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Old 12-31-2013, 09:31 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,396 posts, read 18,435,180 times
Reputation: 12144

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Happy New Year everybody!!!

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Old 01-06-2014, 07:05 PM
 
Location: Portland OR / Honolulu HI
629 posts, read 684,927 times
Reputation: 1371
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
In the end, suicide is a lone and selfish act and that's especially true in cases like this. Boyfriends struck at Chalktique in a very ugly manner and it worked. It's permeated her life, colored all subsequent relationships and in the end left her sad, vulnerable and in need of a great deal of professional help. That's neither loving nor caring. Rather, while certainly unfortunate, it's also small and mean. He committed a horrendous and desperate act to get back at Chalktique for what; for not putting her life on hold for him in that brief moment and succeeded. Her life's been on hold ever since.

I find it all very sad
I find it hard to believe someone would suddenly choose to end their in a deliberate attempt to cause harm & pain to someone else. Most often, the individual has been struggling and thinking about suicide for awhile. Not to spite someone but to relieve themselves of significant inner hopelessness and depression.

My partner completed suicide nearly 2 years. And I know he never would have done anything to intentionally cause me any harm or pain. I know in his head, he must have slipped into a dark spot and felt depressed and hopeless. I also know he had battled with these thoughts before.

And yet the feelings of pain and guilt I've felt have been enormous, like others of you have also expressed. But in the end, suicide is a very personal and solitary choice that no one controls other than the person who completes it. And we all would do whatevery we could to prevent it if we had any idea it was going to happen.

So there is no reason for guilt. And if others still attempt to place blame 5 years later, it is a sign their grief is unresolved and they need some professional help to move forward.
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Old 01-07-2014, 03:36 AM
 
Location: Ouachita Mtns of Arkansas
1,923 posts, read 2,544,506 times
Reputation: 3521
Lilyflower, everyone makes their own decisions. My daughter is going through this as we speak. Her ex-boyfriend comitted suicide, a couple of weeks ago, after she broke up with him. She is trying her best to cope also and is doing pretty good. At least, on the surface.
Although she never got along with his parents, they did send her a letter telling her to not blame herself. Evidently, they knew that he had problems that she was not aware of. That is helping. I hope you move on and find peace in your life once again and it sounds as if you are.
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Old 01-08-2014, 08:22 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,265,344 times
Reputation: 22271
Quote:
Originally Posted by slingshot View Post
Lilyflower, everyone makes their own decisions. My daughter is going through this as we speak. Her ex-boyfriend comitted suicide, a couple of weeks ago, after she broke up with him. She is trying her best to cope also and is doing pretty good. At least, on the surface.
Although she never got along with his parents, they did send her a letter telling her to not blame herself. Evidently, they knew that he had problems that she was not aware of. That is helping. I hope you move on and find peace in your life once again and it sounds as if you are.
I am always amazed when I see folks step up and do the right thing in a difficult circumstance. I guess I too often see that they don't, yet in my heart, I do believe people are basically good - we are all struggling in some way. So . . . when I read your post in re: to your daughter receiving that letter - it just raised my hope in mankind. That was so very generous of them to reach out and put in writing that they knew she was not to be "blamed" for their son taking his own life.

I hope this helps her move forward. God bless all of you. Such a tough situation to work through.
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Old 01-08-2014, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Ouachita Mtns of Arkansas
1,923 posts, read 2,544,506 times
Reputation: 3521
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
I am always amazed when I see folks step up and do the right thing in a difficult circumstance. I guess I too often see that they don't, yet in my heart, I do believe people are basically good - we are all struggling in some way. So . . . when I read your post in re: to your daughter receiving that letter - it just raised my hope in mankind. That was so very generous of them to reach out and put in writing that they knew she was not to be "blamed" for their son taking his own life.

I hope this helps her move forward. God bless all of you. Such a tough situation to work through.
Thank you 'anifani821' and for the message too. She is doing very well. We talk to her everyday. When she was younger her birth father passed away and then her 'at the time step-father' committed suicide. He had PTSD stemming from his service as a medic in Vietnam. Since then she has been hoping for a father that will always be there for her. That's where I come in. So far so good and I plan on being around for a long long time.
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Old 01-08-2014, 01:38 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
31,396 posts, read 18,435,180 times
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I hope your daughter is doing well, slingshot. Take care!!

Thanks everybody for your kind words and advice.
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Old 02-02-2014, 08:28 AM
 
8 posts, read 10,135 times
Reputation: 21
Hi, thank you for this topic, my situation isn't quite the same, but this is the closest I can find. My husband was severely depressed and attempted suicide at least three times, ending up in the ICU, then put on a psychiatric hold for 2 weeks each time. He had quit taking care of himself--at all. He had gained an enormous amount of weight, drank and smoked heavily, and was very sedentary. So when the H1N1 virus came along + he hadn't had a flu shot, the virus took him in 2 days. He passed 16 days ago. I was so used to the topic of death when it came to him, that although I'm grieving, sad, and horrified, I'm not shocked.

His family has been supportive, although he hadn't seen most of them in 10 years; they really didn't know what shape he was in before he became ill with the virus. They are spread out around the country. His sister has quite a few mental issues and is looking into ways that it could be my fault. I already feel terribly guilty that I couldn't get him up and moving more, and to get his flu shot, I am paralyzed by this guilt, without her input. So now that it's been a couple of weeks, and she's sending me walls of text of anger, I just can't handle it as I'm feeling mentally and emotionally fragile myself. I was never close to her, but care about her and like her. I've decided, for now, to stop responding to her, as she's trying to pick a fight with me and this isn't a "fighting issue" to me. I've ended up having to block her calls/texts and create a rule in my email that sends her emails straight to the trash.

What I'm wondering is, am I being too harsh? Or is there something I could say to make her understand that I didn't murder her brother? I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum. Thank you for any responses.
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Old 02-02-2014, 06:15 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,483 posts, read 15,923,785 times
Reputation: 38781
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachelanne2014 View Post
Hi, thank you for this topic, my situation isn't quite the same, but this is the closest I can find. My husband was severely depressed and attempted suicide at least three times, ending up in the ICU, then put on a psychiatric hold for 2 weeks each time. He had quit taking care of himself--at all. He had gained an enormous amount of weight, drank and smoked heavily, and was very sedentary. So when the H1N1 virus came along + he hadn't had a flu shot, the virus took him in 2 days. He passed 16 days ago. I was so used to the topic of death when it came to him, that although I'm grieving, sad, and horrified, I'm not shocked.

His family has been supportive, although he hadn't seen most of them in 10 years; they really didn't know what shape he was in before he became ill with the virus. They are spread out around the country. His sister has quite a few mental issues and is looking into ways that it could be my fault. I already feel terribly guilty that I couldn't get him up and moving more, and to get his flu shot, I am paralyzed by this guilt, without her input. So now that it's been a couple of weeks, and she's sending me walls of text of anger, I just can't handle it as I'm feeling mentally and emotionally fragile myself. I was never close to her, but care about her and like her. I've decided, for now, to stop responding to her, as she's trying to pick a fight with me and this isn't a "fighting issue" to me. I've ended up having to block her calls/texts and create a rule in my email that sends her emails straight to the trash.

What I'm wondering is, am I being too harsh? Or is there something I could say to make her understand that I didn't murder her brother? I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum. Thank you for any responses.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Is there someone else who can talk to his sister? Perhaps your religious leader? Or a close friend who knew the problems that your husband had recently? if that doesn't work out I would suggest sending her a brief letter explaining more about your husband's problems of the last 10 years and tell her that you are not ready for additional contact.

His sister is probably feeling guilt herself for not "being there" for her brother and that is why she is trying to blame you.
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Old 02-02-2014, 08:16 PM
 
8 posts, read 10,135 times
Reputation: 21
Hi Germaine,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I have one friend who knows her that might be willing to do that. I'll ask her.

Your idea of sending her a letter is also really smart. I'm definitely going to do that. The last time I spoke with her she also asked me for money that I don't have to give her, so I'm going to let her know that I feel that that's inappropriate.

I'm feeling really sad about my husband's death as it is, now I'm worried about his family hating and blaming me, it's just a lot of stress.

Again, thank you so much. I really needed someone to talk to, as it seems like an unusual situation. I feel better just reading your words.
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Old 02-03-2014, 12:28 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,740,923 times
Reputation: 7078
Rachelanne, first I am so sorry for your loss. Even though you knew your husband was depressed and had lost his desire to live, he was still your husband and you loved him. You have memories with him that will be yours forever, good and bad, and he was your life for many years. Your grief is no less than anyone else who's lost a loved one and it should be respected.

I agree with Germaine that a very polite letter to your sister-in-law would be appropriate. Sometimes when a loved one dies unexpectedly, their families can't understand why it would happen, so they find a way to deal with it by blaming someone. It's easier to deal with the loss when they can find a reason for it, and oftentimes, that results in blaming the person who "should have known....." and done something about it. But, you couldn't have done anything to protect him from the flu. Remember, even if he'd had the flu shot, it's still not 100% effective, so it may have taken him anyway, especially if he'd not been taking care of himself. That happens more often than you know, especially with the infirm who often develop secondary problems like pneumonia from getting the flu. So, please don't feel guilty and please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault, and there's nothing you could have done to prevent him from getting the flu. You're going through enough right now, that self-blame shouldn't be a part of your loss and grief.

I'm glad his family is being supportive. Take that as love for you and embrace it. The sister has her own issues, and right now, you shouldn't have to deal with her. It's also not your job to explain things to her, but I think it's nice that you are willing to do so. Also, beware of people asking for money, even family members. It's not your job to help them out. You're in no shape to deal with that. Your job is to take care of you, eat well, get sleep, and find ways to grieve in a healthy way. There are support groups, friends who can help and of course this board.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you will take care of you, first. Grief is personal and individual, and takes time. Do what is best for you and don't listen to other people. Be good to yourself, and take care.
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