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Orion2, please don't be disturbed because your brother is not expressing his emotions in front of you. Some people prefer to grieve in private and it their own way. I know that when I am grieving I want to be alone.
...We weren't close with our sister, she was 18 years older than me and my brother is 8 years my senior so we were all basically only children. ....
It sounds as if you have pointed out something very significant, which rings very true to me. "...so we were all basically only children."
With a ten-year spread between your brother and sister, I can very easily see how there would not be a close relationship, and any "love" if he used it might have simply been the normal locution for a sister-brother relationship, but not necessarily one which had any emotional load for him.
Perhaps he is not personally moved by the loss of someone he feels no close connexion with. And that would be, in my estimation, a perfectly normal reaction. Perhaps he isn't expressing his "loss," differently or privately. Maybe what you see is what he feels.
I'm a pretty empathetic person, but I have odd reactions when people die. I tend to remain cheerful and active after the initial shock and set about getting what needs to be done, done. It was only recently that I realized people find this very offputting, actually.
I tend to grieve alone, usually a month or so after the person has passed. When the viewing, funeral, burial are all done and long over. It's just what I do.
I'm a pretty empathetic person, but I have odd reactions when people die. I tend to remain cheerful and active after the initial shock and set about getting what needs to be done, done. It was only recently that I realized people find this very offputting, actually.
I tend to grieve alone, usually a month or so after the person has passed. When the viewing, funeral, burial are all done and long over. It's just what I do.
That delay makes sense sometimes. For instance at this time of year, when for the first time you don't get a christmas card anymore and you realize that the person is gone forever...
It was exactly a week ago today that I took our dog to the vet for what I expected would be a routine issue and the vet told me it was time to make the decision to euthanize him. It was supposedly my brother's dog so I called him and asked if he'd like to be there. He said he didn't have time, he was at the doctor's office although I told him the vet was willing to wait he declined.
That same day he asked about getting another dog. I wasn't surprised, I know my brother. I pointed out our other dog is possessive and wouldn't accept a new dog easily, it would have to be a puppy. On Saturday we adopted a rescue puppy. He's adorable but my heart is heavy missing our old dog and thinking how hard his life might have been at the end.
Then today I received a note from my niece saying that a month to the day after her dad, my former brother-in-law died, her mom, my sister died. My brother wasn't home when I read it so I processed it alone for a couple of hours. When I told my brother he had no visible reaction. He didn't ask any questions and went on about the evening as if nothing happened. I don't know if he feels anything at all over our sister's death. It was only the 3 of us left, our parents died some time ago and our extended family has never been close.
We weren't close with our sister, she was 18 years older than me and my brother is 8 years my senior so we were all basically only children. But I am always find it difficult to understand my brother's seeming lack of emotion when someone/thing he claims to love dies. He has no outward show of emotion and doesn't seem to change his behavior. There have been many terrible events in our family so I think he may have learned not to care, I don't know but it disturbs me.
I'm very sad and feel the world is not as kind or gentle now that my sister is no longer in it. I hold my early memories of her close and am thankful she was part of my life. I regret that life was not kinder and more gentle to her.
Once you aired all of this on a public forum you were open to any replies.
I see this as being all about you and you resent your brother somewhat. The dog thing I would have handled if my dog but your sister is another story. You and he have different memories of the woman and you will never know of them.
Let it go.
He's dealing with the loss in a way that may only make sense to him. My mother died 4 years ago when I was 19 years old. I found her body in the bathroom on the floor. I have 3 other siblings and at the time I was the only one living with my mom. I probably broke down and cried for a total of 30 seconds before I told myself to pull it together and let everyone else know. From the moment..I never cried or showed in sadness around other people. I felt like I had to be the strong one and keep it together for everyone else and that I would be OK, because everything was fine. Then after the funeral I started throwing parties at house almost every night for about two weeks straight. An outside would look at this behavior as odd and maybe borderline disrespectful to my mom's passing. But I didn't even look at it that way or think that anyone would look at it that way. Too me, I was forcing myself to crowd as many people around me as possible as often as possible so I didn't have to come face to face and deal with silence in the house nor the silence within myself. As long as people were around, I was not allowed to mourn, to feel, to grieve, to cry. If anyone said "I am sorry for your loss," I would instantly have to fight back the urge to punch them in their face.
I laughed, giggled, and entertained until one night the parties were over and the people were gone and it was just me, and loss I felt inside myself and every artifact in the house painstakingly reminded my heart of absence of the woman who had loved me longer and unconditionally than any other person in this world. It was truly tragic.
Do I wish I had acted or chose to mourn any in other way? No. Because at the time, that is what made sense to me. That was the only way my brain knew to protect me from have a complete mental break down, which is what happened to my sister and she's still recovering from it. My advice would be to let him come to terms with the loss he feels, in the way he feels he needs to. And if he doesn't feel any loss or grief from the deaths, so let it be. It's not our business nor is it our place to tell someone else how they should or should not feel in any circumstance or situation. I do hope you feel better soon.
While your brother does have a "right" to grieve, or not grieve, in his own way, his lack of response to loss leaves you, the OP, to grieve alone. If you do not have anyone in your life to talk about your loss to, then I suggest making an appointment with a talk therapist so you can go over your feelings and come to some acceptance with how your brother relates to loss as well.
Save your judgement on him. He may or may not care that much. He doesn't have any internal issue and you aren't entitled to see what he does feel. Maybe he has moved on quite quickly. A lot of people may regret someone's death but they aren't going to express grief outwardly.
thank you all for your replies, i feel less alone. my brother has never shown much emotion when he has experienced loss, our parents, his children, pets...i don't know if it because he is incapable of attachment or expression of emotion but it makes it more difficult for me. and yes, it is all about me right now because i'm reaching out for support. if my brother were obviously grieving we could comfort each other, as it is i am completely alone.
someone wrote that he might be a psychopath, i never considered it but i suppose it's possible. they are not all horrible people, they exist as we all do on a continuum. aspergers is another consideration. he is disabled and i don't know what his diagnosis is but he has a developmental delay and most probably a personality disorder. i can't diagnose but there is something wrong.
i don't think i'm judging him, he is the product of his experiences and abilities which he has no control over. i think that made him emotionally shallow. i feel hollow and bereft of familial support.
not having that, and being unable to connect with friends due to schedule conflicts for the next few weeks i'm left with little opportunity to vent my grief. i don't want to talk about it at work and risk falling apart there and although i've not posted to this board previously i have found message boards supportive in the past. although i can't see and will probably never know anyone here just knowing i'm not alone in my pain is helpful.
thanks again for reading and taking the time to post, i may not agree with what you wrote but i do appreciate it and thank you for it.
Sorry to hear of your loss, I can see where this must be a very difficult time for you.
Massive Cyber hugs.
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