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Old 12-28-2013, 12:49 PM
 
Location: Houston, TX
17,032 posts, read 26,019,755 times
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My Father passed away the other day and we are setting up the service at a local mortuary, and having a private burial the following day at a plot (he bought) about an hour away.

Question: Do we notify the ex-wife and if so when? He said he felt that portion of his life had closed (divorced 25 years ago, [but alimony checks still get written]) The children are grown (40s) and not close with the mother, and he had spent the last 8-10 years with someone else. The 'current' girlfriend would feel uncomfortable (as would one of the children, the other is neutral) if the ex were present. As she (the ex) is prone to emotional outbursts and petty behavior (sad this still happens after age 70).

Suggestions? All (but me) live in the same metropolitan area.
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:07 PM
 
Location: NH and lovin' it!
1,780 posts, read 3,286,205 times
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My condolences on the loss of your father. I know that is a difficult thing to experience, no matter how old you are.

I'm not clear: Have you discussed your question with your siblings yet?

In your situation it seems that the best thing for you to do is go ahead and have the funeral and then write the ex a note informing her of the passing of your father and recognizing their past relationship. She'll probably pitch a fit if your assessment is correct, but at least it won't be at the services.

Also she does need to know that the checks will stop if that is how the alimony is set up.

Never mind etiquette. It's what works for your family that counts.
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:10 PM
 
11,686 posts, read 13,078,672 times
Reputation: 30973
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oildog View Post
My Father passed away the other day and we are setting up the service at a local mortuary, and having a private burial the following day at a plot (he bought) about an hour away.

Question: Do we notify the ex-wife and if so when? He said he felt that portion of his life had closed (divorced 25 years ago, [but alimony checks still get written]) The children are grown (40s) and not close with the mother, and he had spent the last 8-10 years with someone else. The 'current' girlfriend would feel uncomfortable (as would one of the children, the other is neutral) if the ex were present. As she (the ex) is prone to emotional outbursts and petty behavior (sad this still happens after age 70).

Suggestions? All (but me) live in the same metropolitan area.
Well, no one really wants her, and your father was connected with her only by a stream of checks, and - most important - he had a longtime companion; thus, in my eyes there is absolutely to reason to have her at the funeral or the burial. And given the ex-wife's disposition...wouldn't you say, "topic closed."

My condolences. Have a peaceful, meaningful funeral for those who cared.
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,478 posts, read 15,913,707 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oildog View Post
My Father passed away the other day and we are setting up the service at a local mortuary, and having a private burial the following day at a plot (he bought) about an hour away.

Question: Do we notify the ex-wife and if so when? He said he felt that portion of his life had closed (divorced 25 years ago, [but alimony checks still get written]) The children are grown (40s) and not close with the mother, and he had spent the last 8-10 years with someone else. The 'current' girlfriend would feel uncomfortable (as would one of the children, the other is neutral) if the ex were present. As she (the ex) is prone to emotional outbursts and petty behavior (sad this still happens after age 70).

Suggestions? All (but me) live in the same metropolitan area.
I am so sorry about the death of your father.

Probably just notify his children from that marriage and let them decide what to do.

I attended a funeral where the ex-wife (they divorced over 60 years earlier) came to the funeral to "support their son" who was about 65 years old at the time. It was rather touching, this 90 or so year old lady toddling up to the casket in her walker and said something to her ex-husband like " You were my first love and we had a wonderful son together. Please spend eternity in heaven with Jesus and I will see you again in a few years" (it was just loud enough for the first row to hear). She then told his current wife "I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for doing such a good job raising our son." Man, the entire crowd started crying.

Now, if there had been fisticuffs or yelling I doubt if it would have been nearly as touching.
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Old 12-28-2013, 02:03 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,787,452 times
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I don't think the current girlfriend's opinion comes into play in this scenario, but that of his children should be paramount. I am sorry for your loss.
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Old 12-28-2013, 02:18 PM
 
1,006 posts, read 1,778,622 times
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Notify, but don't invite. If she shows up, make the best of it out of respect for all.
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Old 12-28-2013, 02:42 PM
 
11,686 posts, read 13,078,672 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cocaseco View Post
Notify, but don't invite. If she shows up, make the best of it out of respect for all.
With the OP giving a clear indication that this is a woman is prone to "emotional outbursts" and "petty behaviour" this is a very unwise course to take.

She has been out of the family picture for many years, and no one wants her there. And she is an EX, in more ways that one it seems.

No reason for her presence, and several for her absence.
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Old 12-28-2013, 04:03 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,432 posts, read 18,144,759 times
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I'm very sorry for your lose, OD. I assume when the children are told, the mother will find out too. Good luck, I hope she doesn't make a scene.
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Old 12-28-2013, 04:37 PM
 
5,706 posts, read 12,818,347 times
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Sorry for your loss. I would have the divorce attorney send her a letter notifying her that alimony checks would be stopped due to his demise.
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Old 12-28-2013, 05:32 PM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,203 posts, read 15,012,809 times
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I wouldn't tell her until after the funeral. She sounds like a narcissistic drama queen, and drama queens like nothing better than to show up to events uninvited, because it's always about them. Notify the children, especially if he was close to them. There is a risk of them telling her, of course, but by now they know what she's like, so maybe they would wait until afterwards, too. It's difficult to say. I'm sorry for your loss, and also that you've been put into such an awkward position.
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