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Old 12-28-2013, 06:38 PM
 
Location: ATL -> HOU
4,129 posts, read 3,226,553 times
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I'm sorry to hear about your loss. How much did the ex wife keep in touch? If the alimony is really the only thing that kept them in contact, then I wouldn't have her there. If she didn't make any effort to stay in his life then she shouldn't be there.
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Old 12-28-2013, 07:12 PM
 
2,800 posts, read 2,476,735 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sedimenjerry View Post
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. How much did the ex wife keep in touch? If the alimony is really the only thing that kept them in contact, then I wouldn't have her there. If she didn't make any effort to stay in his life then she shouldn't be there.


I could understand her not keeping in touch with the ex-husband, but she did not even keep in touch with the children. Not only that, but one of the children would feel uncomfortable if she were there. She should not be notified, and if she shows up, she should be kept as far away from the proceedings as possible.
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:00 PM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,874 posts, read 12,931,398 times
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I'm sorry for your loss, Oildog. I lost my father a decade ago and it's still hard, so you have my sympathy.

There's one thing I don't understand about your question. The children who are in their 40s ... are they your half-siblings, the children of your father and his ex-wife? If so, no matter what you perceive as their lack of a relationship with him, they have a right to be invited to their father's funeral. Sometimes the people we most need to say a proper good-bye to are those with whom we've had difficult relationships. So please don't take it upon yourself to decide whether or not they should attend. If they don't want to come, they will stay home. If I've misunderstood that part of your question, I apologize.

As for the ex-wife, that seems to me to be up to you. But honestly, if they were married long enough that he is still paying alimony to her, and especially if they had children together, that's a major relationship in a person's life that has not really ended since neither has remarried. I personally would error on the side of respecting it. He didn't marry his current girlfriend, so unless he wrote something in his will that gives her the power of a legal spouse, she really doesn't have much to say about his funeral from a legal standpoint. If people want legal rights they should get married (which is why I believe any couple that WANTS to marry should have the right to).

I had two uncles who died with exes in the picture, both of whom might well meet your description of your father's ex. Both families dealt with the issue in the same way. These people were Catholic, so they had funeral masses in a church, in addition to a graveside service afterward. The exes were notified about the death and told the time and place of the funeral mass only. They were not invited to the grave site, which is often even listed in an obituary as "burial will be private." In both cases the exes did attend the mass but they were seated by an usher apart from the family and they behaved. If the mortuary service and the burial are two separate days, you could inform her of the public service only. If you point out the ex to the funeral personnel, they should be able to keep an eye on her at the mortuary and keep her away from the final private burial service. They are trained to handle histrionics.
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:25 PM
 
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Inviting a divorced spouse to the funeral is like inviting fired employees to a company picnic.
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Old 12-28-2013, 09:19 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
41,037 posts, read 32,728,581 times
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Oildog, I may be misunderstanding this, but are the grown kids HER children? Did she and your father have any kids together?

If so, she's likely to find out prior to the funeral. If not, I'd say just send her a note AFTER the funeral.
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Old 12-28-2013, 09:47 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,498 posts, read 15,947,527 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Teddy52 View Post
Inviting a divorced spouse to the funeral is like inviting fired employees to a company picnic.
Except that the divorced spouse had children with the man who died and may want to support them. Just like in your example the spouses of the fired employees may still work for the company. (I know that is a stretch).
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Old 12-28-2013, 10:27 PM
 
6,015 posts, read 2,702,827 times
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I'm sorry for the loss of your father Oildog.

I would leave it up to the children of the ex-wife whether or not they want to notify her. If they don't, then the executor of the estate can notify her the alimony is stopping if it is.

Still, someone else may tell her or she may see the obit in the paper. So, I would definitely have someone lined up be it funeral home director or friend/family member to manage her if necessary.
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Old 12-28-2013, 11:00 PM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,090 posts, read 5,506,362 times
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I'm so sorry about your father, Oildog.

I re-read your post and I don't understand it either. Is the ex-wife your mother? Or is the current GF your mother, or there was another wife in between who is your mother? I'm so confused on whose children are whose here.
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Old 12-29-2013, 07:33 AM
 
Location: Long Neck,De
4,793 posts, read 6,510,887 times
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I believe after the funeral I would have the child who is" neutral" send mom a note telling her the checks have stopped.
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Old 12-29-2013, 08:26 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,121 posts, read 17,664,361 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I don't think the current girlfriend's opinion comes into play in this scenario, but that of his children should be paramount. I am sorry for your loss.

I agree with this^^^^^ and Mattie always knows what to say ...kudos to you Maddie and to the OP so sorry on the loss of your father ... May he rest in peace .
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