Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My 34-year old younger brother passed 5 days ago and I am still struggling with it. Let me tell you a little bit about him.
My brother was born with a serious birth defect. For his whole life, he had the mentality of a 1-year old. He could not speak, and he could not understand you when you spoke to him. He lived in group homes with other mentally disabled people for most of his life. When my parents and I would go to visit him, he would ignore us for the most part and just play with his toy. He didn't have the capacity to understand the concept of family and I don't think he knew we were special people in his life. It was like we were strangers to him. That's how bad his condition was.
My parents actually visited him a lot more than I did. They would always visit him 1-2 times every month, and they always visited him on weekdays while I was working, so I was usually unable to go with them. The group home was also an hour away from us, so it wasn't the most convenient place to visit. Because of this, I only visited him maybe a couple times each year. I also thought that there wasn't much point in visiting him more often, since he didn't know who I was.
The last time I visited him was in June, when his health started deteriorating. He hadn't eaten in a while. After that, my parents started visiting him more often. But they told me that he started eating again and seemed OK, so I thought his health had stabilized and I didn't visit him again. That visit in June was the last time that I saw him alive.
Now I wonder - if my brother is out there somewhere, what does he think of me? Does he have negative feelings of me since I visited so infrequently? If so, then I don't blame him. I feel like I was a horrible brother to him, that I wasn't the big brother that I should have been. He deserved a better brother than me. I am crying as I type this.
To my brother - I am sorry and I hope that you can forgive me. I will always love you and miss you.
californiawomann5, I'm not a religious person, but still, thank you for your prayers.
Slcity,
I know you say you are not a religious person but what do you have to lose? It appears you are hurting so what harm would come from exploring the bible a little bit?
It is my understanding that your brother is in heaven free from the body he had living here with us. What consolation! Even better for you...you don't have to feel guilty for not being a huge presence in his life. It was a tough time and as a non-denominational church attender you can reach out to God to help you through this guilt.
As one human to another...do NOT be so hard on yourself. You were there for him because you did show up and he knew who you were. You love him and he you and the last thing he would want you to do is to hurt right now. Mourn and then keep his memory alive by talking about him. Don't close up out of grief and guilt. Again...don't be so hard on yourself and realize that is you can't forgive yourself turn to someone who already has
Slcity, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry you're crying while writing this. You're grieving your brother and that's normal. You're supposed to be sad. His passing makes me feel sad and I never knew him. I'm sure you weren't a terrible brother. If you were you wouldn't be feeling so strongly for him now. How were you supposed to be an active big brother if he was so limited? Please don't be hard on yourself. I'm sure you did more than you're giving yourself credit for, even if you only visited infrequently. You need to think of a time when you visited him or had good thoughts about him and focus on that. I'm sure you were never mean to him and some brothers may have been. I comfort myself all the time by saying to myself that I did the best I could at the time. It may not have been as good as it could have been if I was older, if I knew what the future held, all sorts of things. I feel terrible about the last time I saw my Grandmother. She was in a home, she was happy to see me, she asked for my kids, I didn't spend the time with her that I should have. It kills me to think of it. But I tell myself that I was good to her, I loved her, and if I could do it all over again I would have visited her daily. Death is such a hard thing to understand until it actually happens. You didn't know your brother was going to pass. I'm thinking of you and wishing you some peaceful feelings.
Thanks for your thoughts, breakingbad. I'm not against the possibility of heaven, and it is comforting to think that my brother may be up there now, free from the body that he had on Earth and able to experience things that he couldn't on Earth.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
4,922 posts, read 8,572,682 times
Reputation: 8044
slcity, your brother is with you always. You carry him in your heart and you think of him often. I'm not a religious person, either, but I do believe that death is just another event, and that our loved ones are always with us, just in a different, but parallel and intersecting universe. Your brother felt your love (like an infant feels sibling love) and in his own way, loved you back. That will never die.
So many people, myself included, have had signs that our loved ones haven't left us, just shape-shifted if you will. I truly believe your brother is able to communicate now and is whole. You will get a sign from him at some point. It may take months, but it will come. Pennies in extremely odd places that you know they would or could never be on their own is one sign. You may dream of him and he may talk to you in your dream. But, he will let you know he's okay one way or another, and when he does, you'll feel good about your role as a brother.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
