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Old 11-23-2007, 12:43 AM
Location: in drifts of snow wherever you go
2,493 posts, read 3,069,246 times
Reputation: 692


Sorry, you asked about medication. I would think some type of valium would help calm your fiance down. I have something that a friend gave me that I take now and then. It's basically some type of valium. It calms me down within minutes and then I sleep like a log. Wonderful stuff. If you have any valium, give her a little bit of that. It's going to take a few days for her to settle down.

In regards to the guilt. It's not her fault, and she is going to have to train her mind not to think that way. How you do that, is you don't let the thoughts in and eventually they go away. But this is something you can work on over time.

For now, you have to get through the shock. It is very difficult to grasp why someone is so suddenly gone. It can feel like too much to handle, especially when you are so young. When we are 25, we still imagine we have an entire lifetime stretched ahead of us. As we get older, as I am, we see ourselves age and we know, that our time is limited. But when you are young, no. you think, how could this happen.

And the guilt. It's more than guilt. It's a way of feeling that somehow we can control things. It's a way of dealing with the absolute helplessness of it all, imagining that somehow you had the power to prevent it all at a time when you feel so powerless. Do you understand? Best thing to do is get some rest and some sleep when you can. Our minds have a way of working through this stuff, and rest is important.

Take good care of those dogs. You know her biggest worry was leaving them alone. She loved those dogs...


Last edited by GreenMachine; 11-23-2007 at 12:53 AM..
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Old 11-23-2007, 12:53 AM
Location: somewhere between Florida and New England
333 posts, read 328,883 times
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Originally Posted by GreenMachine View Post
That's terrible. How sad for those poor dogs who won't see their mom again. I hate to ask, but what exactly happened? This poor woman was out driving to see family for Thanksgiving and something terrible happened? I'm sure everyone is in shock. What a thing to have happen.
We don't know most of the details - I just know it was a terrible accident and they are waiting for the toxicology tests to determine if the other driver was drunk, had a medical condition behind the wheel, was fatigued or just reckless driving.

Both pups know something isn't right. They are normally hyper boxers but neither will eat and they will not leave my fiancee's side. What a night

A friend suggested alprozam. Do either valium or alprozam have negative side effects that you know of?

Last edited by sliver203; 11-23-2007 at 01:01 AM..
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Old 11-23-2007, 01:32 AM
Location: NE Florida
17,835 posts, read 29,425,774 times
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Silver - I am so sorry for your loss.
I was about your age when I lost my parents and a few years later lost a very dear friend.
It sucks* there is no other word I can think of.

Having all of her friends together can offer great support.
Please don't beat yourselves up with the "what ifs" You can not blame yourselves for someone else doing something no matter what that caused the accident.

allow yourselves to grieve, grieving is normal as is the the other feelings you will experience.
I would not look at medication unless it really is the last resort.
Also something that may help in a small way, you mentioned that her family is far away, the fact that she spent time with you both and was such a good friend will offer comfort to her family.
You will be able to share wonderful memories of her and the times you enjoyed with her family. It really does help to talk about her and more important just be there to listen. After my mom died people were hesitant to talk about her because they thought it would upset me. When in reality the talking helps with the grieving process.

Remember she loved and trusted you so much to leave her dogs in your care. That speaks volumes of how she felt.

May the memories you hold in your heart help you through these difficult times.

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Old 11-23-2007, 06:07 AM
Location: Lil' town in Virginia
283 posts, read 479,784 times
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Silver, so sorry to hear of your loss. I personally lost my best friend in a car accident 3 years ago, I have to say it was one of the most difficult things I've ever gone through.

The first thing you have to do is deal with the guilt that you're feeling. We don't have a choice of when we die, and there is no way you could have stopped it. Please both of you give yourselves some time to grieve and mourn your loss. Not sure if medication is the right answer right now unless your fiance' is hysterical. I'm sure she was just thankful that her dogs were being well taken care of, and what good friends you were.

Hold on to those special memories that you all had. Right now the grief is to new, but in time, it will ease. I'm sure it doesn't feel like that now, but it will. There hasn't been a day in the past 3 years that I haven't thought of my friend. I quote him often, or just think of his silly ways. I even started finding weird pennies (long story). Your friend will never leave you if you keep her close to your heart.

I pray that you will find peace with this and that your friend is resting with our Father.
Sorry, I know you're not religious. So I just ask for peace for you.

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Old 11-23-2007, 07:53 AM
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 7,840,277 times
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Also, getting through the next few days- the services, funeral, etc will all help to bring closure although they are hard days. Being around other people who loved her too, seeing her family, really letting this sink in.

Medicine may help you with sleeping and relaxing in the mean time.

I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope both of you can find peace in this soon.
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Old 11-23-2007, 08:12 AM
204 posts, read 697,531 times
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Christmas Day of 2005 our daughter called us-hysterical. Her husband's best friend was discovered in his house after shooting himself in the head. He was their friend, best man and Son In Law's best friend since childhood. It was a terribly heart wrenching and depressing time for all but time heals all wounds.

Right after HS grad'n many years ago) my best friend was killed in a car accident-didn't think I could make it thru-but we all did-with each other to lean on. She is still in my mind and heart after all these years (40+).

I know that's a trite saying but believe me it works-think of the good times, make sure you spend lots of time with friends you both shared and re-live the good memories. Bless you both.
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Old 11-23-2007, 10:28 AM
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,929,857 times
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Originally Posted by aiangel_writer View Post
I can see where she would be feeling guilty, as she encouraged her to go ahead. Yet, we make these type of decisions each day and never think twice about it. Your fiancee was being a good friend in offering to keep the animals. And she will need to work thru this grief, anger and self blame.

I don't know if you guys are christian or what, but if you are, seek out your pastor, if not and your fiancee does not seem to be able to let go of the guilt, counceling should be a serious consideration.

i'm always available if you would like to dm me. blessings to you and your fiancee...aiangel
I would second just about everything ai-angel said here. I have lost close friends and loved ones, but my really intense experience with grief comes from losing my 16 year old son in a car accident six years ago.

Since then I have read a lot about grief and one thing I can tell you is that it is very, very and let me add about 5 more "verys" here, common to experience guilt after someone close to us dies. It is also not uncommon to feel either correctly or incorrectly that we somehow unwittingly played a part in what happened. For example, in my own case, my son died while spending the night with another boy. That night when he called to ask permission to stay over, my husband took the call and told him "no," that he needed to come home that night. But, in the background, I told my husband that I thought he should permit him to stay. So my husband relented and let him. Consequently, my son, his friend and one other boy died that night.

I also remember our financial advisor sharing with us that years ago when she was about 18, her father was going on a business trip, he woke her up and asked her to drive him to the airport and she didn't want to get up and do it. So he drove himself and was killed in an accident on the way to the airport. She always wondered how things might have been different had she gotten up and driven him that morning.

The fact of the matter is we can't anticipate the future, and we can't control everything. Like ai-angel said, we make these kind of decisions all the time and most of the time, everything is fine. That's really the only way we can live. Otherwise, we would just be living constantly in the paralyzing fear of "what ifs." At the end of the day, we just have to forgive ourselves for any guilt, real or imagined or somewhere in between and move on.

My condolences on the loss of your friend. I know you said you weren't religious but I will be praying for you. It's tough, I know. I often call them "the evil twins"--guilt and regret.
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Old 11-23-2007, 05:39 PM
768 posts, read 1,891,208 times
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My condolences on the loss, it does suck. I lost a good friend earlier this year and I'm still not really "reconciled" to it. The posters have had some good suggestions so I don't have anything additional to offer other than hugs. Take care of yourself, and the dogs.
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Old 11-24-2007, 01:03 PM
558 posts, read 2,023,463 times
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My DH and I experienced the violent deaths of both of his best friends--years ago--and they are still loved and never forgotten. I would only offer that it helped to be able to talk about what happened over and over, it seemed to help the brain process it and get through it. We kept talking about what happened, and our feelings about everything, for hours and hours, over several years.

Eventually, over time, it becomes like a healed-over wound--it doesn't hurt anymore, but the scar tissue is always there, making sure you never forget them...that's how they live on in our hearts.
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Old 11-24-2007, 01:11 PM
25,574 posts, read 23,784,967 times
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I've lost lots of friends to dying. Many died young, so senselessly. One was murdered, another died of a brain anurism at the young age of 37, another died of HIV (back in 1990) and another had some type of bone marrow cancer. My old boss was shot 3 times and robbed (here in Calif) but thank gawd he lived. My friend from high school told me she lost 3 fiance's....all died shortly before they were supposed to be married. One drowned at the beach, another killed in a motorcycle accident and her 3rd died of some type of cancer. I can only imagine how tough it had to be for her. This doesnt even include relatives Ive lost, most of the women in my family, breast cancer runs heriditary in the women in our family, and the men to heart related issues.
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