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Old 11-15-2013, 09:55 AM
 
Location: it depends
6,369 posts, read 6,376,961 times
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Sorry for being blunt. My bride of nearly four decades is very ill and probably will not survive more than two or three years. In my circle of acquaintances, I know quite a few people who have been through the huge loss of a beloved spouse. Some seem to bounce back and get to where they can appreciate and enjoy life; others seem to suffer ever after from their loss.

My questions:

1. How long has it been for you?

2. How well have you coped or adjusted?

3. What wisdom would you offer to others?
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Old 11-16-2013, 10:59 AM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,724 posts, read 21,132,820 times
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17 Years.

I've adjusted fine by now, but I still miss her and always will. I'd say it took me a good 3 years to get my head on straight after her death, but that death was sudden and came without warning. The first few months were horrible. By a year I thought I was okay, but looking back on it, I wasn't myself. My decisions were very flawed and based on getting past the loss. I was running away from the pain as fast as I could -- traveling, dating a slew of different women, ignoring my business -- but I couldn't run fast enough. My (now) wife moved in with me after 3 years, and I was doing much better by then.

Try to continue your life without major changes, and don't make any life altering decisions for a few years. Don't get into any serious relationships for the first couple years, at least. You'll likely regret it, and so will she when you finally dig yourself out of your depression and move on. (You WILL suffer from depression for some time, whether you realize it or not.)

My brother lost his wife about a decade after I lost mine, but his wife was very ill with cancer for several years. We talked about the similarities and differences of losing our wives. He suffered for years before her death, knowing it was coming and watching her suffer, while my wife and I were blissfully happy right up to the moment of her death. I was in shock, while it was almost a relief for him. He did some of his mourning before, mine was all after.

I had no regrets about the life my late wife and I had. We lived it to the fullest possible, talked continually, spent all our time together possible, loved deeply, laughed heartily, etc. But I've had friends who regretted that their relationships with their late wives wasn't better. You still have some time to spend with your wife, so I suggest you make the most of it. She's ill, so there are some things she can't do, but you can still be close, support each other, hold each other, talk, and share the love you feel.

I can only relate my own experiences, and that will be true for most posters here. I think it would be wise for you and your wife to talk to a counselor, individually and maybe together. They have a broader view of how each of us might cope and what we can do to make it easier. Talking about it always seems to be good for the soul, and many people won't want to talk about it with you. Your wife might not either. Don't push it, but be sure she knows you will be there when she wants to talk.

I wish you both the best in these remaining years that you have together.

Last edited by WyoNewk; 11-16-2013 at 11:07 AM..
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Old 11-16-2013, 02:29 PM
 
Location: Not where I want to be
24,509 posts, read 24,085,165 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marcopolo View Post
My questions:

1. How long has it been for you?

22 months.

2. How well have you coped or adjusted?

It took me 5 months of excruciating pain in my heart and uncontrollable weeping and gnashing of teeth before I was brought to my knees and begged God to help me. The very next morning I was better. Then it took a few more months to be able to talk about him without crying but I can control that for the mst part now. I'd say I've adjusted pretty well now. If I had any friends or family living near me now I think I'd be able to socialize better.

3. What wisdom would you offer to others?
WyoNewk said most of the advice I would give. Do NOT let others tell you how you should feel or act after your spouse has passed. Grief takes it's own time and course.

I wish you all the time left for you and your wife are filled with joy and love albeit sadness too.
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Old 11-17-2013, 01:34 AM
 
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
4,922 posts, read 8,529,509 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marcopolo View Post
Sorry for being blunt. My bride of nearly four decades is very ill and probably will not survive more than two or three years. In my circle of acquaintances, I know quite a few people who have been through the huge loss of a beloved spouse. Some seem to bounce back and get to where they can appreciate and enjoy life; others seem to suffer ever after from their loss.

My questions:

1. How long has it been for you?

2. How well have you coped or adjusted?

3. What wisdom would you offer to others?
4 years

Fair to middlin'. I had some very major decisions to make in the first four months which, if can be avoided, shouldn't be made. I had to sell my home of 40 years, move to a new city where I knew no one, close down my husband's law practice, and make major decisions based on his will. Since he died suddenly, without warning, I was in total and complete shock for at least a year, and making those major life decisions while in shock shut down all the grief I felt. It has taken the last three years to finally feel the grief, but after this long, I'm still shoving it down and not letting it out, so I cry easily and often, then force myself to have a "stiff upper lip" and be strong. I have a feeling I will never grieve fully. I get by, do my work, volunteer in my community, and one day melts into the next and before I know it, another year has passed. But, I am numb still, and not sure if or when I'll ever feel human again...

Let yourself grieve. Take time. Don't make big decisions immediately. Cry when and where you want and need to. Don't hold your feelings in. Don't try to be brave and strong. Don't look for or rush into another relationship, no matter how lonely you feel. It won't help, and may even make things worse. There is no timetable for grief, no matter what anyone says. Don't listen to people who say it's time to move on. You'll know when it is. Trust yourself. If it will help, see a therapist, read books on grief, go to a grief counselling group, get help for depression and take care of yourself. Put yourself first, because this IS about you. Eat well. Sleep well (get a Rx if you need). Take it easy. Don't push yourself. Don't be something you're not ready to be. Listen to your heart. But most of all take good care of yourself.
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Old 11-17-2013, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Not where I want to be
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Excellent post, Marcy.
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Old 11-17-2013, 07:38 PM
 
Location: it depends
6,369 posts, read 6,376,961 times
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Marcy, Tam, Wyo and Looking, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Today had tough moments, as her decreasing capacities became more evident than ever. So when I fired up the machinery to read your posts, they really were appreciated.

Wyo, I feel like I'm in your brother's spot, knowing what's coming and grieving in pieces as we go along. And I think that lightens the future burden, without minimizing the raw pain ahead. You who went through the aftermath of sudden death, my heart goes out to you.

I know there will be a day when I stand alone, with tears running down my face, a bundle of pain. But I know that there will be a day beyond that, when I stand alone with a smile on my face and good memories running through my mind.

As I said in my original post, I know widows/widowers who suffer greatly day in and day out for years and decades--and others who seem to learn that they can live with their losses. One thing I read somewhere is that "healing" is not quite right--we end up with big holes in us, and what we learn is that we can live with the holes, not that the holes get better or heal, they are always there. Seemed to make sense, but I have not lived through what you all have lived through.

Again, thank you all. You are sterling human beings to take time to help a stranger.
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Old 11-17-2013, 10:11 PM
 
Location: Not where I want to be
24,509 posts, read 24,085,165 times
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marco, you are quite correct about the holes. I never thought of this like that. I posted earlier tonight in another thread that later in the grief process, the pain and tears are only contained and controlled, never fully gone.

I'm sorry you and your wife had a tough time today. Nah, nothing sterling about me, just trying to help another human being who is on the threshold of what I know will be a devastating time. Thank you though.

My best,
tami
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Old 11-19-2013, 04:20 PM
 
1,627 posts, read 3,199,142 times
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Marco, seventeen months at end of month.
I think everyone copes and adjusts at their own pace. I know I am so-so but still have a ways to go. I also suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome.
My advice is to entertain grief counseling. Don't fight your feelings but let those in your circle know how you feel. Expectations from others: advice: HAVE NONE!! The sad truth life goes on in everyone's life while your world stops. Know you will be emotional and you will have times you are way up and other times you are way down. Grief will take you on a merry go around. Just don't hold anything in, let it all out.
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Old 11-19-2013, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
2,449 posts, read 2,860,557 times
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For me, it's been 11 years. I agree with do not make any serious life changes for the first year. I had PTSD really bad for the first 3, and was seeing a therapist. He died a sudden, horrible death. I was a real mess for the first 5. Do not let anyone tell you how long is long enough to grieve. Savor the time you have together. I know Bill and I did, and it's those memories and the real love and friendship we had that helped me go on. Thoughts and prayers to you both.
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Old 11-19-2013, 08:05 PM
 
Location: Philaburbia
41,699 posts, read 74,645,479 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marcopolo View Post
Sorry for being blunt. My bride of nearly four decades is very ill and probably will not survive more than two or three years.
I'm so very sorry.

Quote:
1. How long has it been for you?
Two years

Quote:
2. How well have you coped or adjusted?
Meh. I get up, get dressed, and leave the house every day, but I'm still figuring out how to reinvent myself. I'm leaving my old job for a new one, so that may help get me out of a rut.

Quote:
3. What wisdom would you offer to others?
Because your wife is seriously ill, you'll grieve long before she passes -- I'm sure you already are. It's so heartbreaking to watch someone you love grow weaker. If at all possible, talk with her about what you're feeling, and listen to her, too. It might be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but I don't think I was ever more in love with my husband than during those conversations.

Both before and after, you will be blindsided by grief at moments when you least expect it, even several years afterward. The most innocuous things will trigger waves of sadness, but most of the time it fades as quickly as it came on.

Seek out friends and family who share your memories of her. Don't be afraid to lean on people.

But don't be afraid to be alone at times. After being a caregiver for so long, being alone does help you heal.

Oh, and that's another thing: For a few weeks and months after your wife passes, your friends and family will be attentive -- they'll call, they'll come visit, etc. Expect that to fall off after awhile. It's not right or wrong, it just is life going on.
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