U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-29-2013, 09:59 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,265,344 times
Reputation: 22271

Advertisements

OP says the adult children "are not close to" mom. It is up to the kids to inform their mother, if they choose, of their father's passing. Since they are not close, I seriously doubt they would want her to be involved with the funeral - sounds like it would be a potential problem.

OP's Dad had been divorced for 25 years and no connection to his Ex other than writing out checks. Sounds like no love lost there . . .

Funerals can be uncomfortable if there is someone who wishes to make them uncomfortable and it sounds as though the Ex would be that type (histrionic and inappropriate behavior).

I would personally talk with the adult children and come to a decision about whether or not to even mention it to the Ex til after the funeral had occurred.

As for the legal issues (no more alimony) . . . if the checks are written through a court order, the Court Trustee will be informed and they will inform the Ex. If they were written through some sort of trust, then the Trustee of the account (or attorney who handles disbursement) should be the one to write a letter about the discontinuance of checks.

If the Ex is the type to cause a scene, and likely to show up even if not invited (for ex, after reading an obituary) . . . I, personally, would have a security guard on hand to usher her out if there is any misbehavior at all, but I am a hard arse about such things.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-29-2013, 12:51 PM
 
4,948 posts, read 16,051,479 times
Reputation: 2855
I would let her see it in the newspaper as others would who may come. If she does come be gracious and that should be it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-29-2013, 06:43 PM
 
Location: Houston, TX
17,032 posts, read 26,025,365 times
Reputation: 16166
Thanks for all the guidance. For those confused I apologize for my poor third person type posting.

The deceased was my father and I have one sibling, we were both born by my father and the ex-wife in question. My sibling is estranged from mother, while I still keep in contact (I'm the neutral one on here attendance). Neither parent ever remarried, but my father had his girl/lady friend for 10+ years. He has little contact with my mother, but at times she has stated she would like to be friends with my father again. He has been pleasant to her, but had no interest in rekindling a friendship.

So where am I....A notice was put in the local paper for 'all to see' and she was not given a 'personal' invitation. She will be notified after the fact (I'm pretty sure she will be hurt by this, but the new ladyfriend and my sibling have no interest in having her there. They have been divorced over 20 years.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-29-2013, 07:15 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
15,814 posts, read 4,931,904 times
Reputation: 48042
It sounds like you handled it the best way, Oildog. I'd like to add something from the perspective of an ex-wife (except that I remarried and he didn't, and there were no children other than two from his previous marriage).

My ex-husband will be 85 next month, and so I often wonder what will happen when he goes. I would hope to be notified by my former stepchildren, and it would mean a lot to me to attend his funeral because I once loved him dearly and still think of him often. But I would respect his daughters' wishes if they would prefer that I not attend the service. The immediate family's preferences, as someone else mentioned, are paramount.

That said, when my father died he was living with (but no longer married to) my stepmother, with whom my brother and I had a difficult relationship. She resented our existence and wanted Dad all to herself and her own three children from a previous marriage. Also, my dad didn't get along with my brother, he'd left home at 15, and they had been estranged for years.

Still, when my father died my brother wanted to pay his respects. He attended the funeral with my husband and me, and afterward we went to the post-funeral gathering at the house where my stepmother had lived with my Dad. When she saw my brother, my stepmother didn't make a scene, but she did make it quite obvious that she was upset with me for bringing him to "her" home. We were truly shocked and surprised by her open hostility. I was sympathetic for her loss and realized the distraught emotional state she was in might affect her behavior, but he was our father and it was our loss too.

No matter how much bad blood there is between the survivors, I don't think there is any excuse for being rude, creating drama or making other guests at a memorial gathering feel uncomfortable or unwelcome.

Last edited by Bayarea4; 12-29-2013 at 07:31 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-29-2013, 09:36 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,481 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38756
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bayarea4 View Post
It sounds like you handled it the best way, Oildog. I'd like to add something from the perspective of an ex-wife (except that I remarried and he didn't, and there were no children other than two from his previous marriage).

My ex-husband will be 85 next month, and so I often wonder what will happen when he goes. I would hope to be notified by my former stepchildren, and it would mean a lot to me to attend his funeral because I once loved him dearly and still think of him often. But I would respect his daughters' wishes if they would prefer that I not attend the service. The immediate family's preferences, as someone else mentioned, are paramount.

That said, when my father died he was living with (but no longer married to) my stepmother, with whom my brother and I had a difficult relationship. She resented our existence and wanted Dad all to herself and her own three children from a previous marriage. Also, my dad didn't get along with my brother, he'd left home at 15, and they had been estranged for years.

Still, when my father died my brother wanted to pay his respects. He attended the funeral with my husband and me, and afterward we went to the post-funeral gathering at the house where my stepmother had lived with my Dad. When she saw my brother, my stepmother didn't make a scene, but she did make it quite obvious that she was upset with me for bringing him to "her" home. We were truly shocked and surprised by her open hostility. I was sympathetic for her loss and realized the distraught emotional state she was in might affect her behavior, but he was our father and it was our loss too.

No matter how much bad blood there is between the survivors, I don't think there is any excuse for being rude, creating drama or making other guests at a memorial gathering feel uncomfortable or unwelcome.
How sad that your step-mother, even after being divorced from your father, could still act so hostile and mean to his biological children, who just wanted to pay their respects towards their father.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-29-2013, 09:47 PM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
2,444 posts, read 2,229,854 times
Reputation: 5848
I am so sorry on the loss of your father. If I may add to the responses here, I had a situation similar when my 2nd husband died. His ex was petty and always arguing, trying to always start trouble with both of us...the same with my ex. Funny thing is when he died, both his ex and mine wanted to come to his funeral. I got with my kids and his and I simply said absolutely NOT. That was my day to grieve with my kids and his, not ex spouses who had not been part of their or our life for many years. IMO they only wanted to be there to start trouble. I pray for you to have a meaningful day with those who are close to you, and may your memories of your father and your time together bring you comfort in the days to come.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2013, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Houston, TX
17,032 posts, read 26,025,365 times
Reputation: 16166
the ex found out. Gave current gf a terse phone call and said she would be attending.

should be interesting.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2013, 02:15 PM
 
6,013 posts, read 2,697,304 times
Reputation: 5215
I would stay neutral like Switzerland and leave others to their own drama.

But, like others have said, if you alert the funeral director they will likely provide someone to keep your mother in line without her really realizing that's what they are doing. I'm sure they handle situations like this all the time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2013, 03:31 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,265,344 times
Reputation: 22271
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oildog View Post
the ex found out. Gave current gf a terse phone call and said she would be attending.

should be interesting.
Oh boy.

I guess Mother felt she had to make a phone call and "put everyone on notice."

It would be so much easier if she would quietly attend without calling attention to herself.

Do you think there will be a problem with seating arrangements? I would suspect she will feel she should be with her children. The sensible thing -- at this point -- would be for girlfriend and you adult children to include mother graciously and without incident and quietly go about the service.

My condolences on the loss of your father. I hope the day goes well and I suspect it will. People have a great capacity to step up and be quite proper and respectful and put personal issues aside at times of stress.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2013, 09:26 PM
 
Location: Houston, TX
17,032 posts, read 26,025,365 times
Reputation: 16166
Well my mother attended the service and was on very good behavior. I think it was more stress on my sis and the ladyfriend though. Fortunately I had a few friends in attendance who took some time to chat with her (mom), even as they hadn't seen her in 20 years. Mom has offered to 'help' with settling estate things, and I let her know that I would call if her assistance was needed (not sure if its goodwill or she wants a last pound of flesh). She did comment that it was one of the nicer ceremonies she had seen.

[Yes, I did notify the mortuary staff of her presence in case things got weird, they didnt seem worried as it was not uncommon for exex to attend memorials].

Thanks to the C-D forum members who contributed. Its often helpful to have ideas from independent third parties.

Oildog


Now lets fight over the estate....likely more posts in the future.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top