careless to keep up the connection. Their estrangement may not even have anything to do with the person they are estranged from. In fact, the person they are estranged from may not even know the reason why.

So I think it is a simple matter of common courtesy to notify everyone concerned when a death occurs, and then let them make their own choices about how they wish to participate or not in the funeral or memorial services.

Working out family dynamics by choosing who to notify and who not to notify is dishonest, and should be avoided.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-14-2013, 06:12 PM
 
Location: Long Neck,De
4,793 posts, read 6,504,876 times
Reputation: 4742
Quote:
Originally Posted by OpenD View Post
Working out family dynamics by choosing who to notify and who not to notify is dishonest, and should be avoided.
I disagree. Why give some hurtful person a chance to say they don't care??
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-16-2013, 03:34 PM
 
59 posts, read 79,300 times
Reputation: 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mack Knife View Post
What you did was take it upon yourself to make a decision that wasn't yours to make. You can't know what people think at the time of someone else's death. You took upon yourself to do that. Almost certainly, you made sure what what was will continue to be.

It takes the bigger person to reach out to the other in times that that to make peace, set a new direction and perhaps bring a family together. By reinforcing the old, no matter who started it, the death of the Father and Husband were in some respects, diminished. I note that you never mentioned the wishes of your husband, only yours.

It's not too late.
Exactly! Amen and Thank you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-16-2013, 03:39 PM
 
59 posts, read 79,300 times
Reputation: 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
If by high road you mean going to the funeral, IMO it costs me too much money and time to go there and faux some crocodile tears. I do NOT love her, if she dies, its like hearing that a celebrity you knew died but you were not even fond of them. So what? You just switch channels & keep it moving.

And yes, I'm sure about my feelings for this woman, I have tried to love her, tried to forgive her but she hurt me so much people I'm surprised I'm still contemplating going to her funeral, most people in my position would not go at all or just pop champagne once she is gone!
Have a great weekend.

Last edited by biznotjobs; 11-16-2013 at 03:51 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-16-2013, 06:04 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,520,978 times
Reputation: 19578
Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post


The bolded has me puzzled. Even if you are in contact with them you wont know they have passed on until someone else tells you. Where I am from, dead people do not announce their own deaths

But thanks for answering. My mom is undergoing chemo. She might live she might die. If she dies I won''t be bothered in my heart, I think I actually will be relieved at the least if not downright happy. She was very evil in her lifetime. I have been pondering if I should attend her funeral. We live in different places & its only going to cost me money to go to her funeral. I can not justify spending a penny to visit her if I'm not grieving. On the other hand, I am afraid that if I dont go, I will aggreviate some relatives & have some people not attending my own funeral. Plus people would talk

Alternatively I could go there and say a really bad speech about her? But I'm scared to be the first person in history to talk negatively about the dead:crying:
The bolded, imo, is just awful. I am sorry you had such a relationship with your mother, but when I have found when people know they are dying, sometimes things change.

I have no idea what kind of evil you are talking about, but I think you should spend that penny now. She may have regrets and she may want to talk to you about them.

I have lost both of my parents, and what I wouldn't give to have another day with them. I don't know how old you are, OP, but I have read plenty of your posts and threads here and there. I think you may want to take some time to look within yourself at some of the things you have done and are doing in your life. You've posted plenty of it here.

YOu may regret it one day if you don't at least say goodbye while she is still living.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top